Authenticity and the Wilderness

My desire in writing is to be truthful, inspiring and encouraging. Too often the testimony comes at the end of a trial and those stories are important and need to be told. But, there is much to be shared from the wilderness. We need to share from there or the people around us - those questioning Jesus, those flailing, the readers, and/or the audience can become disillusioned about themselves and God. To be real, the only ultimate happy ending for those in Christ is heaven. Until that point we will have troubles which was spoken by Jesus Himself. John 16:33 says, "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." It should come as no surprise to any of us when sorrows hit. Acceptance of this fact of life and resting in the love and power of Christ will serve us well.
2019 has been the single most challenging and painful year I've walked through with a breast cancer diagnosis in July only being a part of it. I had many times on my knees at the foot of my bed where I cried in despair to God. I felt lost, alone, powerless, angry, and afraid. I know that I wasn't singled out for misery by God. I know that many of you have experienced much of the same. Today, I only speak for myself. 
I want to be as real as is appropriate. I have seethed with anger at God and most recently snapped when I got to a boiling over point. Christians can seethe with rage. Yes, we can. It happened in the parking lot at Walmart (what better place)? I fell apart in the car. I wrestled with the God of my life. I was broken, frayed, and furious. Not, why me? Not even, why? Just, WHEN. WILL. IT. END? I poured out all the beliefs I had about my life, myself, and Him. Never mind, that in some remote place of my brain I knew half of it to be lies. IT FELT TRUE and I had to get it out. If you want a relationship with Christ, then you have to be real with Him. He doesn't care if you're at your work desk, in some reverent posture in the church pew, or in the Walmart parking lot. And, restaurant napkins work just fine when your nose begins to run out of control.
When I was "done" I actually felt better. I did not feel further away from God. I felt closer. Intimately closer. I felt heard and I felt loved. And, I was still somewhat pissed off as well, but that's okay. 
As some of you know, I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of July and recently just finished my last radiation treatment. I am cancer free. But, it's not over for me. Sure, I am rejoicing and am beyond grateful to God for my healing. But, it's NOT over. As I shared with my oncologist and she shared with me last week, I finally felt validated that indeed, in some ways it's only just begun. My skin is peeling, my immune system has been greatly compromised, and I am left with the scars, tenderness, and results of not one, but two surgeries that have left me disfigured. I will never be the same. As my husband and I talked over dinner the other night, he asked me in what ways I am different and I didn't really have an answer for him. All I know is that I'm not the same. I feel vulnerable and exposed while on the outside looking fine and acting fine. But, I'm not really fine. I have come to the conclusion that it is more than okay for me to admit that. I haven't lost my joy, peace or faith. I have it in abundance and I'm still not fine. 
I'm weary of Christians who can't be honest. There. I said it. My whole being desires early church. I yearn for no masks. I don't care about power points, clean carpets, cool stages, and projects. Just give me real people being real. You know why? Because that is how genuine healing happens. Real trust. Real forthcoming. Real connection. Real acceptance. Real growth. I've heard people complain that our churches should not be hospitals or social service institutions? Show me that philosophy in the Bible. You won't be able to. Jesus was a walking church. He healed, fed, and clothed. He shared. He cried. He taught. His pulpit was a boat. A synagogue. A mountain. A cross. Wherever He found Himself. He welcomed children, widows, the poor, mentally ill, contagious, beggars, prostitutes, thieves, adulterers, demon possessed, addicts, gossipers, and liars. He ate with SINNERS. That's ME and YOU. I even think about how He chastened Martha for being worried about things that didn't matter. "But the Lord said to her, 'My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details!' (Luke 10:41) We can be more concerned over storage space in our church building than the meaning of what it is we are actually storing and for whom. We've lost our way. This is NOT to say that organization and nice, and even the spectacular aren't important but when it becomes the priority over PEOPLE and JESUS, it leads to sin. I said the word, "sin." Whatever slim popularity I had is now waning, I know.
And, it all goes along with being authentic and honest. 
What is my testimony in the middle of the wilderness? It is that God IS alive and well inside of me. The worse things get, the more my love for Him grows. It sounds fake. I know that. It sounds like I have now put on the best-selling Christian mask but I speak the truth to you. Some day I pray that I can share the full story which isn't remotely over but for now, I share that God is in every cell of my being. He is in every tear shed and every pitiful offering I hand over to Him. He is in the breeze and the sun, the stream and the birds, and the intricacies of a flower. He is in my darkness and on the days when I can't see Him, I still know His presence. He is in the grace I'm able to give and in the aftermath of when I lose it completely. He was with me through every cold and painful procedure in the hospital. I have felt Him hold back fear so that I could walk through. He sits next to me when I am mean, angry and bitter. He comforts me when I am truly humanly alone. He sets my feet upon a rock time and time again at work. When I feel that I just can't, I find myself still moving. I laugh. I have fun. I enjoy people. I love people. I sleep. I am learning and growing. I am stepping out. I appreciate life. I am not afraid to die. I have full confidence of Whose I am. 
And, life does still suck at times (and I hate that word but sometimes it just fits). I'm also afraid of the future. Other times I'm not. Sometimes I sob with no sound. That is something new and it's the worst. Walking through the wilderness DOES offer plenty of testimony of who God is. It also offers great opportunity to ask for help. To be real and honest. To help others. To offer compassion. To learn whole new life skills. To prepare for greater. To prepare for worse. To learn humility. To learn about surrender. To see stumbling blocks more quickly. To depend on God more. To obtain greater wisdom.
If we want to heal, feel better, and do better then we have to embrace the training in the wilderness. We have to be authentic with each other and create safe environments for meaningful connection so that we CAN train. Groups of plastic people crying on the inside will stay crying. Trust me. 
If you're in the middle of "it" please don't lose heart. You matter. Your voice matters and so does your experience. You have much to offer and much to receive. You have a real story.
"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring." (Isaiah 58:11)
Working in mental health I've heard the saying, "It's okay to not be okay" numerous times. I admit that in certain moments I have silently combated that with, "Get over it, already." (Working in mental health can also mean becoming cynical with a boatload of compassion fatigue). But, I do want to say something to the followers of Jesus out there. IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. It doesn't mean you've lost your brain. It doesn't mean you're a wimpy, weak and sad Christian. It doesn't mean your faith isn't strong and alive. And, it doesn't mean that tomorrow won't be better. It's pretty simple. It just means that you're not okay. We don't need any gasps of horror or lightening strikes from the choir loft. But, a "thank you for being honest and now I feel I can be, too" might be in order.
Jesus certainly wasn't a faker so why should the church be? Let it start with us. Glory, Hallelujah, we are a LOVED people!

