There will be times every day when we have no choice but to face and do things alone. There are tasks nobody can do for us. There are feelings nobody can feel for us. And, when we lie down at night, it is only our own head that hits the pillow with an array of thoughts and emotions. Nobody can really take our place. We really feel it during those more monumental moments when: Nobody else is going to deliver our baby. Nobody else is going to feel the last breaths of our life approaching. Nobody else is going to be on the receiving end of "that" phone call. Fill in the blank.
I have found an increase in the fear around me in regard to walking out on that "plank" alone. The fear is not just about being incapable or failing, but more deeply, about being shamed, invisible, or worse, abandoned and annihilated. We will do what we can to get out of standing on that plank. We will stall, distract, numb out and/or work ourselves into a panic. I've been there. But, none of it will keep us from walking alone during certain times in our life. It is inevitable for all of us.
But, wait. It cannot be that bleak. There must be hope in this. We aren't really alone, are we?
This morning I was reading in Mark 10 about how Jesus was slowly making his way to Jerusalem with His disciples knowing exactly what was to come. He was making His way to the cross and He knew it. At one point He was walking ahead of the disciples by Himself. The disciples were still perplexed about this Messiah who said He was going to die and rise up again three days later. Jesus's closest friends - the friends He taught, ate and slept with, did ministry with, loved, and LIVED life with, could not empathize because they did not comprehend. How lonely that must've been, feeling-wise. Yet, Jesus knew His mission. He knew His purpose. He believed in what He had to do and there was no one that could take His place. Despite the sweat blood and cry to His Father in the garden of Gethsemane, it was His body that gave out on the cross at Calvary. And through Him, the Father, and the gift of the Holy Spirit, we don't have to walk through anything alone. Not ever.
I'm grateful for that because even just writing about facing "it" alone was causing me angst. I could hardly wait to get to the good part! AKA, the Truth!
The truth is that the Lord will NEVER abandon us and there are numerous scriptures to support that. One of my favorites is Psalm 94: 18-19 "I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."
We have a Savior who relates to us on a deep level. In fact, Isaiah 53:3 talks about Jesus being "acquainted with deepest grief" and Psalm 34:18 says the Lord is "close to the brokenhearted." That doesn't sound like a clueless Father who doesn't understand and who leaves us when we're hurting and facing things humanly alone.
The more we go to Him, praise Him, study Him, listen to Him, and pour our hearts to Him, the better equipped we will be when those alone times come. And, we will realize that we made it. We did it. We're still breathing. The warmth of Jesus's love will have empowered us. You will see that lonely endeavor as valuable, not because it was pain-free, but because it was the place where Jesus held you up; the place where He raised your chin and straightened your spine so you could see Him. It will be the place where you grew new courage and understood more fully the depth of God's love.✝️
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Thursday, July 4, 2019
The Gift of a Memory
As a mom, I have had a lot of regrets. Sometimes, it is easier to go to those than to the things that I did right. Countless times, I have wished to go back in time and be a different mom. I wish I could take some things back and I wish I could add some other things. I would love to have just a day where I could have all three kids back at home and in grade school. Just one day to see their little prepubescent bodies again! A day where my two boys aren't much taller than me with deep voices and facial hair. A day where I could still brush Jada's hair and put it up in some festive 4th of July hair bow. A day where they would get excited to play with sparklers and watch the fireworks on a blanket. I am choked up just writing this. JUST ONE DAY. I wish I wasn't checked out as often as I was during some of their high school years. It was a rough time and I remember at times doing the best that I could, putting one foot in front of the other. If only I had the faith in God and the closeness I have with Him, back then, that I do now. Those years are a bit of a blur in some ways.
I remember it being early on in our marriage, I was 25, and working full-time at a mental health center. I used to take my lunch breaks outside at a park across the street. I would watch all the moms with their kids, some in strollers, and I would yearn to be one of them. After a year of struggling with infertility, God blessed us with Jesse. We went on to have two more very precious children. It was busy having three kids five and under but I loved it. I loved being a wife, mom, and homemaker. To this day, it is still where my heart is.
I am not sure exactly what was going on with me this morning. I wouldn't say that I felt sad, but there was a little somethin' going on in my heart. The last week was busy with Jason and I working extra hours all through the weekend as well as getting ready to leave for Missouri to see Jada graduate from basic combat training. Maybe I was feeling a little bit tired coming down from the excitement and anticipation of seeing Jada. Maybe some of it was thinking about all the early mornings that I would pray for her and now I knew where she was and how she was doing. She was asleep in her own bed under our roof for the first time in 14 weeks. You know how one thought evolves into the next, often apart from our will? Maybe I was thinking about how old my kids are now and wondering how much I still matter and wondering if I did a good job with them. I don't know, but there was a real tenderness sitting inside me like an ache. It was released in a tearful cry to the Father of my heart; to the safest ONE in my universe. The God of Heaven. Jesus. And, because God is so good to me, he brought to mind a time when Jada was 9 years old. Now, I could write endlessly about my two boys, and some day that will be another published blog. But for today, I will focus on my only and favorite daughter.
