I was reflecting this morning with the Lord about myself as a child. How I wish I could go back in time as the adult me and give her a hug and real validation. Sometimes, how we present and what is actually
going on internally, can be quite different.
I grew up in a family of six and I was the oldest of my siblings. We could be a loud bunch. Usually someone was talking over someone else so you had to be assertive to get yourself in there. My parents were hospitable so there were often kids over playing, someone invited for dinner, or the adults having coffee in the kitchen with something my mom probably baked. I had lots of cousins, and aunts and uncles as well. I grew up with opinions, laughter, arguments, conversation, and PEOPLE. So, I was used to having to speak up and totally comfortable having opinions. I could even get loud on occasion. But outside of that very specific environment, I struggled.
I was often wrought with fear and anxiety. I felt everything deeply. I was an observer and an analyzer. I had the compulsion to fix things and people. If the people around me were okay, then I could be okay. When I reached the 3rd and 4th grades I became acutely aware that I was rail thin and therefore, wrong. Value-less. A real battle with deep shame about my body and appearance took root. In the classroom setting, I didn't talk much. However, I had friends and I was involved, later even having several leadership roles in school. I got invited to parties and I had parties. I wore the "right" clothes and convinced my mom I needed Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and Treetorn gym shoes. By all appearances, I was more than okay, and in some ways, I was. But mostly, I had a nagging fear and worry attached to me like an appendage.
For as long as I can remember, I enjoyed being by myself. I grew up with a fun neighborhood of kids (and a major boy crush). We were always out and about playing Atari, Ghost in the Graveyard, softball in my parent's lot next door, walking in the woods, playing hide and go seek in the barn, or talking through my basement level bedroom window late at night (the "boy" may have been involved). But, even in that, and even with my school friendships, I leaned toward being by myself. I could often be found reading, especially the Trixie Beldon mysteries. I even remember family vacations as a young girl at the beach, loving having the villa to myself and listening to the ocean waves. I was content alone, although I felt like maybe that piece of me was wrong as well.
As I moved into adulthood and beyond, I worked hard to stretch myself. I wanted to be someone who felt comfortable speaking and trying new things. I wanted to feel open and free without cringing and feeling exposed. Early in our marriage, I would make my husband order the pizza over the phone because even that simple interaction with a stranger caused me anxiety. I could do it, if necessary, but preferred someone else take that (load) from me. The body image issues continued to scream loudly within me. I went from inwardly shrinking at my thinness to feeling overweight and wrong. The craziness that can go on inside one's head about body image is real. The distortions are enormous. The shame, very deep. The inert sense of no value is felt at root level. Even as I type, I can feel it. When all the surface is wiped away, it's the belief that annihilation is the answer. Because, if you don't look good, you just are not good, nobody will take you seriously, you aren't believable, you aren't valuable, you are not seen, and most certainly you will not be liked. You might even be disgusting. I know I speak for many of you, especially the women and girls. This is not about a self-centered, ditzy, surface-level, concern. This is a deeply rooted lie from the pit of hell itself, planted by an enemy intent on destroying the heartbeat of our God-given value. And, the lies are affirmed over and over through every media avenue possible. I have come a long way in this department but the inward cringing at the assault of lies still hits me now and then.
By the grace and counseling of the Lord and others, I've also been able to use my voice. Sometimes, I still marvel at this. I cannot help but cry about it like I did this morning. I've been able to speak in front of a few hundred, lead small groups, have hard one on one conversations, ORDER PIZZAS, fight for what is right, counsel others, write to my heart's content, and feel good. Praise God, for real. HE is the ONLY explanation.
But, by no means have I arrived anywhere. These things are a work in progress for me and I still battle fear more than what I should for a daughter of the King. I still cringe inward at times with shame about my body, and feel panic when I have to speak. Sometimes it hits unexpectedly. But, I'm aware of it and I take the time to think on it and pray about it. I am a conqueror IN Christ. I am not where I used to be.