Beggars CAN Be Choosers

I have always disliked the statement, "Beggars can't be choosers." Why can't they be?
I would dare say that most of us have been in the position of "beggar." But, nevermind the position. Let's talk about what that feels like and what sort of beliefs accompany it. To be in need, HURTS. It doesn't matter if the need is a place to sleep, a hot meal, money to keep the lights on, a healed body, restored relationship, or someone to actually see us. A broken heart feels broken, and broken usually splinters into pieces that include shame, fear, embarrassment, loneliness, and powerlessness.  From those pieces come beliefs that tell us we are nothing, no good, and hopeless. Does this mean that a person's broken state doesn't entitle them to a choice? To something better or different? Says who? Certainly, not Jesus.
Jesus invites us to come to Him. He invites us to approach with boldness and confidence. He touched the contagious sick without thinking twice. He forgave the thief on the cross. He loved the prostitute. He transformed Paul, the murderer and hater of Christians. He gave Hannah, desperate to be a mother, not a few coins or a loaf of bread, but a beautiful SON!
He is the lavish giver of all things!
I have been the beggar. It is really hard. I also work with beggars. We are actually, people. We are not our need. Do you get that? People are way more than what they lack, or what we perceive they lack.
I have also been on the other end. The giving end. And, I have grieved God with my not so subtle self righteousness and arrogant thoughts. The change in tone of voice. You know, the condescending tone we use with the child who just spilled his milk? Or, the very wise advice we must immediately impart which will be the person's golden ticket to a new life. The fake concern when inside we are thinking, "Man, this person is a MESS." Ouch! Sorry, God.
How are we talking about the people we come across in our life who are hurting? Or, to get to the heart of it, what are we THINKING? What we don't need are a whole lot of do-gooders. Trust me, and many of you know what I am talking about. You can smell a do-gooder from a mile away and they STINK! People who are hurting are often quite insightful. They know down to their toes when someone feels pity, false concern, or (poorly) hidden self-righteousness. THEY KNOW.  Just because a person has found themselves in the position of a beggar, does not mean that they have lost their brain.
One of the greatest compliments I received from a resident at work was that I made her feel normal. Isn't that how we all want to feel? JUST. NORMAL?
Some of this is really about us becoming well acquainted with our own foul body odor. If we don't know that we stink, the deodorant will stay in the medicine cabinet. Get it? Jesus came for the sick (aka, ALL OF US) not the healthy.
Another part, is seeing people through the eyes of Christ. I wish this came naturally and without effort. I wish being a Christian made this kind of eyesight a given. But, it doesn't. Some people really piss us off. Some people really hurt us. Some people are pretty unlovable. Some are just plain annoying. Some sin differently than we do. Others can never seem to get it together. People are messy. People are hard. (As a reminder, we are one of "those people.") The ability to see into the eyes and heart of a person and see what Jesus sees takes work. It takes prayer and asking. It takes practice. It takes being aware of when we are starting to look down on someone, get exasperated, angry, or just annoyed. It even takes being aware of when we start to lose compassion and we feel a disconnect. Drawing on the power of the Holy Spirit is imperative when it comes to caring for others. Acknowledging the grace and forgiveness that the Lord has lavished on us time and again will help us be able to extend it to others. Being aware of our own brokenness will help us care about the brokenness in others.
As Christmas approaches, we will no doubt be in contact with people who are really hurting for all different reasons. May we guard our tongues, hearts, and minds against judgment, criticism and indignation. And, by ALL means beggars are absolutely entitled to be choosers. That is not a statement to live by.  Instead, may we be the kind of people and church who roll out the red carpet and give up our seat for others.
We are all sinners.
And wow, we are also loved.

Praise Him With Our WHOLE Body

Our words are important. How we talk about our bodies, matters. The dialog in our head that is on daily reset affects us. I have been convicted of this lately. Mindset is so important.
It is effortless to claim disease on our body. We are given a diagnosis and too often we make it a part of ourselves like a leg or an arm. We attach the word "my" to cancer, anxiety, depression, muscle aches, torn tendons, stomach conditions, heart conditions, broken bones, PMS, disfigurements, memory loss, addictions, weight, and just fill in the blank. I thought about this when I was diagnosed with cancer and heard myself say, "my cancer." I had to catch myself. I did NOT want to claim that over my life. It was "the cancer." We are NOT our diagnosis even though it often feels like we are. Depending on the situation, it can feel overwhelming and like it's all of who we are and/or who we will always be. But, that is not true. We are not arthritis. We are not bi-polar. We may struggle with it, but we are not IT. We are wonderfully and fearfully made by God. It is only a part of what is in our life, it is not our whole being. It is not our whole self and should never become our identity. We are created by God in His image.
What can we give God praise with? How about our whole body? Can every cell stand up and give God honor? How about every muscle, tendon, joint, and bone? How about the losses in your body? The things that used to be and just aren't anymore? YES! How about our toes, hands, and the crown of our heads? Our brains and hearts? All the organs? Blood? Chemicals? What about the systems - nervous, endocrine, respiratory, digestive, immune, reproductive and so forth? YES! Can things failing give God praise? I would say yes. When I had cancer I would command in the name of Jesus that every cell give the Lord praise, including the cancer cells. EVERYTHING is subject to the King. We are broken humans and we still give God praise so why shouldn't that part that isn't working, give God praise? Again, this is about being conscious of our words and thoughts in regard to our body.
There is so much more I could write about in regard to this, but we need to stop claiming junk over our lives. I encourage you to start thinking, praying and speaking LIFE. There is something special that happens when we give God honor and praise with our whole body and begin to name different parts. For me, I began to love myself better. I began to think about how I could be taking better care of myself. I saw the parts of myself that I didn't like as special and formed by God. I began to be less afraid of the cancer. I began to develop tender feelings toward my body. I began to appreciate the things that were functioning like the fact that I could breathe on my own, feel the wind, taste something sweet, use my fingers, have a heart that was pumping blood through my body, and a mind that could reason. I could sense the hand of Jesus upon me. I could feel His love better. Diagnoses and imperfections could be set aside because all that mattered was that everything in me could bow before the Lord and give Him all the praise He was due.
If you want to praise Him with your whole self, then do it, and begin naming those parts, most especially the parts that aren't working well. In fact, start there. For example, "Lord, I give you praise with my whole being this morning, including my digestive system which has been causing me so much grief. Every part of that is standing to your attention this morning, acknowledging you as Lord, loving you, and giving you praise." Give the Lord ALL you have. He is worthy!
And, pray for healing while you give praise and THANKS. Watch your conversations. Do they revolve around all that is wrong? There is nothing wrong with venting to a trusted friend. There is nothing wrong with lamenting your heart out to the Lord. But, add praise, whether you feel like it or not. Don't claim the bad stuff like it's some badge of honor because it isn't. Replace "my" with "the." It'll take time and practice. Ask the Lord for help. I have a WAYS to go in this area. And by all means, give yourself a good hug once in a while and practice self-compassion.
I haven't arrived anywhere with this yet. This is a different way of praying. But, God is working on me and I am noticing a difference. I'm liking my body a little better and I'm loving the Lord a whole lot more. He is a Healer. A real Healer. Be encouraged.

