Held

The raindrops fall outside my window and the wind blows. I feel nothing but weight and fatigue, pajamas on since 4:30pm, numb, and my legs hurt. Everything is an effort. At times I feel a physical pain that has me cry with no sound or tears. It lasts seconds and then passes. I walk down the hallway in bare feet in this solemn large tomb that feels like an expanse of empty space. Same track. Set a dirty dish on the counter because I can't bring myself to wash it. More ice for my glass and back to the comfort of my solitary nothing and rain drops. My books sit unopened and the endless chatter of the tv is off. I stare off too tired to think. I couldn't have foreseen this. What if what was is never again like sand through my fingers. A life that was light and warm. Those good ole days. And now a safe corner to find will only be inside myself. And, I cower from the ones who can't see you in this, Lord. I cower and hide, too afraid and tired to deal. Voices in my head and trying to find yours. I long for comfort and release. Give it to me, now. All I can do is sit underneath your radiance with nothing to offer you. What will you do with me? Even my hands feel heavy. Tears fall and I feel nothing but complete and total sadness and defeat. Every thought brings another loss to mind. Even my daughter will be gone. Everyone else is together tonight. I'm just a small sideline. I can try and try and be and be and in the end what will it have mattered. I can't even cry out to you because crying takes too much energy. 
But, in the middle of me deep inside you burn and you move out into my limbs just enough to get me to sit up. My mind begins to move apart from the lethargy of my body and I know I need to speak to you so I do. And, I pray and I pray and the tears fall as you hear my heart. You say it isn't as it feels and somehow I know you speak the truth. I see the good you have ahead Lord, but I feel what I'm in now. I need you now. 
And, now I know what it is to be held. Because for once, there is nothing expected, not by me, not by you, not by anyone. I don't have to do anything. And I lie in numbness as you pick me up and all I have to do is be. My glorious God who shelters me. I don't even have to think. I'm at the end of myself tonight but there is no pause as you carry me to rest in the shelter of your wings where no harm can befall me. I can rest and sleep as your power infuses me and love gives me strength. Grief comes at night but joy comes in the morning. How I love you, Lord. Always and forever.