The truth is that I had a lot more going on in my life than cancer and my heart was breaking. I felt so weighed down in emotional pain that some days I didn't know how to get up or if I even wanted to.
I think it's rarely "just" a diagnosis because the diagnosis comes in the middle of life when you don't expect it, and often it's in the middle of other crises. And, if it doesn't come in the middle of other crises, it most certainly will bring up past ones. All those vulnerabilities buried deep seem to come a knockin' when you hear the word, "cancer" on the other end of the line. While you wait for test results. While you're left by yourself on an examination table, shivering underneath a thin blanket to think about your kids and a funeral. When you see your scars in the mirror. When you are alone. It's not the welcome healthy thoughts that come, it's the lies of the enemy that come to take you out.
But, as I shared with this friend, all during that time I had a flame burning inside of me. It was a heat that encompassed peace, hope, and joy, FOR REAL. Some days it was a flicker, but it was always in me. That's the best image I can give of what it felt like to have my body anchored in Jesus Christ. I came to have an affection for my body and to care about it. I came to envision my cells giving praise to Jesus, straining upward toward their Creator. Beautiful and necessary lamenting prayer became a larger part of my life and that is what I want to share with my friend who got the new diagnosis, and all of you.
Lament is described as a "passionate expression of grief or sorrow." We can lament when we grieve over the loss of someone or something. We can lament a broken heart or feelings of helplessness. We can also lament over our sin and things we have done wrong. For a follower of Jesus, lament is a form of prayer that turns us TOWARD God, not away. It is an act of faith and trust in God. It is unscripted. It isn't eloquent or pretty. It's not for anyone else to hear. It is sacred and private and sometimes even wordless. We can cry and become bitter about all we rage against. We can hold it in and try to suppress the grief we feel. But, that will only serve to hurt us even more. It is not God's desire for His people.
Lamenting prayer has been one of the healthiest acts I've learned to do as a Christian. It's been around since the beginning of time and great models can be found throughout scripture, especially in the book of Psalms. Sometimes, these prayers have come unexpectedly and other times I have intentionally set aside time. It's important to understand that this is not giving God a list of complaints. We are not calling a customer service department. We are engaging on holy ground with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the "strength of our heart" (Psalm 73:26). We are DOING relationship with Jesus. We are crying to our Abba "Daddy" and pouring our heart to Him. We are seeking Him with all we have and sometimes we admit, it's not a whole lot. I've often said, "Lord, I have nothing to give you but my miserable self."
So, we turn to Him. We share our grief, anger, confusion, brokenness, heartache, and questions. Ask away. ASK AWAY. Like so many Italians, I've even talked with my hands (and maybe shaken a fist)! And when I'm at a loss for words, I give Him my tears. This is your time to be REAL.
I follow by asking for help, guidance, and wisdom. And, HELP. Instruction. Insight. And, did I say, HELP?
Then, I decide to trust Him and give Him praise and I speak that out loud. I tell Him I will trust Him no matter what it looks like. I will believe Him no matter what. It just goes with the relationship we've established OVER TIME. I praise Him and I tell Him how much I love Him, over and over because I'm at a point where it just flows now. Complete love and trust. Sometimes, I go back to the lament and asking for help, but in lamenting prayer, the end result should be trust and praise - an acknowledgement of our Holy King who also happens to be our Abba Dad.
These prayers can last minutes but the most fruitful ones are the ones given time. Why? Because we need it and time with a holy God takes just that - time.
Like I mentioned earlier, great examples of lamenting prayer can be found in the Psalms. You can even insert your own name into those prayers and read them in the first person. This isn't a pass or fail. While the outline may pretty much stand, the fillers are actually quite loose and unique to the relationship you have with God. And, unique is what you are.
When I'm finished with these precious and private times with God, I cannot say that all my problems have been solved or that a situation has changed, but my mind has been renewed. I can tell you that for sure! My relationship with God has been deepened. I feel heard and loved. I feel safe. Empowered. And, I can breathe and move forward.
Until heaven, there will always be times of sorrow and hurt. God models lamenting prayers for us because of His love. He knows the benefit. He loves to spend time with us. He created us for relationship with Him. He is gentle and humble in heart with an easy yoke and a light burden (Matthew 11: 29-30). He is quite big enough to hear us out and listen to our questions. He isn't bothered by fists and anger or weeping and brokenness.
"The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God." (Psalm 51:17)
"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." (Hebrews 4:16)
This is in part how we move through cancer, relationship struggle, grief, addiction, financial hardship, uncertainty, trauma, bitterness and so forth. We cultivate our relationship with Jesus. We water and feed it. We give it priority over everything and everyone else so that our anchor finds a place to dig in when the winds are strong.
You are dearly loved by a God you can be real with. DEARLY LOVED.