Divine Anesthesia

In the late morning of July 29, I had just gotten to my car after running errands when my phone rang. It was the nurse calling from the doctor's office and I assumed she had the results of the biopsy I had done the week prior. I got a pit in my lower stomach as I answered and then I got the news we had been praying against for the last weeks. I had breast cancer. I listened and felt numb as I jotted down on a piece of scrap paper the details. It all felt surreal. 2019 had already proven to be challenging and this news felt like the continuation of crashing waves during high winds. Yet, something was different about this. The water pooled at my ankles and I could see the storm. I understood it to be significant on an intellectual level, but my body did not feel deterred. The burden was there but it felt LIGHT.
I admit to the feeling of panic and dread when I first realized something wasn't right weeks prior. I started thinking about Jason and him being alone. I thought about my Bible and who should have it. My wedding ring. The holiday decorations in the attic. Letters I wanted to write. The kids' weddings. And other, more random and weird stuff. I thought about my death because that is right where your mind goes when you find a lump in your breast that shouldn't be there. But, as soon as the ball got rolling and I went to that first doctor's appointment, there was zero doubt in my mind that Jesus was holding and protecting me.
You need to understand that I don't go to doctors and I don't take medication. No one in my family does. By the grace of God, that has not been a part of my life. So, this was a big deal. Not just the lump, but going to a doctor. Even FINDING a doctor took me some time. When I walked in, the receptionist referred to me as "honey" but not in a condescending way. It was in a grandmotherly, kind and concerned way. She advocated for me right away after that exam and found me a place to go for the mammogram and ultrasound. She even called to tell me "not to worry about a thing." It was like Jesus was speaking right through her to me.
The women who took care of me for ALL of the subsequent tests were angels. True angels who made me feel comfortable and cared for. And, then I met the breast surgeon and her nurse and once again, I KNEW the Lord's hand was in this provision as well.
But, it wasn't just my healthcare. I was walking in a sphere that was protected and provided by the Lord like I had NEVER experienced in my life. I had peace. Peace in the night. In the morning. At work. With Jason. With my kids. PEACE. Like one friend so perfectly put it - "Divine Anesthesia." I don't recall asking for it. I didn't try to muster it up. I didn't work for it. I just had it. I moved through appointment after appointment. I moved through waiting for one phone call with test results and then another. I prayed daily that every cell in my body would stand up and give God praise. I never once claimed the cancer. I didn't say "my" cancer. It was "the" cancer and it did not belong in my body. I prayed in the name of Jesus for healing all the time. Others prayed the same way. I even had a prayer meeting at my house where I was anointed with oil and prayed over. I did what I could. And, sometimes I did cry. Sometimes, I did feel afraid. Tired. Lonely. And, my mind would wander to "what if." I thought about ministry and if I would be able to continue. I thought about chemo. Losing my hair. Being sick. How this would affect my ability to work. It was an odd feeling to know that I was walking around with cancer inside of me. I thought about a lot of things. I even distinctly remember sitting on my deck one afternoon and being mindful of everything that I could hear. Distant voices. Cars. Wind. Birds. Everything felt extra precious and meaningful. The simple and mundane became purposeful.
This had nothing however, to do with me or what I did or didn't do. I am nothing apart from God and that is the truth. I have prayed for certain circumstances and not seen any change. I've had my heart broken. I've struggled with fear and worry way too much. I have been in the pit just like everyone else. We all have a story. This just happens to be part of mine. I don't speak for anyone other than myself and I certainly don't speak for anyone else's experience with cancer or other health struggle.
On September 17 I had the tumor and a few lymph nodes removed. The surgeon was able to remove the whole tumor and get a clean margin around it. My lymph nodes also came back clear. However, on October 1, I had to go in for a second surgery to expand the clean margin around one area. That also came back clear and as of today, praise the Lord, I am cancer free! I am meeting with two oncologists next week to discuss radiation and hormone treatments. I will walk in having done my research, advocating for myself, and trusting God. I already know that I do NOT need chemo and for that I give God praise.
I don't have answers as to why I have been carried so thoroughly through this experience or why the results came back so good. Why can we have multiple areas of grief in our life and in some areas experience profound peace, and in other areas the struggle is very real? It is not because God only attends to certain pieces. That, I do know. Anything that concerns us, concerns Him. I believe there are facets to situations we just can't see or understand. God tells us that our ways are not His ways (Isaiah 55:8). He also tells us not to lean on our own understanding of things (Proverbs 3:5). Some things we may never really understand and other times understanding comes with time. I don't believe we are always called to understand, anyway. I think we love, trust, and obey God even when we cannot see a thing.
But, I am here to say that peace that passes understanding is very real. "Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7 
My heart and mind have been guarded by my PROTECTOR, Jesus Christ. There is no human explanation for how I have been carried through this experience. I trust the Lord will continue to bring me through the radiation treatments as well. I don't know much about tomorrow, or next week, month or year. But, I definitely know that my love for God bursts from within me. I continue to fall more in love with Him over time. Even as my life brings hurt, and I fall, fail miserably, grow weary, impatient and disheartened, the love I have for God propels me forward. But, even more than that is the love God has for me and for you. It FILLS us with unthinkable power. Power to heal. Power to change. Power to forgive. Power to be comforted. Power to love. Power to rest. Power to do more. We could read over 100 self-help books by prolific genius authors, listen to TED talks, attend seminars, sit in a therapist's office, and try out the latest great life improvement (all good and helpful) and NONE of it will touch the power of Christ. None of it will bring you peace like He can. I will stand on that and proclaim it until I take my last breath. There is NO ONE and NOTHING like Him in all the universe.
I thank Him all the time about the peace I've had in regard to the cancer. I didn't earn that peace. I didn't perform for it. I just had it. It just - was. It just - is. It has helped me in other areas of my life as well. When I feel afraid, I recall and feel the peace I have about my health and it steadies me. It reminds me again of God's presence and His faithfulness. You can do the same. With all the thoughts that go flying through your head, here is one to pause on: remember a time when God gave you peace whether it was in a specific situation and/or in a certain place. Stop there and remember. Feel what it felt like. Let the memory wash over you and thank God for that time and trust Him for the now.
God is kind. He is a tender to our wounds. He is a picker-upper. He is the wings under which we find refuge and fall asleep at night. He is God Almighty. 

Fools No Longer, Please

As I sit in my living room this morning, I am overcome with gratitude for a small group of dear praying friends. It is bringing to mind something I've been thinking about lately as most of these friends could be old enough to be my mother. It is the waning respect of a generation for all that is older and wiser. It is the lack of honor given to those who have paved the way. It is the foolishness of believing that those who don't squeak with the newness of the latest Apple gadget are irrelevant. It is the blindness that only sees 'my way or the highway.' It is the work of the enemy.
I have sat in church meetings. CHURCH meetings. Where those deemed older were politely dismissed. Ideas swept away. Disregarded. Dishonored. I've watched this incredulously knowing that the older could work circles around the well-meaning younger. I'm barely fifty and I have felt it done to me by those who could be called my son or daughter. A laugh. A good-natured, "Oh, Dee." I have felt their belief that I am irrelevant down to my toes. Nevermind, that I have been in their shoes. Never mind that I have fallen and gotten up too many times to count building character and wisdom. I'm still irrelevant. 
We celebrate youth. It's where it's at. Plastic surgery is at an all time high. Potions, lotions, and creams promising backward aging fly off the shelves. Even men can dye their hair and beards. The young are hired for jobs as the wise, intelligent, experienced and reliable 60 year old is left flailing. The 70 year old who can't operate the TV remote is a laughing stock even though he could handle a crisis with his eyes closed. Churches are hiring the new and young with their skinny jeans, black fitted t-shirts, and great ideas for how to get the pews packed. The older are quietly pushed out to make way for the new and young. Because the new and young are where it's at. That is, until we begin to plummet like a team of horses who didn't bother to see the cliff ahead because we were so impressed with our newly shoed hooves. It's a big mistake. I've made it about others and others have made it about me. I don't write to stir anger or get a riled crowd. I write this so we can be better and wiser.

