Jesus Perspective

It's easy to misunderstand what people need because we come at it from our own experience or from some order of what we think is better. We can be hypocritical in our approach with others as well as naive, self-serving, and judgmental - none of which is helpful. To be fair, I think we can approach helping others in these manners without even realizing it. People generally mean well. Understanding, or at least seeking to understand where a person is coming from, is key.

We know the story of the homeless man who is helped with food, clothing, money, and shelter who actually seems to digress in this environment rather than thrive. He's not using the bed to sleep on or the hot shower to get clean from. He doesn't even seem all that grateful. In fact, he actually appears more depressed and ashamed. Maybe it is because his whole entire universe has been turned upside down. Everything he has known well has clashed with what he thought he wanted in his imagination all these years but now it is all muddled and confusing. He doesn't know how to proceed in this overwhelmingly frightening new way and under the false belief that he should feel better he is instead overcome with feelings of shame and failure. He is scratching is head. The people helping are scratching their heads. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

We see the woman who was helped by the judge who forgave all of her fines because she had fallen on hard times financially and health-wise. But, instead of our hearts being warmed by the judge's grace, we are hyper-focused on the fact that it seems this woman recently had a manicure. How DARE this poor woman do something that made her feel pretty and "normal" when she was too broke to pay her fines. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

Brand new mattresses were dropped off to an apartment for a mom and her kids so they had something to sleep on. A few weeks later the person who bought the mattresses stopped by only to see the mattresses still wrapped in plastic and leaning against the wall untouched. She was too afraid, too addicted, too exhausted, and too ashamed to set them up. He was angry and disgusted. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

We have the young couple with kids struggling to make ends meet and figure out ways they could be saving money one of which is for them to cancel their cable. That way, not only will they walk around under stress and pressure feeling like failures, but they should not have something that might provide a little relief and joy. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

We see the woman who appears to have everything that we ourselves would love - money, nice house, nice cars, nice kids, and a nice husband. So, we really do not want to hear about her traumatic history or how she suffers with depression. She doesn't really need our help. After all, she could probably pay for whatever it is that she would need. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

We see the man who owns a successful business and a beautiful home who loves the Lord end up getting arrested for something pretty insane. We can't imagine reaching out to him because he's rich and was probably asking for trouble, anyway. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

We hear the lament of a woman crying in grief, again. And, again. We know that when our loved one died we were able to move on and we kept much of our grief to ourselves. Jesus got us through and so we send this woman a devotional about focusing on blessings believing this will help her have stronger faith and feel better. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and we don't get it.

We see the person with the little money they have buying another pack of cigarettes.

There is the neighbor once again engaging us in an angry discussion about politics.

It can't be that our phone is ringing with THAT person.

We don't really want those two women at our Bible study.

Our church is not a resale shop, social service agency, or hospital.

How can anyone be angry at God? She is sinning.

When we hand out the free stuff, they come out like flies.

"Those people" will lie to you in a heartbeat.

If she wasn't dressed like a slut, it wouldn't have happened to her.

That one posted video was hilarious. You know, the one where the woman is recording her husband gagging as he recalled the way a homeless woman smelled? It got thousands of views and likes. 

Or, the video plastered across social media of the guy making fun of the girl sitting in front of him who had a cockroach crawling in her hair? That was hilarious also.

The assumptions we make about pretty women.

The assumptions we make about addicts.

The assumptions we make about the poor and the rich.

The assumptions we make about anyone who doesn't think or behave like we do.

The areas we won't touch. The neighborhoods we won't go into. The people we won't associate with.

The hard earned cash we won't let go of....especially for him, or her, or that.

The pain we cannot relate to.

The invitations we don't extend.

The scripture we abuse and misuse.

The advice we freely hand out.

The door we shut.

The eyes we close.

The heart we harden.

The self we refuse to examine.

Ouch. 

Bear with me. It's not all bad and neither are we. We just often don't get it. We don't want to. We think we know already. We think we're right. And oftentimes, we don't think, period. All of us. I've come at things from a picket fence and my head in the sand more times than I can count. I've reacted harshly and with judgment. I've thought that I knew better and was wiser. I've given opinions on things I couldn't comprehend. I've been a real pompous sensible and efficient jerk of a person. Trust me. 

I have also been on the receiving end of that seeming sensibility and it hurts. We probably all have or we will, eventually.

Those scenarios above are real life examples I've experienced and been a part of, personally and as an observer. When you offend Jesus's kids, you offend Jesus. 

"Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." James 1:19 

Coming alongside others and listening, is ministry. One of the greatest things we can offer a hurting person is a safe space to be seen and heard without judgment. If that has ever been offered to you, then you know what I'm talking about. We don't always have to have an answer or a solution. Sometimes it's that silent attunement with another that does the most healing. It is sitting WITH. Crying WITH. But, we have to desire to be that kind of person and I think for most people that does not come naturally. We have to practice listening and seeking to understand with the help of the Holy Spirit. A simple prayer is, "Lord, help me be someone who sees and hears people."

When we are focused on the woman's manicure and not how she was helped, are we understanding that is a "me" problem and nothing about her? When we have helped someone and they did not respond how we thought they should have, it's a good time to pause and pray. "Lord, help me to see through your eyes." AND "Lord, give me wisdom."

When we are angry about the (seeming) messes being brought into our church whether bags of clothing, messy kitchens and jammed freezers, people smelling like booze or who are high, fighting couples, wayward teenagers, jobless, homeless, sick, or the just plain unlikable, we need to examine that anger and hold it under a microscope. Where is it coming from and why? What is the discomfort? "Lord, help me understand this emotion." As far as I have ever read in scripture, the earliest church was a social service agency. Jesus was a walking church. He healed, fed, and clothed. He hung on the cross for all of us beggars and we can choose life because of HIM. Talk about a beggar getting a choice. There you go. 

For the record, God doesn't make messes. A life can have messy things in it, but a person should never be called a mess. It offends that person's Creator.

Sometimes our words or actions of help come from a self-serving place and we don't even realize it. What I mean is that we will do for another what makes us feel more comfortable in a situation we have no control over. We don't really think about what would actually be most helpful for a person, but rather what makes us feel better. Like filling out a budget sheet with a couple and sending them on their way. Or writing a check to the single mom when what she really needs is for someone to take her car, fill it up with gas, get the oil changed, and run it through the car wash so that when she sits behind the wheel she feels like one part of her life is up to par. Believe it or not, people who are struggling also like to have fun. I know. Who would've thought? Sometimes, the practical is not what is needed. Sometimes that woman needs a gift card to TJ Maxx so at least she can feel pretty for a day and not like something the cat dragged in. Sometimes, that guy who has been caring for his sick wife, needs a steak dinner or day on the golf course. Your treat. Your wealthy friend? Don't think for a second she wouldn't love to receive a $5 gift card to Dunkin' Donuts. Her friends don't do stuff like that for her because they think she doesn't need it. She can get her own coffee. Ah, but her HEART needs it. That's the point, here. When she gets that coffee she will think about you and feel loved.

We don't always have to understand in order to help. Sometimes, we have to look beyond the surface and see God's child. That's it. We may not get it. We may not agree. That's okay. Help, because it's the right thing to do. Remember, that our experiences shape how we see others and what we see may not be accurate. There is often more to the story. People are multi-dimensional. We need to look through more than just the lens of our own perspective if we want to make a difference.

I'm utterly thankful for the way I know Jesus looks at me. I admit that sometimes it gets no further than a head knowledge. It's a struggle to believe in His lavish love with no conditions. It is. Yet, He has been the safest place I've EVER been. There is no one like Him. There will never be a person who understands me better or loves me more fully AS IS like Jesus. He knows all the good and bad. He's the past, present and future. He sees so much more than Dee with the brown eyes and hair. SO. MUCH. MORE. And, He listens. Boy, does He listen. He's gotten an ear full on many occasion. Thank you, patient Jesus!

If we could just see others even a little bit like He sees, I honestly believe we would be more at peace in our relationships and in our efforts to make a difference in this world. We would make more of an impact and isn't that what we want, anyway? We need a Jesus-perspective and a lot of help maturing in that sense. It's hard but if we are willing students, God sure makes for a great teacher. 

You are loved.

"God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life though him. This is real love - not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other." 1 John 9: 4-11

Dee M. Kostelyk

Not So Divided

The ongoing rhetoric in the media, most especially today, is how divided we are as a country. In my lifetime, I can't remember such large division on all kinds of levels. There is almost something puffed up about it - weirdly proud. Our personal divisiveness somehow makes us smarter and better than the naive peacemaker. We gloat in it even as much as we find seemingly moral disdain for it.