It started with a nickel sized bald spot on the side of her head in the late summer of 2009. I saw it one day while I was blow-drying her hair. I didn't think a whole lot about it at the time, but as the days and weeks progressed, the spot grew bigger and more hair began to come out with no explanation. It was then that I realized she had Alopecia which is an autoimmune disease. It is unexplained hair loss with no known root cause. I struggled to understand why a seemingly healthy girl would suddenly begin losing her hair. During this time, Jason and I were heavily involved in a healing Ministry at our church. We even went to a few different trainings. After almost three months into this, Jada had lost so much hair that we had to look into getting her a wig. I distinctly remember that she was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz for Halloween. She had a class party that day and I spent extra time putting two braids in her hair in such a way that the bald spots would be covered up. On the inside I grieved and wondered how many other little girls were getting ready for Halloween without a care in the world, but my daughter had to be self-conscious about her hair at the age of nine. I remember praying and asking a few others to pray as well. She ended up looking adorable and had a super fun day. But, my heart ached. I had many dark moments wondering if she would eventually lose all the hair on her body and if it would ever come back. I envisioned her as a college student having to wear a wig. While this was not life-threatening, it was a nasty disease in another kind of way. However, it gave me the opportunity to exercise my faith in a God who heals, like I never had in my life. It also gave me the opportunity to teach my nine-year-old about faith in what you cannot see. I distinctly remember brushing her hair and clumps of hair coming out in the brush. At the same time, I explained to her that just because her hair was coming out and that is what she was SEEING, did not mean God was not working in her body. It was then that I taught her 2 Corinthians 5: 7, "For we walk by faith and not by sight." It was our theme.
I remember going to a small boutique in Naperville to look at wigs. The woman was very kind and we found one that would be a good match for Jada. I went there with a friend and left Jada at home. I remember walking out of the boutique with tears coming hard and fast. Why did I have to even be at this stupid boutique? Why did I have to be picking out a wig for my little girl? And yet, while I had many dark moments, including being curled up on the living room floor one day, I held fast and tightly to the word of God. I believed that Jesus would heal her and that is what I, by huge and shaking faith, taught Jada. You know what God reminded me of this morning? He reminded me of the day Jada went to the boutique and was fitted with her new blond wig. I remember that she actually smiled. Would you believe, we went home that day and her brothers hardly even noticed that she had a wig on? And even more precious, we later went to a friend's birthday party at Jump Zone. Without any fear or trepidation, Jada got inside the bouncy house and did somersaults and flips with her brand new wig on! That, was my Jada. That, IS my God. I will fast forward to say that Jesus did in fact heal her in a supernatural way. It was about four or five weeks later, when her hair started to come in at the crown of her head. One of my prayers was that God would give her a healthy and long head of hair, which He did. But, that story is for another blog!
God brought all of this to mind today, reminding me of the good things that I did. He reminded me how Jason and I have contributed to Jada's self-confidence, bravery, and resilience. The Lord also used us to encourage her faith in a powerful God. Jada is a far healthier young woman today than I ever was at her age. My heart overflows with pride for her and humble gratitude to God for having His hand upon her.
I whispered tearfully to the Lord over and over this morning, "You are so good to me." HE knew I needed those memories to encourage and affirm the Mom Heart inside of me. It is the enemy who seeks to kill, steal, and destroy. I might also add that he distorts everything. It is good to recall the faithfulness of God. It is good to allow the Lord's LOVE to wash over us. It is good to allow His affirmation of Who We Are. It is only the enemy who tells us that is somehow wrong - who tells us to hang our heads low with shame, guilt, and condemnation. Jesus Christ gives us good gifts, every single day. This morning, He gave me the gift of memory. Good memories that affirmed my creation in His image to carry out His purpose as a mom. I seriously could feel the warmth and tenderness radiate from the Lord all around me. He lifted me up and removed the out of balance guilt and condemnation.
He can do that for you today as well. Give Him your shame and watch Him mold and create the beautiful Truth for you.
Also, you have TODAY. God says in Lamentations 3 that His mercies are new EVERY MORNING. The Lord is good and He loves you, fiercely, no matter what.
How I love this beautiful girl of mine. I'm so thankful God gave her to me and gave me the privilege of being her mom.
I remember it being early on in our marriage, I was 25, and working full-time at a mental health center. I used to take my lunch breaks outside at a park across the street. I would watch all the moms with their kids, some in strollers, and I would yearn to be one of them. After a year of struggling with infertility, God blessed us with Jesse. We went on to have two more very precious children. It was busy having three kids five and under but I loved it. I loved being a wife, mom, and homemaker. To this day, it is still where my heart is.