Here are some scriptures to consider:

"A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion." 
Proverbs 18:2
"A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds back."
Proverbs 29:11
"Claiming to be wise, they became fools."
Romans 1:22
"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice."
Proverbs 12:15
"Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days."
Job 12:12
"Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future."
Proverbs 19:20
"The King Rehoboam took counsel with the old men, who had stood before Solomon his father while he was yet alive, saying, "How do you advise me to answer this people?"
1 Kings 12:6
"Remember the days of old; consider the years of many generations; ask your father, and he will show you, your elders, and they will tell you."
Deuteronomy 32:7
"Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or to be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good. These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in the their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. They will not bring shame on the word of God."
Titus 2:3-5
"Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.'
1 Peter 5:5

There is a ton of wisdom in those scriptures and there are many more that speak on this topic. Clearly, GOD HAS SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT AND WE WOULD ALL DO WELL TO PAY ATTENTION! His instructions are always motivated by His love for us. We are better people when we give honor to those older than us. It just makes sense. God always makes sense. 

But, I speak from personal experience as I give thanks to God this morning for a group of older and wiser women who have prayed me through some of my darkest moments and greatest joys. They are a treasure to me. Sometimes, the prayers were going out before the break of dawn and would continue throughout the day. They have been warriors for me, interceding on my behalf countless times. They have strengthened me as a woman, wife, and mother. They have pointed me upward, always. They have given me hope when I didn't feel any. I have shared secrets, humiliations, and cries from my heart. My marriage is better because of them. My faith is deeper. They have a wealth of experience between them and I want that and NEED it. They have loved me unconditionally.

I'm at this rather unique place in my life where most all of my friends are older while my co-workers are quite young. My core is small. I don't know how it happened but it did over time and I'm okay with it. God always has us where He wants us and where He can use us. But, we need to get back to a place where we begin to SEE, honor, and respect how extraordinary our elders are. We need them and they need us as well. They are more relevant now than ever before (in my humble opinion)! And Church, we have to get better at this. It is NOT all about us. I cringe at the folly of it. It is not our way or the highway. It's a sure way for a ministry to get tripped up and for a church's foundation to crack. It's time to start listening and rereading those God-breathed scriptures given to us for a reason. A reason motivated by a loving Father who knows BEST.

Learn from His Journey

Sometimes, the anticipation of an event can be more painful than the event itself. I often talk about this with residents at work when they have hard sessions coming up or other difficult situations pending. Perspective.
For the last few days, I have been thinking about Jesus's journey to the cross. I'm thinking most specifically about the months leading up to what He knew was to come. In this instance, I am pretty certain that Jesus's actual death on the cross was worse than the journey there. However, the journey is still worth looking at because despite knowing what was to come, He kept walking toward it.
As He made His way toward Jerusalem, He never lost sight of His identity, purpose, or Father. He faced what needed facing. He healed what was sick. He loved all that was unlovely. He replaced evil with good. He fed the hungry. He turned law and tradition upside down. He welcomed children and widows, and touched the unclean. He knew Himself. He went away alone when He needed to. He had compassion and endless patience. He taught and in such a way that hearts and minds were pierced. He was a CLASS ACT and STILL IS. I just keep thinking of everything that He did and endured out of absolute love. He was cast aside, unheard and unseen, scorned, made fun of, and eventually brutally killed in the most savage and humiliating way.
I suppose it could have been done another way. He could have been big and majestic and fed into the misconstrued idea of what a Messiah should look like. But, instead, it was done the only and right way. It was done in such a way that revealed the true character of our Lord and Savior.
We have been created in the image of Him and have the privilege of serving the greatest King that has ever been or ever will be. He is deserving of every last praise. He is deserving of our absolute trust. He is to be revered and honored. We are here to give Him our adoration, love, and surrender. Whether plenty or want, good or bad, failing crop or thriving, He is worthy of praise. He is the classiest EVER, and even that description is flimsy.
Thank you, Jesus for your journey to the cross, your death, and Resurrection. Let me learn from your example because I want to journey like You. You are EVERYTHING to me.

The Uninhibited Beggar

I have found that sitting on the edge of an overturned rowboat at the shore of a beautiful lake, is a most delightful place to write - the sun on my back with the shade of a Douglas Fir on my legs. God is always with us, isn't He?
This morning, I was studying Mark 10: 46-52, where Jesus heals the blind beggar while walking through the streets of Jericho. I have read this story numerous times, but it is true that the word of God is alive, because today, a specific part of this scripture spoke to my heart like never before.
"Son of David!" he (the beggar) cried, "Jesus! Have pity on me!" Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet. But he shouted all the more. "Son of David! Have pity on me!" Jesus came to a stop. "Call him here!" he said.
There is so much in this part of scripture that could be taken apart and a lesson learned from, but this morning, the beggar's uninhibited determination caught my attention. He did not entirely understand who Jesus was, but he had enough faith to know that He was someone more than special - the Messiah who was coming to save - One in whom he could put his trust. He did not care that his shouting caused an annoyance. He was not deterred by the condescending words to be quiet. He was not going to be invisible, oppressed, and blind one second longer, for His HOPE had arrived and he knew it! When Jesus called him, he did not think twice. He threw off his cloak, jumped up and went to Jesus even though he could not even see. Talk about blind faith? Literally!
So, I had to ask myself the question, am I throwing off everything to run straight to Jesus? Am I letting my own fear, busyness, ruminating, fixing and planning hinder me in my straight on walk to the One who holds my heart - my LIFE? Am I leaping and running despite my inability to see? I want to be this beggar! I want to hold what he held.
While I was writing, my dog came bounding down the path toward the lake like the maniac chocolate lab that he is. He was running back and forth and jumping up and down with a stick in his mouth. I laughed out loud. God truly gave me an image of what the joyful beggar might've looked like after he was healed! (Verse 52)
Let me encourage you as the Lord has encouraged me this morning. When in need, be specific. Place every obstacle aside and go to Jesus directly. Go uninhibited, just as you are, and with faith that is bold and unwavering. HE is asking you now, "What would you like me to do for you?" Share with Him what is on your heart and while you await His provision, experience the joy of the Lord!

Dee M. Kostelyk

Facing It Alone

There will be times every day when we have no choice but to face and do things alone. There are tasks nobody can do for us. There are feelings nobody can feel for us. And, when we lie down at night, it is only our own head that hits the pillow with an array of thoughts and emotions. Nobody can really take our place. We really feel it during those more monumental moments when: Nobody else is going to deliver our baby. Nobody else is going to feel the last breaths of our life approaching. Nobody else is going to be on the receiving end of "that" phone call. Fill in the blank.
I have found an increase in the fear around me in regard to walking out on that "plank" alone. The fear is not just about being incapable or failing, but more deeply, about being shamed, invisible, or worse, abandoned and annihilated. We will do what we can to get out of standing on that plank. We will stall, distract, numb out and/or work ourselves into a panic. I've been there. But, none of it will keep us from walking alone during certain times in our life. It is inevitable for all of us.
But, wait. It cannot be that bleak. There must be hope in this. We aren't really alone, are we?
This morning I was reading in Mark 10 about how Jesus was slowly making his way to Jerusalem with His disciples knowing exactly what was to come. He was making His way to the cross and He knew it. At one point He was walking ahead of the disciples by Himself. The disciples were still perplexed about this Messiah who said He was going to die and rise up again three days later. Jesus's closest friends - the friends He taught, ate and slept with, did ministry with, loved, and LIVED life with, could not empathize because they did not comprehend. How lonely that must've been, feeling-wise. Yet, Jesus knew His mission. He knew His purpose. He believed in what He had to do and there was no one that could take His place.  Despite the sweat blood and cry to His Father in the garden of Gethsemane, it was His body that gave out on the cross at Calvary. And through Him, the Father, and the gift of the Holy Spirit, we don't have to walk through anything alone. Not ever.
I'm grateful for that because even just writing about facing "it" alone was causing me angst. I could hardly wait to get to the good part! AKA, the Truth!
The truth is that the Lord will NEVER abandon us and there are numerous scriptures to support that. One of my favorites is Psalm 94: 18-19 "I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."
We have a Savior who relates to us on a deep level. In fact, Isaiah 53:3 talks about Jesus being "acquainted with deepest grief" and Psalm 34:18 says the Lord is "close to the brokenhearted." That doesn't sound like a clueless Father who doesn't understand and who leaves us when we're hurting and facing things humanly alone.  
The more we go to Him, praise Him, study Him, listen to Him, and pour our hearts to Him, the better equipped we will be when those alone times come. And, we will realize that we made it. We did it. We're still breathing. The warmth of Jesus's love will have empowered us. You will see that lonely endeavor as valuable, not because it was pain-free, but because it was the place where Jesus held you up; the place where He raised your chin and straightened your spine so you could see Him. It will be the place where you grew new courage and understood more fully the depth of God's love.✝️

