"Nothing Changes if We Don't Change It" is the kind of statement I both stand and cower behind. It feels good for me to say it. There is sort of a nice ring to it and I can momentarily put my shoulders back, chin up and feel strong. But, the truth is that change can be hard for me.
I was a shy and anxious little girl though for some reason beyond me, I was able to move through that and probably present something that didn't look like it. But, it was there. I liked to stay under the radar and could often be found with my face in a book. While I was very much my own person and could speak up about things I found important, I did not like to step out of my comfort zone. I would never have described myself as bold or courageous; quite the opposite, actually. I was afraid of trying new things or dreaming too big. I was incredibly self-conscious, all the time. I did not feel the most competent.
As an adult, I have liked my routines. I have always had some tiny nook that I could claim as my space where I could read, write, drink coffee or watch TV. I know exactly where my Aldi quarter is in the car and nobody better touch it. I like my makeup bag set to the right of the sink in the morning while I get ready. There are pretty much two different coffee mugs I drink from and once in awhile I might get crazy and use a different one. I set my clothes out the night before for work and get my coffee maker ready to go. I shower everyday and always wear jewelry and perfume even if I'm home alone. I like to know what is coming. I'm not big on surprises. I appreciate predictability, reliability, and calendars. Routine is my friend.
Courage is an interesting concept. One can face the onslaught of an unexpected illness with grace, peace and bravery but completely fall apart at losing a job and beginning a new one. Someone else could walk through a dark alley alone in Chicago at 2am without flinching but never have the courage to stand in front of a crowd and say a few words.
Change is somewhat the same. We can have all kinds of motivation and courage to change a bad habit but put a wall up when it comes to repairing a relationship. We can chronically complain about different aspects of our life but never do anything to change them.
Well shoot, change is much easier to talk about than it is to do. I know this first hand as the last few years of my life feel like they have been one change after another that included numerous losses. I've been forced into changes that I did not go looking for, both internally and externally.
I have felt crushingly overwhelmed by some of the changes I have had to endure. It's that feeling where part of me was digging my heels in because I believed I couldn't do it and yet I had to. But, I couldn't. Yet, it happened anyway. I couldn't sleep. I sweated in the night. I hugged my pillow and cried. My mind did a scan to find a way out but there wasn't one. So, I lied there feeling despair which turned to numbness as the bleak reality of my life set in. If I would have had the choice to fall asleep and not wake up I might have chosen it. But, morning always came and I mean this: so did God's new mercies.
About 6 years ago something shifted in my family life that was actually hard but good. It was during this time that I spent a significant amount of time alone with God. I grew to love Him with a newfound exuberance. I did not know it at the time, but God was doing a preparatory work inside of me where change would be intermingled with growth and maturity.
That's the kind of change I want to talk about. The hard kind. The good kind. The kind we do on our knees, in the shower, across from our counselor, lamenting in the car, whispering prayers in the night, studying His word with a pen in hand, and learning everything we can about the heart of God and who we are in Him - maturity producing kind of change. Because, and I say this tenderly, we cannot continue to complain and struggle in our current life circumstances, do nothing about them, and expect some sort of magical change for the better. Pretty soon we become so well acquainted with our struggle that we don't want to let go of it. We hate it but we know it. We know it and so we're comfortable with it. We cope but never really live or thrive the way God intended. We simply complain and gripe and the payoff is that we can stay in that space of comfortable misery where we get some false sense of importance or fleeting value. We are afraid to ask the question: who would I be without this struggle in my life? We close our eyes and hug our chest as we believe that we would be no one. I get it, believe me. It feels easier to stay stagnant than to try and fail, or worse, feel we have lost our identity. But, that is a lie from the father of lies, himself. We need to get off the hamster wheel and it's okay if we don't jump off and start running. We can take a step off and ask the Lord what to do next. NOTHING CHANGES IF YOU DON'T CHANGE IT.
This is not about arriving somewhere and it most certainly is not about happy endings while here on Earth. The problem with most testimonies is that they are incomplete. We share where things went awry and how everything got fixed with a period at the end. Let's get real, though. Even when big parts of our life improve for the better, Jesus clearly tells us we will have struggles. These will occur until our last breath when we meet Jesus in our real home - the one He has already prepared for us, praise God. However, how much better it is if we are continuously evolving into the man or woman God created us to be! Does it make sense for us to say that we are too far gone to change - too old, too sick, or too stuck? Is that what we have shrunk God down to?
The thing is, it is not nearly as frightening to seek help and positive change as the crazy anticipation tells us it will be. The inward changes we begin making will make all the difference when faced with the rough seas of life. Those things you thought you could never let go of or face, you find that you can, bit by bit, piece by piece, because God is your Abba Dad. The older I get, the more I experience that He longs to bond with the real me, and healing of one thing or another seems to follow.
I am a big believer in doing what you are able to do to improve the quality of your life until you take your last breath. As God heals and matures one area of your life, something else will come up that points to your need of Him. You hear the phrase, "work in progress" a lot but it's the absolute truth. There are things in my life right now that make me feel afraid. There are things I don't feel like thinking about. There seem to be more questions than answers. A few weeks ago in the morning I got a wonderful report that my breast cancer was still in remission and several hours later I received news that had my stomach in knots. Welcome to real life. The question is, how am I going to approach these things? How will I contend with what feels like unending grief some days? By the renewing of my mind, that's how. (Romans 12:2) God is in the business of transformation and when we seek to make changes in our life for the better, you can believe that He is right in it with us! He made you. He knows you. He understands what you need. You're His!
The whole, "nothing changes" thing is something I probably think weekly and say a lot to my residents at work. I was at Walmart a few days ago when I saw the T-shirt I'm wearing on clearance for a whopping $2. Talk about a little treasure from God! I love it. May it be a reminder to me that I can make changes and that I actually need to make changes. I can fail and try again with the help of God. I can be mature. I do have courage. Joy is real. I am a living testimony of the faithfulness of God. Hallelujah!
Start making the changes you know deep down you need to make. Help and support can be found in many places and through many people. You aren't alone. You can do it. You will not lose yourself, I promise. God loves you completely and with an everlasting love. He is for you.
Written by,
Dee M. Kostelyk