But, what if we aren't as divided as what we are being told we are? What if we have fallen prey to the loud speakers? What if one of satan's oldest tricks is working better now than ever before? Lie. Divide. Lie. Conquer. There is some truth to behaving how people view us. Tell us how divided we are 365 days a year, highlight those divisions, pay homage to them, cry evil while greedily stirring the pot, and wha-lah. We have mistrust, confusion, woundedness, MISCOMMUNICATION, anger, and even hatred. All, for what? 

Robert Shaw wrote a book called, Created for Significance: Discovering Who Defines Us and How We Obtain our Significance. In it, he talks about how each of us, regardless of culture, ethnicity, age, or gender, have six core longings. They are: love, safety, understanding, belonging, purpose, and significance. I wonder what would happen if we were to randomly pick out 50 people from throughout the United States today and put them in a room together? What if we simply went around the room and shared who we were, where we came from, something that gave us joy, and something we felt concerned about? From there, let's say the groups broke up into ten groups of five and at those tables they had to discuss 7 significant ways they differed from one another. After all of those significant differences were mentioned to the whole group and written down, the next exercise would be to discuss 7 significant things the tables had in common. Again, those would be shared to the whole group and written down. The last exercise would be to talk about 7 significant ways they understood, related to, and/or connected to one another. This would be different than having something in common. We can hold something in common with someone and still not connect. Yes, I'm such a nerd. These are things I think about. But, imagine with me what this might look like. I actually picture a fair amount of harmony. Yet, imagine these same people communicating while hiding behind a screen and keyboard and not in person. I have a feeling there wouldn't be much harmony because we'd be too stuck on the differences and subsequent insults to get to the similarities. That would be despite the fact that at our core, we were quite the same. But, who has time for that.

My job has been good for me in the sense that it has opened my eyes and heart from the all white, suburban, mostly Dutch and Christian background I grew up in to (real) life. I now sit with women of all different religions and practices. I hear stories of profound trauma and abuse. I learn about different races and cultures. I learn about different family systems. I learn about transgender lifestyles. I hear funny stories and tragic stories. I see all kinds of unique talent and intelligence. I see different levels of functioning. I'm inspired by vulnerability, authenticity and bravery like I've never seen before. Forget Republican and Democrat. It is a colorful group VASTLY different than not just me, but from each other. And, in those walls there is an acceptance and grace not readily seen on the outside. 

For reasons I'm not going to explain at the moment, I have been without a TV for 6 months and I surprisingly haven't missed it. Once in a while I'll be somewhere where a TV is on and the incessant fear inducing chatter feels like nails on a chalkboard to me; like an assault on my spirit. For real. I have been BLISSFULLY ignorant of a lot and I have no regrets about it. But, that is me and I certainly wouldn't suggest that it should be for you. I have a lot of quiet and solitude and that seems to suit who I am. It also enables me to work in a job where I have to be "on" and where crisis management is frequent. So, when I watched about 5 minutes of live election coverage from my phone this morning and REPEATEDLY heard the United States described as divided, it got me thinking about some of the things I've written. I even did a search in scripture about it.

I do not always like The Message translation of scripture but I did for this particular passage written by Paul and found in 1 Corinthians 9: 19-23 "Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized - whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearing in Christ - but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in it."

It is GOOD to come alongside people where they are at. Really, haven't you found that when you come alongside someone, especially someone who is vastly different than you, that you actually find more in common than you ever imagined?  I see people under immense pressure, tripping because of pain, and pointing angry fingers without even remotely understanding WHY. We make it about abortion, race, religion, immigration, political party and so forth, but is it, really? Don't get me wrong. Those are hot buttons and important, but the rage? Throwing stones? Ending friendships? Sanctimonious high horses? We would do well to consider our own words and actions. We don't go home and kick the dog because the dog is bad. We go home and kick the dog because WE feel badly. And, that's the key. What is making us feel badly? And, what is keeping us, especially followers of Jesus, from being the kind of person Paul is talking about? That's not on "them." That is on us. Shoot, but it is. 

Whose world do we need to enter? Who is it that we need to seek to understand? Or, WHAT is it? I really don't believe for a second that we are all that divided. On the surface, maybe. But, underneath? Not so much. So, choose not to be divisive. I love the word "servant" used in the above scripture. What a great image that word brings to mind. How can we be a servant? How can we reach a wide range of people?  It most certainly will not be with our self-righteous opinions. It will be by coming alongside people in a real and human way, with humility and love.

John 13:35 says, "Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." The world is watching. We can do this.