The Gift of a Memory

As a mom, I have had a lot of regrets. Sometimes, it is easier to go to those than to the things that I did right. Countless times, I have wished to go back in time and be a different mom. I wish I could take some things back and I wish I could add some other things. I would love to have just a day where I could have all three kids back at home and in grade school. Just one day to see their little prepubescent bodies again! A day where my two boys aren't much taller than me with deep voices and facial hair. A day where I could still brush Jada's hair and put it up in some festive 4th of July hair bow. A day where they would get excited to play with sparklers and watch the fireworks on a blanket. I am choked up just writing this. JUST ONE DAY. I wish I wasn't checked out as often as I was during some of their high school years. It was a rough time and I remember at times doing the best that I could, putting one foot in front of the other. If only I had the faith in God and the closeness I have with Him, back then, that I do now. Those years are a bit of a blur in some ways.
I remember it being early on in our marriage, I was 25, and working full-time at a mental health center. I used to take my lunch breaks outside at a park across the street. I would watch all the moms with their kids, some in strollers, and I would yearn to be one of them. After a year of struggling with infertility, God blessed us with Jesse.  We went on to have two more very precious children. It was busy having three kids five and under but I loved it. I loved being a wife, mom, and homemaker. To this day, it is still where my heart is.
I am not sure exactly what was going on with me this morning. I wouldn't say that I felt sad, but there was a little somethin' going on in my heart. The last week was busy with Jason and I  working extra hours all through the weekend as well as getting ready to leave for Missouri to see Jada graduate from basic combat training.  Maybe I was feeling a little bit tired coming down from the excitement and anticipation of seeing Jada. Maybe some of it was thinking about all the early mornings that I would pray for her and now I knew where she was and how she was doing. She was asleep in her own bed under our roof for the first time in 14 weeks. You know how one thought evolves into the next, often apart from our will? Maybe I was thinking about how old my kids are now and wondering how much I still matter and wondering if I did a good job with them. I don't know, but there was a real tenderness sitting inside me like an ache. It was released in a tearful cry to the Father of my heart; to the safest ONE in my universe. The God of Heaven. Jesus. And, because God is so good to me, he brought to mind a time when Jada was 9 years old. Now, I could write endlessly about my two boys, and some day that will be another published blog. But for today, I will focus on my only and favorite daughter.
It started with a nickel sized bald spot on the side of her head in the late summer of 2009. I saw it one day while I was blow-drying her hair. I didn't think a whole lot about it at the time, but as the days and weeks progressed, the spot grew bigger and more hair began to come out with no explanation. It was then that I realized she had Alopecia which is an autoimmune disease. It is unexplained hair loss with no known root cause. I struggled to understand why a seemingly healthy girl would suddenly begin losing her hair. During this time, Jason and I were heavily involved in a healing Ministry at our church. We even went to a few different trainings. After almost three months into this, Jada had lost so much hair that we had to look into getting her a wig. I distinctly remember that she was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz for Halloween. She had a class party that day and I spent extra time putting two braids in her hair in such a way that the bald spots would be covered up. On the inside I grieved and wondered how many other little girls were getting ready for Halloween without a care in the world, but my daughter had to be self-conscious about her hair at the age of nine. I remember praying and asking a few others to pray as well. She ended up looking adorable and had a super fun day. But, my heart ached. I had many dark moments wondering if she would eventually lose all the hair on her body and if it would ever come back. I envisioned her as a college student having to wear a wig. While this was not life-threatening, it was a nasty disease in another kind of way. However, it gave me the opportunity to exercise my faith in a God who heals, like I never had in my life. It also gave me the opportunity to teach my nine-year-old about faith in what you cannot see. I distinctly remember brushing her hair and clumps of hair coming out in the brush. At the same time, I explained to her that just because her hair was coming out and that is what she was SEEING, did not mean God was not working in her body.  It was then that I taught her 2 Corinthians 5: 7, "For we walk by faith and not by sight." It was our theme.
I remember going to a small boutique in Naperville to look at wigs. The woman was very kind and we found one that would be a good match for Jada. I went there with a friend and left Jada at home. I remember walking out of the boutique with tears coming hard and fast. Why did I have to even be at this stupid boutique? Why did I have to be picking out a wig for my little girl? And yet, while I had many dark moments, including being curled up on the living room floor one day, I held fast and tightly to the word of God. I believed that Jesus would heal her and that is what I, by huge and shaking faith, taught Jada. You know what God reminded me of this morning? He reminded me of the day Jada went to the boutique and was fitted with her new blond wig. I remember that she actually smiled. Would you believe, we went home that day and her brothers hardly even noticed that she had a wig on? And even more precious, we later went to a friend's birthday party at Jump Zone. Without any fear or trepidation, Jada got inside the bouncy house and did somersaults and flips with her brand new wig on! That, was my Jada. That, IS my God. I will fast forward to say that Jesus did in fact heal her in a supernatural way. It was about four or five weeks later, when her hair started to come in at the crown of her head. One of my prayers was that God would give her a healthy and long head of hair, which He did. But, that story is for another blog!
God brought all of this to mind today, reminding me of the good things that I did. He reminded me how Jason and I have contributed to Jada's self-confidence, bravery, and resilience. The Lord also used us to encourage her faith in a powerful God. Jada is a far healthier young woman today than I ever was at her age. My heart overflows with pride for her and humble gratitude to God for having His hand upon her.
I whispered tearfully to the Lord over and over this morning, "You are so good to me." HE knew I needed those memories to encourage and affirm the Mom Heart inside of me. It is the enemy who seeks to kill, steal, and destroy. I might also add that he distorts everything. It is good to recall the faithfulness of God. It is good to allow the Lord's LOVE to wash over us. It is good to allow His affirmation of Who We Are. It is only the enemy who tells us that is somehow wrong - who tells us to hang our heads low with shame, guilt, and condemnation. Jesus Christ gives us good gifts, every single day. This morning, He gave me the gift of memory. Good memories that affirmed my creation in His image to carry out His purpose as a mom. I seriously could feel the warmth and tenderness radiate from the Lord all around me. He lifted me up and removed the out of balance guilt and condemnation.
He can do that for you today as well. Give Him your shame and watch Him mold and create the beautiful Truth for you.
Also, you have TODAY. God says in Lamentations 3 that His mercies are new EVERY MORNING. The Lord is good and He loves you, fiercely, no matter what.
How I love this beautiful girl of mine. I'm so thankful God gave her to me and gave me the privilege of being her mom.

