Empowered in Pain

We have a bit of a warped view of what favor or blessing means in our own life and in the lives of others. I was thinking about this the other day as I sat talking with God. 

In the last six months I have experienced a lot of trials in my life. Relationship issues, loss and grief, financial struggle, job stress, a legal issue and most recently a health issue. The struggle for me is how much to share about these things. I don't want to give the impression that these were surface issues. No. In fact, they were painful-hugging-yourself kinds of things. The point I want to make is that these struggles were real and painful and that well-being in the midst of them was possible. In fact, as a result of the pain, I became empowered. 

I don't for a second believe that my family was singled out. We don't own the corner of Misery and Grief. Everyone has a battle at one time or another. But, going through it felt lonely. I had repeated feelings of fear and dread. I felt judged. My stomach seemed to be in an on and off state of queasiness and I had days with zero appetite and difficulty sleeping. Days would go by that were simple and peaceful and then it would start all over again. Looking back, I think I was in a type of survival mode. At times I would tell my husband that I just couldn't see or talk to anyone. I was lonely but often didn't have a desire to be with anyone. And yet, the Anchor of my soul never left me.

THIS is what so many don't understand. I wasn't void of my relationship with God the last six months. Quite the contrary. I had moments EVERY SINGLE DAY and I mean, EVERY day, that were filled with raw joy. God was my constant go-to. In fact, telling Him I loved Him happened almost daily. Thanking Him for being so good to me happened all the time. I was on the battleground waging war WITH God. I didn't ask or even think "why" or "why me." Why NOT me? Jesus said we would have troubles. This doesn't mean I didn't have times where I felt like a total loser and even ashamed. Guilty. Condemned. Worried. Angry. Defeated. And, even hopeless. I'm not pretending anything. I HURT. But, I also had numerous times of peace and even happiness and victory. God was using me in ministry. God was using me at work as I got to pray with and minster to many women as I sat listening to their own stories. I got to see God's faithfulness in ways I couldn't have dreamed. I got to see God work in the lives of people whom I loved. My husband and I would say often what good friends God had given us and I felt the love behind my family. God was growing me and I was getting to know Him on an even deeper level. I was being empowered by the grace of God.

Our world just doesn't get this. We're like the friends of Job who see people hurting and we wonder what they did wrong. Or, we have pity on them. Or, we question their faith and their God. We look at our own lives and when things fall apart, so does our view of God and ourselves. We think we've lost His favor and blessing. We have little grasp of "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (Philippians 4:12) We do not believe we can be content and we don't believe others can either. That is a lie.

I full well understand how annoying it can be to be placated with scriptures about how all things will work for our good or how trials produce perseverance, especially when we have about had it. When all we want to do is curl up on our bed in the dark. Those beautiful and true words sure can fall flat. Sometimes, they can even hurt as we cry to God asking what good is coming or how we're sick of the trials. When I reached that point (and I did, plenty of times) I found myself at a crossroad. 

I remember my grandma used to have one of those matryoshka dolls. Remember the wooden dolls beautifully painted, where one doll fit inside the other and got increasingly smaller? In order to really get to the heart of what I was feeling and believing, I had to get to that last little doll. I had to set aside the anger, and keep opening each emotion usually accompanied by some lie I was believing about myself until I got to the last one. Then I could better understand what I was working with. And, there would be the crossroad. The street names may differ but we all find ourselves at this crossroad at some point. Usually, one road will lead to self-pity, shame and even bitterness and the other leads to power, truth and love. One road is a little wider and the other is more narrow. The more you choose God's hand reaching out to you, the easier it gets to continue His road to peace.

I'd like to say I've been doing this for years but I haven't. It can take some time. It's an exercise of faith and to get stronger, you have to keep exercising. 

My times of best recovery from pain were my solitary lament sessions with Jesus where I didn't hold anything back. I have a tendency to hold things in and not really breathe properly. If I can be a weather proof rain coat that somehow doesn't bend either, then I get to be an accomplished something or other. A good Christian. Good at my job. Good wife and mom. Good friend. Good ministry leader. Good enough for God. Just good. Well, we know what that is a load of. Hint: it doesn't smell nice. 

