The raindrops fall outside my window and the wind blows. I feel nothing but weight and fatigue, pajamas on since 4:30pm, numb, and my legs hurt. Everything is an effort. At times I feel a physical pain that has me cry with no sound or tears. It lasts seconds and then passes. I walk down the hallway in bare feet in this solemn large tomb that feels like an expanse of empty space. Same track. Set a dirty dish on the counter because I can't bring myself to wash it. More ice for my glass and back to the comfort of my solitary nothing and rain drops. My books sit unopened and the endless chatter of the tv is off. I stare off too tired to think. I couldn't have foreseen this. What if what was is never again like sand through my fingers. A life that was light and warm. Those good ole days. And now a safe corner to find will only be inside myself. And, I cower from the ones who can't see you in this, Lord. I cower and hide, too afraid and tired to deal. Voices in my head and trying to find yours. I long for comfort and release. Give it to me, now. All I can do is sit underneath your radiance with nothing to offer you. What will you do with me? Even my hands feel heavy. Tears fall and I feel nothing but complete and total sadness and defeat. Every thought brings another loss to mind. Even my daughter will be gone. Everyone else is together tonight. I'm just a small sideline. I can try and try and be and be and in the end what will it have mattered. I can't even cry out to you because crying takes too much energy.
But, in the middle of me deep inside you burn and you move out into my limbs just enough to get me to sit up. My mind begins to move apart from the lethargy of my body and I know I need to speak to you so I do. And, I pray and I pray and the tears fall as you hear my heart. You say it isn't as it feels and somehow I know you speak the truth. I see the good you have ahead Lord, but I feel what I'm in now. I need you now.
And, now I know what it is to be held. Because for once, there is nothing expected, not by me, not by you, not by anyone. I don't have to do anything. And I lie in numbness as you pick me up and all I have to do is be. My glorious God who shelters me. I don't even have to think. I'm at the end of myself tonight but there is no pause as you carry me to rest in the shelter of your wings where no harm can befall me. I can rest and sleep as your power infuses me and love gives me strength. Grief comes at night but joy comes in the morning. How I love you, Lord. Always and forever.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
Sunday, March 3, 2019
Search My Heart So I Can Give It
This morning I was thinking about what, as followers of Christ, we are offering to those broken and hurting. What sort of message. As a collective church, are our pews safe? Are the conversations in staff offices the kind that Jesus can be present at? Are our phone conversations, Bible studies, lunches, Facebook posts and hastily sent emails and texts representative of Christ? I cringe as I think of how I've messed up in this, even recently. Is church the place we run to or from when we are faced with crisis?
About a year ago I met with a young pastor at Starbucks who wanted to talk with me about an outreach position at his church. I told him outreach wasn't something we do. It is something we live and breathe. It is a mindset that says, I am not here for myself. He asked how I thought he could cultivate that in his congregation. (Oh shoot, nothing like being put on the spot and feeling like I had to give the profound answer of the year) I thought about it for a second, and told him I thought it could only begin with the individual acknowledgement of our own brokenness. I don't know who was more surprised with what came out of my mouth, him or me. (And, how the heck is that taught to a congregation?) I went on to explain that my desire to make a difference in the lives of those hurting came from my own deep hurts, trials, and God's grace.
If you think about the ones in your path who are making the most impact, having the most positive influence, taking the most risks, and loving the hardest, it is usually those who have been or are currently in the bloodiest battles. They are typically the ones keenly aware of their own sin and shortcomings, the ones who have sat in the dark clawing at the door, the ones who have lost, the ones who have failed, the ones who have faced public shame, the ones who have curled up head down only to look upward and grasp the hand of Jesus. They know what saving FEELS like. We all tend to love those kinds of people and we gravitate toward them. There is something they exude that the rest don't. It's like they contain some sort of secret, which in fact, they do.
We've been around the ones who try and God bless them for trying, but it's like the difference between the store bought apple pie from Jewel and great grandma's recipe perfected by burnt crusts, broken dishes, sweat, and love. Give me grandma. Let me BE grandma.
We don't cultivate an environment that unchurched (not sure I even like that word) and those crying from deep within want to be in without taking a good, hard look at ourselves, first. "Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." (Psalm 139: 23-24) For me, this has got to be my LEAST favorite thing to pray. Please, don't make me ask God to point any of this out to me. Please, NO. Okay, maybe He can point out one or two little tiny things, but nothing big. I like having my head in the sand. But, do I?
Some of my most intimate moments with God have been during those times I have FELT His saving grace and forgiveness. It is when I have come to Him as nobody else has seen, and FELT His love for me, anyway. "There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1) Those times have healed me time and again.
To be blunt, we need to get our heads out of the sand and get real with God about where we've been and who we are if we want to make any real impact with the world. Not once, not twice, but it needs to be an ongoing heart search with Jesus. I suppose I could talk about this for a while. I know there are so many factors that can make this part painful, so if you've never done it (and I mean REALLY done it), start slow. God is trustworthy.