Dee M. Kostelyk

Sushi in the Sand

On a whim, I decided to take off for Porter Beach in Indiana today by myself. It was a great drive with music blaring and the windows open. After getting situated in my beach chair, I decided to open up my perfect lunch of perfect sushi only to have it fall right into the sand! The irritation was quickly replaced by determination to eat this perfect lunch, no matter what. I rinsed it off in the lake. A little sand never hurt anybody, after all...

This made me think about a conversation I recently had with a friend. We were talking about living life with the glass half full and persevering through trials.  It is interesting how when you are having a good day, everything looks bright. Even the jerks in your life become good ole souls. But, when there is a little thumbtack sticking in your foot, or your sushi falls in the sand, suddenly everybody becomes an irritation for one reason or another, including the ones who appear so happy.

I have been told that my writing is more geared toward women. I've also been told that there is too much lamenting and negativity in what I share. Ironically, I've also been accused of "pretending," being "holier than thou," and even in denial. Others are inspired and encouraged. Some find me "very religious" said in such a way that I'm not sure "religious" is that attractive. The good news is that I've increasingly begun to care less. I've increasingly begun to write with more abandon and authenticity as the Spirit leads and it feels WON DER FUL! I always want to be real and I always want to honor God. My prayer is that I may be used to encourage someone. Anyone. Probably, because of my own pain.

In a world full of hurt, it's refreshing for me to see posts of people's kids, families, birthdays, graduations, milestones, prayer requests, devotions and scriptures, jokes, and what not. Just because someone posts a beautiful family picture does not mean that the kids weren't pulling each other's hair and the baby didn't have snot running out of her nose seconds before it was taken. Who cares?! It doesn't mean that the smiling couple celebrating 25 years of marriage (oh wait, that would be my husband and I today) haven't hated each other on occasion and haven't worked DANG hard at what they have. Why must we be miserable to be accepted? Furthermore, why must we appear to be perfect to be accepted? We can hold both sadness and joy at the same time. Really, truly, we can. And we can do it, and find acceptance. Life is rarely one or the other. We may have seasons of each, but for most of us on the planet, things can hit the fan in the morning, our heart may be aching, and we can still share a real laugh with a friend at noon and even go to bed with peace in our heart. It's LIFE.

You've probably heard the little saying, "Don't let anybody dim Your sparkle." I like that. Find the good about yourself, others, and your life, and ponder it. Celebrate it with gusto. Shine. Think about God's faithfulness to you in the past. Stay there for a while. FEEL what it felt like when He came through for you.  And, don't be afraid or shy about being yourself. You have been wonderfully made by God, in His image, and He rejoices over you. Share your good news not because your life is perfect, not because you need to impress, but because you're happy - because you've chosen joy!

It is good and well to lament. It's healthy. It strengthens our relationship with God. But, it is ONLY good when it eventually empties you out and brings you to a place of surrender, and then praise of our beautiful, kind, and merciful God. Lament should bring you TO God, not away from Him.

I have to admit that while my sushi tasted good, I could feel the grains of sand in my teeth. A real bummer. On the other hand, I am at the beach! The sun is out and I'm listening to the waves. I'm more than okay.

PONDER WHAT IS GOOD. IF YOU HAVE TO SEARCH FOR IT THEN ASK THE LORD TO BE YOUR SEARCH PARTNER. GOD LOVES YOU AND YOU ARE OF GREAT VALUE.

 "Now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (Philippians 4:8)

Why Shine?

There is a hurting world out there who are desperate to believe that God is real. They don't want to just hear about Him, they need to see Him because in that sense, seeing really is believing. 
In Matthew 5:16, Jesus said:"In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father." At first read, it sounds a little pompous, doesn't it? It is if we consider Matthew 6:1, "Watch out! Don't do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others, for you will lose the reward from your Father in heaven." There is no contradiction here. The difference is in the heart of man and oh, what a tangle the heart can be! 
Jesus is saying that our good deeds (kindness, generosity, praise, forgiveness, joy, perseverance, peace making, sacrifice, compassion...) should shine not for our own glory, but for HIS! And, why? So that "everyone will praise your heavenly Father." It is so people who don't know Christ will WANT to know Him and those who already do will be ENCOURAGED in their faith. Our actions must be rooted IN JESUS. They must be born out of a huge love for Him. They must be done with a desire to see His kingdom furthered and to see 'on earth as it is in heaven.' They must be done to change lives for the better like He has changed our own life. 
Part of this is stepping out and sharing our stories of what God has done and is doing in our life. Lights are meant to shine and to provide a way to see clearly. We wouldn't turn a flashlight on and then stick it in the closet. We are to be light shiners. It reminds me of REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling." There is a line that goes, "You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night." I always loved that. That is who we need to be to our world. If we do it for own glory, we lose out. We really do lose the reward from our Father and who wants to experience that? And, if God isn't given the credit, and we are instead, what gain is that for others? It's a loss for them as well. 
When our actions come up and pour out from a place of heart connection with Christ, they will shine in such a way that people see less of us and more of God. AND, IT IS GOD WHO PEOPLE ARE WANTING TO SEE.
It IS a challenge, no doubt. It's really something how much good we hold in our hearts right next to all that can be ugly. Sometimes I shudder at the home I'm providing for the Holy Spirit to live in!  But, He still stays. He's my God. He's my family. His rightful place is in illumination. It is God who saves.
So, go be a light shiner wherever God has placed you and do it so that the Lord may be praised! 

Pray Big

Sometimes, we have to make decisions that aren't popular, well-accepted, understood, or even that humanly reasonable. Recently, I was talking with a volunteer and the pastor of the church our ministry is partnered with in the city. On December 15 we are having a Christmas celebration at our Saturday outreach. We are praying for 200 toys to be provided for us to give parents and grandparents in the community for their children. A small committee is working on the logistics of this - price range, delivery, hand out procedure etc. As we talked in the sanctuary last Friday, we voiced concerns about the toy distribution procedure. What if many of the families were large? Would we run out of gifts? Did we need to set a limit per family even if that meant not all the kids would get a gift? Would that be worse than running out of gifts? What if some lied about how many gifts they needed? What if some standing in line became agitated? I listened to the conversation while also mulling over these questions in my mind. They were valid points and I knew that the 15th was going to be a jam packed day with the gifts and everything else planned. So, I blurted without thinking, "The ideal is that every family gets what they need and that we don't run out of toys." As I said it, the truth that it was also what God would want, really hit me. Why not pray for the ideal and trust the Lord to provide? If some lie, then that's not our concern, but the Lord's. If many families have a large number of kids, then we have to trust God to multiply what we have to satisfy every family. As the three of us stood there, it quickly sunk in how that was what we were going to do. (Praise God for brothers and sisters in Christ who are like minded and in agreement) We were going to have a planned and organized procedure in place and trust God for the turnout and outcome. We would walk by faith as we had no idea how many would show up or how many children would be needing toys. Either we trusted God or we didn't. We were going to choose trust. Completely.
I'm writing this without knowing what will happen on the 15th and I won't publish it until I find out. Some may think we're naive, even pretty stupid. Some would anticipate all kinds of miserable scenarios (and don't think I haven't). But, when I thought about the ideal and I thought about every family going away with what they needed, it simply felt right. No man-made, flimsy faith, crappy dictating limits were going to be put on JESUS'S BIRTHDAY! Our Savior! And, the more I thought about any kind of joy sucking two gift per family limit, the more my skin crawled. God help us. For real. God help ME!
I can lead, plan and organize. I can inspire. I can write. And, I can make a good roast in my crock pot. But, I am no theologian, teacher, doctor or politician by any stretch. What I do know first hand is the love of God and all that IT has to do with injustice, poverty, shame, fear, restoration and healing. I know that Jesus was not always the most popular or well-liked guy. I know He threw people for a loop. Messed up their ideals and made them scratch their heads. He denounced the authority of religious leaders, touched lepers, healed on the Sabbath, engaged with women, ate with "sinners", forgave people's sins (What? Who is this man who claimed He could forgive sins?!), and He taught about a different kind of fasting that actually involved heart opening love sacrifice and connection. He just changes us, doesn't He? I mean, NOBODY can penetrate our hearts and minds like Jesus!
It is so easy to operate out of fear. We do everything we can to ensure nice and neat and safe and orderly that we lose out big time. We miss the bigger picture.