I'm a big proponent of counseling, support groups, Bible studies, classes and other healthy ways to improve the quality of life, but hands down, the BEST were my sessions with the Counselor Himself. I didn't even have to leave the house, although I could've. It was a come-as-you-are session. He was well aware, better than myself, what my real problems were. Sins. Shortcomings. Struggles. Desires. Direction. He gave me life. He is my life. And when I couldn't speak, He waited. Sometimes HE advised. Sometimes the Spirit took over. Sometimes the only thing that transpired was real communion in silence. Regardless, I was ALWAYS soothed. Do you see the power there? The pain drove me to Him and He drove me straight to powerful victory. My problems may not have been solved. My dog still chewed up my favorite pair of sandals and the rest of the issues hadn't gone away but that little doll that I got to? She was lit up. You could put her back into the rest of the dolls but her light wouldn't dim. 

We seriously ARE changed by encounters with Jesus Christ. Fetal positions change to warrior stances. Same war. Better armor. Better thinking.

Over the weekend, I had the house to myself for a few hours. Some of that time I spent with God just talking. I had to get out what was on my mind. The tears came because I had a moment where I just felt incredulous at God's goodness to me. I think I had been in that survival mode for so long that I honestly just didn't even know how to deal with God's goodness. I sat with my head in my hands and thought about how many would not understand this, Christian or not. They would look at the outside and scratch their heads, not understanding that favor, blessing, treasure, peace and joy, come from a place deep within where Jesus lives. That is why Paul was content despite sitting in prison. That is why my friend who lost her daughter suddenly, could still say "God is good." That is why I can experience pain and peace at the same time. That is how my husband could pray with me and thank God for His goodness even though he was struggling through some health issues. 

God is worthy of ALL praise, ALL the time.

We can't do this of our own power. That is called mustering something up. Chasing the wind. A set-up for let down. Arrogance. Partial survival. And plus, it's no fun. How much better it is for us to work WITH and BY God. We get to know His heart better. We get to share our pain with Him and share in the victories. John 15:5 says, "I am the vine, and you are the branches If you stay joined to me, and I stay joined to you, then you will produce lots of fruit. But you cannot do anything without me." We need to be joined TO God.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7) We forget about the "transcends all understanding." In other words, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! Humanly speaking, we should be in a heap on the floor, but this is what God does for us! This is why as followers of Christ pain has hope. Pain can produce power. Pain can produce treasure. There is no better peace than the kind that comes from Christ. It is simply other worldly and we have to pursue it. It is a guard for our heart and mind. Imagine that for a second! Peace wrapped around our heart and mind? Amazing. And, it's absolutely, positively REAL. 

The world will never understand this and sadly many Christians are missing out as well. Gloom and doom end with a period when that is not God's plan for us at all. There is so much more for us. God never promised us easy. Even Jesus said Himself, "I have told you this, so that you will have peace by being united to me. The world will make you suffer. But be brave! I have defeated the world!" (John 16:33) Can I get an "amen" to that?

I cannot stress enough the importance of spending time alone with God. When you're hit with something rough, get on your knees. Yes, literally. When a prayer gets answered, thank Him. When a situation arises and you haven't a clue what to do, seek His wisdom. When you feel afraid, tell Him. When something moves you, share it with Him. READ HIS WORD. Listen. Spending time with God is not just about all things heavy, either. ENJOY GOD. He is actually quite humorous. He's an amazing Artist. He has a great smile and He does laugh. His timing is like none other. When you marvel at something, thank Him right away. I have been praying for about 8 months now that God would help me capture a photograph of a cardinal. I've seen lots of them but those dang birds ALWAYS get away from me. And, every time I tell God, "One of these days, Lord, you're going to allow me my photograph." When (not if) that happens, I'm going to post it here (and everywhere)! He has helped me shop. He has helped me find deals. I bet I prayed 100x times when I had babies for Him to help me find a missing pacifier. Nothing is too trivial for our Abba Father. NOTHING. He is King of Kings. Mountain Mover. Death Conqueror. And, also Friend, Teacher and Comforter (He gives wonderful hugs). Healer and Forgiver. He is ALL things. Beyond any human description.  

Favor and blessing may have an outward appearance for sure but don't always be mislead by what is seen. Blessings of the richest kind often are formed by Jesus in the heart and mind as we seek Him while walking through pain.