I am not sure exactly what was going on with me this morning. I wouldn't say that I felt sad, but there was a little somethin' going on in my heart. The last week was busy with Jason and I working extra hours all through the weekend as well as getting ready to leave for Missouri to see Jada graduate from basic combat training. Maybe I was feeling a little bit tired coming down from the excitement and anticipation of seeing Jada. Maybe some of it was thinking about all the early mornings that I would pray for her and now I knew where she was and how she was doing. She was asleep in her own bed under our roof for the first time in 14 weeks. You know how one thought evolves into the next, often apart from our will? Maybe I was thinking about how old my kids are now and wondering how much I still matter and wondering if I did a good job with them. I don't know, but there was a real tenderness sitting inside me like an ache. It was released in a tearful cry to the Father of my heart; to the safest ONE in my universe. The God of Heaven. Jesus. And, because God is so good to me, he brought to mind a time when Jada was 9 years old. Now, I could write endlessly about my two boys, and some day that will be another published blog. But for today, I will focus on my only and favorite daughter.
It started with a nickel sized bald spot on the side of her head in the late summer of 2009. I saw it one day while I was blow-drying her hair. I didn't think a whole lot about it at the time, but as the days and weeks progressed, the spot grew bigger and more hair began to come out with no explanation. It was then that I realized she had Alopecia which is an autoimmune disease. It is unexplained hair loss with no known root cause. I struggled to understand why a seemingly healthy girl would suddenly begin losing her hair. During this time, Jason and I were heavily involved in a healing Ministry at our church. We even went to a few different trainings. After almost three months into this, Jada had lost so much hair that we had to look into getting her a wig. I distinctly remember that she was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz for Halloween. She had a class party that day and I spent extra time putting two braids in her hair in such a way that the bald spots would be covered up. On the inside I grieved and wondered how many other little girls were getting ready for Halloween without a care in the world, but my daughter had to be self-conscious about her hair at the age of nine. I remember praying and asking a few others to pray as well. She ended up looking adorable and had a super fun day. But, my heart ached. I had many dark moments wondering if she would eventually lose all the hair on her body and if it would ever come back. I envisioned her as a college student having to wear a wig. While this was not life-threatening, it was a nasty disease in another kind of way. However, it gave me the opportunity to exercise my faith in a God who heals, like I never had in my life. It also gave me the opportunity to teach my nine-year-old about faith in what you cannot see. I distinctly remember brushing her hair and clumps of hair coming out in the brush. At the same time, I explained to her that just because her hair was coming out and that is what she was SEEING, did not mean God was not working in her body. It was then that I taught her 2 Corinthians 5: 7, "For we walk by faith and not by sight." It was our theme.
I remember going to a small boutique in Naperville to look at wigs. The woman was very kind and we found one that would be a good match for Jada. I went there with a friend and left Jada at home. I remember walking out of the boutique with tears coming hard and fast. Why did I have to even be at this stupid boutique? Why did I have to be picking out a wig for my little girl? And yet, while I had many dark moments, including being curled up on the living room floor one day, I held fast and tightly to the word of God. I believed that Jesus would heal her and that is what I, by huge and shaking faith, taught Jada. You know what God reminded me of this morning? He reminded me of the day Jada went to the boutique and was fitted with her new blond wig. I remember that she actually smiled. Would you believe, we went home that day and her brothers hardly even noticed that she had a wig on? And even more precious, we later went to a friend's birthday party at Jump Zone. Without any fear or trepidation, Jada got inside the bouncy house and did somersaults and flips with her brand new wig on! That, was my Jada. That, IS my God. I will fast forward to say that Jesus did in fact heal her in a supernatural way. It was about four or five weeks later, when her hair started to come in at the crown of her head. One of my prayers was that God would give her a healthy and long head of hair, which He did. But, that story is for another blog!
God brought all of this to mind today, reminding me of the good things that I did. He reminded me how Jason and I have contributed to Jada's self-confidence, bravery, and resilience. The Lord also used us to encourage her faith in a powerful God. Jada is a far healthier young woman today than I ever was at her age. My heart overflows with pride for her and humble gratitude to God for having His hand upon her.
I whispered tearfully to the Lord over and over this morning, "You are so good to me." HE knew I needed those memories to encourage and affirm the Mom Heart inside of me. It is the enemy who seeks to kill, steal, and destroy. I might also add that he distorts everything. It is good to recall the faithfulness of God. It is good to allow the Lord's LOVE to wash over us. It is good to allow His affirmation of Who We Are. It is only the enemy who tells us that is somehow wrong - who tells us to hang our heads low with shame, guilt, and condemnation. Jesus Christ gives us good gifts, every single day. This morning, He gave me the gift of memory. Good memories that affirmed my creation in His image to carry out His purpose as a mom. I seriously could feel the warmth and tenderness radiate from the Lord all around me. He lifted me up and removed the out of balance guilt and condemnation.
He can do that for you today as well. Give Him your shame and watch Him mold and create the beautiful Truth for you.
Also, you have TODAY. God says in Lamentations 3 that His mercies are new EVERY MORNING. The Lord is good and He loves you, fiercely, no matter what.
How I love this beautiful girl of mine. I'm so thankful God gave her to me and gave me the privilege of being her mom.
Dee M. Kostelyk
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