*

I'm happy to report that at our Rapha Chicago Christmas celebration we handed out OVER 360 gifts to the community! It was a beautiful, precious, and celebratory occasion as we honored Jesus. I had forgotten all about this unfinished blog until I saw this draft today, five months later. But, God knew. He knew I needed to be reminded today of His faithfulness to Rapha Chicago AND in my life.  It may not have been a monumental decision to trust God like we did with the Christmas gifts. Certainly, we come up against far bigger decisions, but it was still an example of God's faithfulness and the importance of praying and trusting big.
To God be the glory!

THAT Kind of Father

Suffering isn't pretty. It's often isolating, lonely, and condemning. It doesn't work with hollow instructions. It's dang messy.

Often, for Christians, suffering leaves us reeling and running - running for cover before we are found out by our peers, family, loved ones - and God. Surely, nobody is the swollen eyed, runny nosed, curled up mess that we are. Surely, nobody else is sitting in a parking lot alone, void of life, feeling the punch in the gut of absolute nothingness. Surely, no other brother or sister is contemplating death as they sit at their work desk, lap top open, surrounded by pictures of their smiling kids. 

The "all things work together for good..." which of course we believe works for everyone else, becomes an ineffective background chant to the more intense screaming of the grief we are feeling. We wonder what is wrong with us. Why the yo-yo?  We are supposed to be developing character and perseverance, not insomnia, panic attacks, headaches and shame. We are supposed to be suffering like a Christian, for goodness sake! (Insert three consecutive claps and a "let's get it together!")

However, the truth about how many Christians are suffering is not being displayed for our viewing. This leaves us comparing ourselves to a partial picture which only adds jagged pieces of hail to the storm we are already standing in. Combine this with well-intentioned Christian messages that gloss over the wretchedness of pain (because victory is where it's at) and we are set up to fall into disillusionment about Jesus and ourselves. The truth is that suffering is a stinking mess for everyone and nobody knows it better than Christ, Himself.

Seriously, there is NO ONE who knows this better than Jesus. But for a minute, we will put Him aside and just name a few others whose suffering God wanted us familiar with:

David - The Psalms are full of his lamenting. He often felt alone, scared of enemies, and in despair. He struggled with guilt and shame over his sins. He talked about his throat being parched and feeling worn out from calling for help. David knew depression. (Psalms)
Hannah - She wept in anguish to the Lord for a child. She talked of pouring out her soul and having an abundance of grief. Hannah knew longing and she also understood feeling excluded and devalued. (Samuel) 
Hagar - She was abused and a slave, pregnant with her master's child which was not her choice, and then resented and rejected for it. She ended up fleeing into the desert alone. Hagar knew about loneliness, rejection, facing an unknown future, and anxiety. (Genesis)
Job - He lost his wife and children, health, livestock, and wealth all through no wrong doing of his own. The Bible says that he loathed his very life and felt bitter. He even had painful sores on his feet to the crown of his head. Job knew despair, grief and loss, judgement and criticism from friends; physical pain, and poverty. (Job)
Paul - He was imprisoned, whipped, beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, homeless, hungry, pursued by enemies, naked, and sleepless. He knew great physical pain, loneliness, fear, oppression and exhaustion. Paul felt what it was to walk alone and carry great burdens. (2 Corinthians) 

There are many others from the Bible acquainted with suffering for a myriad of reasons. None of it was pretty or neat. In fact, if you were to take the above five followers of Christ and were made privy to their private suffering, you would've seen raw pain at it's height. You would've heard moaning and crying, smelled blood and disease, seen wringing hands and heads down, and felt despair reaching out for you.

And, then comes Jesus Christ. In the Garden of Gethsemane His agony was great as He tells His friends, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death" (Matthew 26 and Mark 14) and later His body was so overcome by traumatic stress that He actually sweat drops of blood, a condition called hematidrosis which can lead to death. Of course, we know it didn't end there. Jesus went on to suffer a horrific death for us, experiencing firsthand every kind of evil known to man as well as every sorrow in order that we could be set free and spend our eternal life with Him! It was an ugly mess of the worst kind resulting in the biggest and brightest redemptive victory to date. A Risen Savior. Hallelujah!

What I want to say to those of you walking in pain is that you don't have to run for cover and hide. You don't have to fit your experience into a neat box.  You don't have to live up to what you see displayed because remember, it's not the whole story. Your pain is valid and real and some days it might knock the wind out of you. It might bring you to your knees and make you feel "overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." Wait, who said that, again? Jesus did - our Savior who is well acquainted with all of our suffering!

Sometimes, the more hard pressed we are and the deeper our sorrow, the more bitter we feel. The cries of our heart reflect gut wrenching fury. We feel betrayed and rejected by God. There is no end to the revolving dead we feel inside. We secretly begin to resent the scripture quoting well wishers. We  become consumed by our circumstances, fumbling in the dark, cursing under our breath, longing for a reprieve, blaming God and finding something to dislike about anyone who seems to have it all together. We are miserable and exhausted. We know this isn't the way so self-loathing comes knocking and we let him in. But, that kind of company wounds us further and creates a really lonely place in our life. That place is where pretty much all Christians have been, now, and a few thousand years ago. We might have smart phones and airplanes today, but our heart and soul experiences match the same as our brothers and sisters who lived before Jesus walked the earth. Pain is universal and stands the test of time. Fortunately, so does God's LOVE and I'll bet on the power of His love to overcome our pain any day.

This can happen swiftly but more times than not we are going to grapple in our pain. We will fall down hard, grieve, and wipe tears away. We will wrestle. We will HURT. We will sin. We will feel that we cannot take anymore. 

Above, I mentioned the sorrow of five precious people from the Bible. Every one of them was in a mess and if we could follow them throughout their lives, they probably had many messes just like us. But, what did they do? All but Hagar SOUGHT the Lord as they were, WHERE they were - from a cave, temple, dust and ashes; and prison. Think about that. They weren't sitting in church in their Sunday best, arms raised, dabbing at a few stray tears. With Hagar, God sought her out in the desert by sending an angel who called her by name. God will lovingly take our pursuit of Him from anywhere and He will also have zero qualms about pursuing us right into the most lifeless of places, like a desert. He is THAT kind of Father. 

You may liken yourself to these real life people from the Bible. You may liken yourself to the very human sorrow that Jesus felt. Isaiah 53: 3 describes Jesus as "despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief." You are not so "out there" after all.