I share these things as a backdrop to the season of being alone that I first mentioned. It wasn't until a few years ago when working in a private group counseling practice, that I took a short quiz about being an introvert, ambivert or extrovert. That short, surface-level quiz changed the way I saw myself. I had always thought there was something wrong with me that I preferred my pajamas and solitude to a fun party. Or, that after being with people for a while, I would feel drained. Or, that a deep discussion with a few friends was much preferred over fun and surface conversation with many. I learned I was a real introvert. I learned that I was actually pretty "normal." I learned that this part of me afforded certain gifts and advantages despite the "world" celebrating and encouraging the extrovert. I learned that I could operate well inside this extroverted world of ours and that the times where I needed the extra support, God would be there and I could do it. Later, I learned that in an unusual twist, I was not only introverted but a person who craved being able to process externally. If I didn't have the opportunity to write or speak out my feelings and experience after going through something important (big or small), I had the tendency to feel lonely, stifled, and frustrated. It felt so good to finally understand this part of me.
I know I may be describing some of you, even if partly. Over the last year, God has TAUGHT me how to be alone, but also the VALUE of being alone. External processing isn't always as helpful as we might think. It's not always the answer. And, it's not always available. I actually will not combust. Jesus went off alone many times. He actually walked to and hung on the cross alone. Many of the great prophets and others whom Jesus used, walked alone during seasons. I'm not talking about necessarily physically being alone, either. I'm talking about walking though a situation, you and God. I'm talking about WORKING through a situation, you and God. I'm talking about getting on your knees, studying God's word, listening to Him, pondering Him, grappling with Him, trusting Him, and moving through. Nobody else involved. No outside opinions. No outside support. You and Him, working it out together. When the going gets tough and we're in that forest, or jungle, or battleground, we will not always have others, but we will ALWAYS have ourselves and God. Maybe this need to share is more female. I'm not sure and I don't think it matters, because it IS me. I have found that I don't HAVE to have it, however. Who would've thought? And, the thing is, this matters. In an era of social media blasting in our face and the lie that the group is where it's at, we have lost the value of the lone soldier walking with Jesus. We have become so dependent on others to validate us, that we have forgotten THEE Validator. We mistake Facebook for actual relationship. We mistake being invited for worthiness. We mistake SO many things for real fill-up when in fact they just drain right through the holes at the bottom of our feet. We have lost what it feels like to walk down the trail of life with a straight spine, being okay alone, and knowing that the Lord is behind, above and in front of us. I can speak from first-hand experience that it feels liberating. I don't need anyone, ultimately, but the Lord and I have Him. I type through tears, that my shy, skinny, over-thinking, and afraid Dee always had the Lord with her. ALWAYS. And, I'm sad that I didn't really experience that knowledge until I was older but thankful that I've been able to experience it now, for years. People are wonderful. They are gifts. We need Christian fellowship and connection. I am big on relationship. I need my church. I need my husband, family, and friends. I need my brothers and sisters in Christ. But ultimately, Jesus Christ is the heartbeat of my life and there is nothing that can separate Him from me. There will never be a better battle Partner. He has empowered me. Comfortable or not, easy or hard, I CAN be alone and be okay. I won't pass out or crumble in a heap.
That is something I have thought about as I've found myself in these alone spots this past year. I especially think about it when I'm walking in nature. I have a tendency to walk with my head down. Other times I'm in search of beauty to photograph and am utterly distracted in a good way. But, more and more, I've found myself deliberately putting my chin up, straightening my spine, and being CONSCIOUS of the fact that it's me and God. God and me. He tells me that together, we are capable. He tells me that I have power in Him. He tells me I don't need man's approval; HE approves of me. He tells me I'm His. I laugh...He impresses on me that I'm a warrior (NOT a worrier). He says, "You're going to be okay."
Philippians 4:13 "For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength."
Cultivate your relationship with Christ. Spend a lot of time with Him, alone. Seek to know Him better. You won't be sorry. He's a Gift that you will continually unwrap. A Treasure, really. You don't need others to validate who you are and I don't care who it is. The only One with the true definition of you, is Jesus Christ, King of Kings, the very One who created you. You are dearly loved; dying-for-you kind of love. Go be a warrior.
