Divine Anesthesia

In the late morning of July 29, I had just gotten to my car after running errands when my phone rang. It was the nurse calling from the doctor's office and I assumed she had the results of the biopsy I had done the week prior. I got a pit in my lower stomach as I answered and then I got the news we had been praying against for the last weeks. I had breast cancer. I listened and felt numb as I jotted down on a piece of scrap paper the details. It all felt surreal. 2019 had already proven to be challenging and this news felt like the continuation of crashing waves during high winds. Yet, something was different about this. The water pooled at my ankles and I could see the storm. I understood it to be significant on an intellectual level, but my body did not feel deterred. The burden was there but it felt LIGHT.
I admit to the feeling of panic and dread when I first realized something wasn't right weeks prior. I started thinking about Jason and him being alone. I thought about my Bible and who should have it. My wedding ring. The holiday decorations in the attic. Letters I wanted to write. The kids' weddings. And other, more random and weird stuff. I thought about my death because that is right where your mind goes when you find a lump in your breast that shouldn't be there. But, as soon as the ball got rolling and I went to that first doctor's appointment, there was zero doubt in my mind that Jesus was holding and protecting me.
You need to understand that I don't go to doctors and I don't take medication. No one in my family does. By the grace of God, that has not been a part of my life. So, this was a big deal. Not just the lump, but going to a doctor. Even FINDING a doctor took me some time. When I walked in, the receptionist referred to me as "honey" but not in a condescending way. It was in a grandmotherly, kind and concerned way. She advocated for me right away after that exam and found me a place to go for the mammogram and ultrasound. She even called to tell me "not to worry about a thing." It was like Jesus was speaking right through her to me.
The women who took care of me for ALL of the subsequent tests were angels. True angels who made me feel comfortable and cared for. And, then I met the breast surgeon and her nurse and once again, I KNEW the Lord's hand was in this provision as well.
But, it wasn't just my healthcare. I was walking in a sphere that was protected and provided by the Lord like I had NEVER experienced in my life. I had peace. Peace in the night. In the morning. At work. With Jason. With my kids. PEACE. Like one friend so perfectly put it - "Divine Anesthesia." I don't recall asking for it. I didn't try to muster it up. I didn't work for it. I just had it. I moved through appointment after appointment. I moved through waiting for one phone call with test results and then another. I prayed daily that every cell in my body would stand up and give God praise. I never once claimed the cancer. I didn't say "my" cancer. It was "the" cancer and it did not belong in my body. I prayed in the name of Jesus for healing all the time. Others prayed the same way. I even had a prayer meeting at my house where I was anointed with oil and prayed over. I did what I could. And, sometimes I did cry. Sometimes, I did feel afraid. Tired. Lonely. And, my mind would wander to "what if." I thought about ministry and if I would be able to continue. I thought about chemo. Losing my hair. Being sick. How this would affect my ability to work. It was an odd feeling to know that I was walking around with cancer inside of me. I thought about a lot of things. I even distinctly remember sitting on my deck one afternoon and being mindful of everything that I could hear. Distant voices. Cars. Wind. Birds. Everything felt extra precious and meaningful. The simple and mundane became purposeful.
This had nothing however, to do with me or what I did or didn't do. I am nothing apart from God and that is the truth. I have prayed for certain circumstances and not seen any change. I've had my heart broken. I've struggled with fear and worry way too much. I have been in the pit just like everyone else. We all have a story. This just happens to be part of mine. I don't speak for anyone other than myself and I certainly don't speak for anyone else's experience with cancer or other health struggle.
On September 17 I had the tumor and a few lymph nodes removed. The surgeon was able to remove the whole tumor and get a clean margin around it. My lymph nodes also came back clear. However, on October 1, I had to go in for a second surgery to expand the clean margin around one area. That also came back clear and as of today, praise the Lord, I am cancer free! I am meeting with two oncologists next week to discuss radiation and hormone treatments. I will walk in having done my research, advocating for myself, and trusting God. I already know that I do NOT need chemo and for that I give God praise.
I don't have answers as to why I have been carried so thoroughly through this experience or why the results came back so good. Why can we have multiple areas of grief in our life and in some areas experience profound peace, and in other areas the struggle is very real? It is not because God only attends to certain pieces. That, I do know. Anything that concerns us, concerns Him. I believe there are facets to situations we just can't see or understand. God tells us that our ways are not His ways (Isaiah 55:8). He also tells us not to lean on our own understanding of things (Proverbs 3:5). Some things we may never really understand and other times understanding comes with time. I don't believe we are always called to understand, anyway. I think we love, trust, and obey God even when we cannot see a thing.
But, I am here to say that peace that passes understanding is very real. "Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7 
My heart and mind have been guarded by my PROTECTOR, Jesus Christ. There is no human explanation for how I have been carried through this experience. I trust the Lord will continue to bring me through the radiation treatments as well. I don't know much about tomorrow, or next week, month or year. But, I definitely know that my love for God bursts from within me. I continue to fall more in love with Him over time. Even as my life brings hurt, and I fall, fail miserably, grow weary, impatient and disheartened, the love I have for God propels me forward. But, even more than that is the love God has for me and for you. It FILLS us with unthinkable power. Power to heal. Power to change. Power to forgive. Power to be comforted. Power to love. Power to rest. Power to do more. We could read over 100 self-help books by prolific genius authors, listen to TED talks, attend seminars, sit in a therapist's office, and try out the latest great life improvement (all good and helpful) and NONE of it will touch the power of Christ. None of it will bring you peace like He can. I will stand on that and proclaim it until I take my last breath. There is NO ONE and NOTHING like Him in all the universe.
I thank Him all the time about the peace I've had in regard to the cancer. I didn't earn that peace. I didn't perform for it. I just had it. It just - was. It just - is. It has helped me in other areas of my life as well. When I feel afraid, I recall and feel the peace I have about my health and it steadies me. It reminds me again of God's presence and His faithfulness. You can do the same. With all the thoughts that go flying through your head, here is one to pause on: remember a time when God gave you peace whether it was in a specific situation and/or in a certain place. Stop there and remember. Feel what it felt like. Let the memory wash over you and thank God for that time and trust Him for the now.
God is kind. He is a tender to our wounds. He is a picker-upper. He is the wings under which we find refuge and fall asleep at night. He is God Almighty.