The key is to move forward and upward. Circumstances may or may not change, but the depths of you will as you encounter God in ways you never knew possible. It is not made up that some of the truest treasure in life is found on our knees with empty hands and hearts broken. Psalm 61:2 says, "From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety." When Jesus meets us there, there is nothing like it because there is NO ONE like Him. Our pain isn't wasted. Our tears aren't ignored. His promises stand. We don't have to run for cover EVER from Him. He IS our covering and safe place.

The journey will be filled with bumps. Bitterness and doubt may creep in but they don't have to stay. Grief may come in unexpected waves but you're not going to drown. You may find yourself lonely but never alone. You have power and authority in Christ and you should start exercising it. You also have the ability and invitation to rest in the Lord. He welcomes you with open arms, all the time. 

This isn't about happy endings. Our happy ending is in heaven some day when we get to be in the place God has already prepared for us. This is about real life. This about partnering with Christ through thick and thin and being honest with Him. Go ahead. Give Him your pain and any other pieces you've got hidden. Set it before Him and let Him work out His love in your life. He is THAT kind of Father.

Held

The raindrops fall outside my window and the wind blows. I feel nothing but weight and fatigue, pajamas on since 4:30pm, numb, and my legs hurt. Everything is an effort. At times I feel a physical pain that has me cry with no sound or tears. It lasts seconds and then passes. I walk down the hallway in bare feet in this solemn large tomb that feels like an expanse of empty space. Same track. Set a dirty dish on the counter because I can't bring myself to wash it. More ice for my glass and back to the comfort of my solitary nothing and rain drops. My books sit unopened and the endless chatter of the tv is off. I stare off too tired to think. I couldn't have foreseen this. What if what was is never again like sand through my fingers. A life that was light and warm. Those good ole days. And now a safe corner to find will only be inside myself. And, I cower from the ones who can't see you in this, Lord. I cower and hide, too afraid and tired to deal. Voices in my head and trying to find yours. I long for comfort and release. Give it to me, now. All I can do is sit underneath your radiance with nothing to offer you. What will you do with me? Even my hands feel heavy. Tears fall and I feel nothing but complete and total sadness and defeat. Every thought brings another loss to mind. Even my daughter will be gone. Everyone else is together tonight. I'm just a small sideline. I can try and try and be and be and in the end what will it have mattered. I can't even cry out to you because crying takes too much energy. 
But, in the middle of me deep inside you burn and you move out into my limbs just enough to get me to sit up. My mind begins to move apart from the lethargy of my body and I know I need to speak to you so I do. And, I pray and I pray and the tears fall as you hear my heart. You say it isn't as it feels and somehow I know you speak the truth. I see the good you have ahead Lord, but I feel what I'm in now. I need you now. 
And, now I know what it is to be held. Because for once, there is nothing expected, not by me, not by you, not by anyone. I don't have to do anything. And I lie in numbness as you pick me up and all I have to do is be. My glorious God who shelters me. I don't even have to think. I'm at the end of myself tonight but there is no pause as you carry me to rest in the shelter of your wings where no harm can befall me. I can rest and sleep as your power infuses me and love gives me strength. Grief comes at night but joy comes in the morning. How I love you, Lord. Always and forever. 

Search My Heart So I Can Give It

This morning I was thinking about what, as followers of Christ, we are offering to those broken and hurting. What sort of message. As a collective church, are our pews safe? Are the conversations in staff offices the kind that Jesus can be present at? Are our phone conversations, Bible studies, lunches, Facebook posts and hastily sent emails and texts representative of Christ? I cringe as I think of how I've messed up in this, even recently. Is church the place we run to or from when we are faced with crisis? 

About a year ago I met with a young pastor at Starbucks who wanted to talk with me about an outreach position at his church. I told him outreach wasn't something we do. It is something we live and breathe. It is a mindset that says, I am not here for myself. He asked how I thought he could cultivate that in his congregation. (Oh shoot, nothing like being put on the spot and feeling like I had to give the profound answer of the year) I thought about it for a second, and told him I thought it could only begin with the individual acknowledgement of our own brokenness. I don't know who was more surprised with what came out of my mouth, him or me. (And, how the heck is that taught to a congregation?) I went on to explain that my desire to make a difference in the lives of those hurting came from my own deep hurts, trials, and God's grace.

If you think about the ones in your path who are making the most impact, having the most positive influence, taking the most risks, and loving the hardest, it is usually those who have been or are currently in the bloodiest battles. They are typically the ones keenly aware of their own sin and shortcomings, the ones who have sat in the dark clawing at the door, the ones who have lost, the ones who have failed, the ones who have faced public shame, the ones who have curled up head down only to look upward and grasp the hand of Jesus. They know what saving FEELS like. We all tend to love those kinds of people and we gravitate toward them. There is something they exude that the rest don't. It's like they contain some sort of secret, which in fact, they do. 

We've been around the ones who try and God bless them for trying, but it's like the difference between the store bought apple pie from Jewel and great grandma's recipe perfected by burnt crusts, broken dishes, sweat, and love. Give me grandma. Let me BE grandma.

We don't cultivate an environment that unchurched (not sure I even like that word) and those crying from deep within want to be in without taking a good, hard look at ourselves, first. "Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." (Psalm 139: 23-24) For me, this has got to be my LEAST favorite thing to pray. Please, don't make me ask God to point any of this out to me. Please, NO. Okay, maybe He can point out one or two little tiny things, but nothing big. I like having my head in the sand. But, do I? 

Some of my most intimate moments with God have been during those times I have FELT His saving grace and forgiveness. It is when I have come to Him as nobody else has seen, and FELT His love for me, anyway. "There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1) Those times have healed me time and again. 

To be blunt, we need to get our heads out of the sand and get real with God about where we've been and who we are if we want to make any real impact with the world. Not once, not twice, but it needs to be an ongoing heart search with Jesus. I suppose I could talk about this for a while. I know there are so many factors that can make this part painful, so if you've never done it (and I mean REALLY done it), start slow. God is trustworthy. 

There is nothing more of a turn off than people who have been in the slumps, gotten out, and suddenly think they are the authority and judge of others who are still "there." It's especially hurtful and not very fruitful. It's like a vital piece in their being-able-to-stand-again never took place. In some way, form and fashion, we all live "there" until heaven. The ones who have truly felt the pain and the shame, and who have truly felt the grace of God seep into their bones, are the ones who remain humble because they remember. They KNOW. They live in God's grace daily.

I talk a lot about feeling. It's one thing to know you've been forgiven, saved, hugged and loved but it is another to actually experience the tenderness of Jesus wrapped around you. To know that He sees those dark places and still looks at you with love in His eyes. Wow. We'll never experience unconditional love like we will from our Abba Father. To experience it, is to definitely want to give it to others without wanting a thing in return. THAT is what will give us a heart to reach out. THAT is what will make someone want to come sit in our pew. THAT will begin to better guide our decisions, ministries, and keep our closed door discussions in line with Christ. THAT will actually help us see beyond the skin of the people in line at the grocery store, next to us at a desk, and our partner sitting across the kitchen table. 

We have to be authentic because superficial can be spotted from a mile away. The world contains professional "spotters" if you will. They are waiting for it. They expect it. People who are hurting are already vulnerable and suspicious. 

When we truly belong to Jesus Christ, we have no reason to fear authenticity with Him. He's unlike anyone else. He IS love. Get before Him today and share your heart. Watch how God will take that experience into the life of someone else who needs what you were just given.