There is nothing more of a turn off than people who have been in the slumps, gotten out, and suddenly think they are the authority and judge of others who are still "there." It's especially hurtful and not very fruitful. It's like a vital piece in their being-able-to-stand-again never took place. In some way, form and fashion, we all live "there" until heaven. The ones who have truly felt the pain and the shame, and who have truly felt the grace of God seep into their bones, are the ones who remain humble because they remember. They KNOW. They live in God's grace daily.
I talk a lot about feeling. It's one thing to know you've been forgiven, saved, hugged and loved but it is another to actually experience the tenderness of Jesus wrapped around you. To know that He sees those dark places and still looks at you with love in His eyes. Wow. We'll never experience unconditional love like we will from our Abba Father. To experience it, is to definitely want to give it to others without wanting a thing in return. THAT is what will give us a heart to reach out. THAT is what will make someone want to come sit in our pew. THAT will begin to better guide our decisions, ministries, and keep our closed door discussions in line with Christ. THAT will actually help us see beyond the skin of the people in line at the grocery store, next to us at a desk, and our partner sitting across the kitchen table.
We have to be authentic because superficial can be spotted from a mile away. The world contains professional "spotters" if you will. They are waiting for it. They expect it. People who are hurting are already vulnerable and suspicious.
When we truly belong to Jesus Christ, we have no reason to fear authenticity with Him. He's unlike anyone else. He IS love. Get before Him today and share your heart. Watch how God will take that experience into the life of someone else who needs what you were just given.
About a year ago I met with a young pastor at Starbucks who wanted to talk with me about an outreach position at his church. I told him outreach wasn't something we do. It is something we live and breathe. It is a mindset that says, I am not here for myself. He asked how I thought he could cultivate that in his congregation. (Oh shoot, nothing like being put on the spot and feeling like I had to give the profound answer of the year) I thought about it for a second, and told him I thought it could only begin with the individual acknowledgement of our own brokenness. I don't know who was more surprised with what came out of my mouth, him or me. (And, how the heck is that taught to a congregation?) I went on to explain that my desire to make a difference in the lives of those hurting came from my own deep hurts, trials, and God's grace.
If you think about the ones in your path who are making the most impact, having the most positive influence, taking the most risks, and loving the hardest, it is usually those who have been or are currently in the bloodiest battles. They are typically the ones keenly aware of their own sin and shortcomings, the ones who have sat in the dark clawing at the door, the ones who have lost, the ones who have failed, the ones who have faced public shame, the ones who have curled up head down only to look upward and grasp the hand of Jesus. They know what saving FEELS like. We all tend to love those kinds of people and we gravitate toward them. There is something they exude that the rest don't. It's like they contain some sort of secret, which in fact, they do.
We've been around the ones who try and God bless them for trying, but it's like the difference between the store bought apple pie from Jewel and great grandma's recipe perfected by burnt crusts, broken dishes, sweat, and love. Give me grandma. Let me BE grandma.
We don't cultivate an environment that unchurched (not sure I even like that word) and those crying from deep within want to be in without taking a good, hard look at ourselves, first. "Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." (Psalm 139: 23-24) For me, this has got to be my LEAST favorite thing to pray. Please, don't make me ask God to point any of this out to me. Please, NO. Okay, maybe He can point out one or two little tiny things, but nothing big. I like having my head in the sand. But, do I?
Some of my most intimate moments with God have been during those times I have FELT His saving grace and forgiveness. It is when I have come to Him as nobody else has seen, and FELT His love for me, anyway. "There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1) Those times have healed me time and again.
To be blunt, we need to get our heads out of the sand and get real with God about where we've been and who we are if we want to make any real impact with the world. Not once, not twice, but it needs to be an ongoing heart search with Jesus. I suppose I could talk about this for a while. I know there are so many factors that can make this part painful, so if you've never done it (and I mean REALLY done it), start slow. God is trustworthy.
There is nothing more of a turn off than people who have been in the slumps, gotten out, and suddenly think they are the authority and judge of others who are still "there." It's especially hurtful and not very fruitful. It's like a vital piece in their being-able-to-stand-again never took place. In some way, form and fashion, we all live "there" until heaven. The ones who have truly felt the pain and the shame, and who have truly felt the grace of God seep into their bones, are the ones who remain humble because they remember. They KNOW. They live in God's grace daily.
I talk a lot about feeling. It's one thing to know you've been forgiven, saved, hugged and loved but it is another to actually experience the tenderness of Jesus wrapped around you. To know that He sees those dark places and still looks at you with love in His eyes. Wow. We'll never experience unconditional love like we will from our Abba Father. To experience it, is to definitely want to give it to others without wanting a thing in return. THAT is what will give us a heart to reach out. THAT is what will make someone want to come sit in our pew. THAT will begin to better guide our decisions, ministries, and keep our closed door discussions in line with Christ. THAT will actually help us see beyond the skin of the people in line at the grocery store, next to us at a desk, and our partner sitting across the kitchen table.
We have to be authentic because superficial can be spotted from a mile away. The world contains professional "spotters" if you will. They are waiting for it. They expect it. People who are hurting are already vulnerable and suspicious.
When we truly belong to Jesus Christ, we have no reason to fear authenticity with Him. He's unlike anyone else. He IS love. Get before Him today and share your heart. Watch how God will take that experience into the life of someone else who needs what you were just given.
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