This is the scripture the Holy Spirit led me to early this morning. I didn't really feel like focusing or getting into anything deep. I didn't feel like feeling, either. My mind was being pulled to day dream, coast, and zone out. But, I had read something wise last night about paying attention to our thoughts and looking at whether or not they are leading us to who we want to be. So, I reigned it in and asked the Spirit to help me understand His message to me from Mark.
I ended up having razor focus. I also ended up bawling so yeah, I FELT as well.
I have often wondered about Judas. Part of me has felt sorry for him, especially after he realized what he had done. He had to have been profoundly tormented. Another part of me has puzzled at how he could've completely missed Jesus - His friendship, His heart, His message, His love, the Messiah. Luke 22:3 talks about Satan entering Judas right before he went to the chief priests and the officers of the temple guard. Maybe Judas started out "right" like we usually do. But, maybe over time he saw an opportunity to push his own agenda and each day the door widened a crack for the enemy to slither in. Again, just like us. Maybe he was torn at times. Maybe he looked upon Jesus with affection after their long days together as they sat lounging and eating. Maybe he shared in Jesus's laughter and even received pieces of His love here and there. Maybe he liked that sense of belonging, brotherhood, and mission when he lay his head down at night. Who knows what aching voids Judas had in his heart and mind? Somehow though, the bigger driving force was a rebellious spirit and choice to follow his own desires. And, yet. AND YET, Jesus still chose him, believed in him, and LOVED him.
THAT is the piece that got to me this morning and made me cry. As I thought on this man, Judas, I couldn't decide which pulled at my heart more, Judas's betrayal of Jesus or Jesus's love for Judas? I had to sit in it for a while.
William Barclay writes,"The essence of sin is pride; the core of sin is independence; the heart of sin is the desire to do what we like and not what God likes. That is what the devil, satan, the evil one stands for. He stands for everything which is against God and will not bow to him. That is the spirit which was incarnate in Judas. We shudder at Judas. But let us think again - covetousness, jealousy, ambition, the dominant desire to have our own way of things. Are we so very different? These are the things which made Judas betray Jesus, and these are the things which still make men betray him."
Granted, Judas's betrayal was predicted by Jesus a few times and it was predicted in the Old Testament as well. Let me insert here that I am NOT a theologian, but we do know that Jesus being betrayed, arrested, so-called tried, murdered, and powerful enough to conquer death, were predicted and would happen (thank you, Jesus). I don't know that it had to be Judas, though. The betrayal could've come from anyone and one of the most heartbreaking pieces of this, is that Judas fell headlong into the snare of the enemy. He became disillusioned and puffed up in his own mind. This man who walked, talked, ate, cried, laughed, slept and ministered with Jesus, quite literally lost his mind and gave up LIFE for death. And, all for what? An empty ILLUSION that he could be his own king and master. How Jesus must've grieved for His friend on the inside. Jesus was there, IN THE FLESH even, offering everything and more that Judas needed and longed for. But, he gave it up because the vision he had of his future was a lie; a cleverly placed lie by the father of all lies. For reasons we can't know, Judas bought it, breathed it, bathed in it, defended it, and ultimately died in the stench of it. What a heartbreaking waste.
As you may recall, Peter, another one of Jesus's disciples, betrayed Him as well. Judas betrayed Jesus over money and aspiration (at least on the surface) and Peter betrayed Jesus because he feared for his life. We can probably sympathize more with Peter, can't we? I can, anyway. Who wants to be killed? The point has to remain however, that both betrayed Jesus. The bigger point is that Jesus loved both men equally. He chose both of them and had plans for each. He was going to hang on a cross for both of them. Really, how Jesus must've loved these two is probably more than we can wrap our heads around. From the way they laughed, how they ate and slept, the kind of banter they engaged in, the deep fears and insecurities they harbored, the bravery they showed, the wondering of their future, to the very callouses on their hands - Jesus loved their very being. But, only one came to a place of remorse and cried over what he had done. After Peter's denial he heard the rooster crow and remembered Jesus's word to him predicting his denial. The Bible says that Jesus looked "straight at Peter." Oh man, I can only imagine how that must've felt for Peter AND Jesus. It was a moment between two hurting men who were intimate friends, and also a moment between a supernatural, holy, and loving God and His child. Luke 22:62 says that Peter then went outside and "wept bitterly." I believe that it was in this act of remorseful weeping that Peter began to be set free and become even more of the dear man that Jesus loved - impulsive, charismatic, creative, head strong, courageous, funny and energetic among other things. He didn't become stifled or oppressed. He became even MORE! Jesus forgave him and we know that he was specifically commissioned by Him to "feed His lambs and take care of His sheep" (John 21:15 & 16) He matured and became part of Jesus's inner circle. Others looked up to him and he grew in his ability to lead empowered by the Lord.
It's amazing what God can do with us when we get to the end of ourselves - when we weep bitterly with nothing left but a couple of empty hands, weighted shoulders, and sickness in the pit of our stomach. As we pour out to Him all we have left, He begins to breathe life into all those empty corners. There is no life without His life and there is no life LIKE His life.
How sad for Judas. He became despairing of life. He was entangled in poisonous weeds of evil that satan gleefully choked him with. He was controlled by a darkness that had crept in while he pursued his own disillusioned agenda. He had everything he needed right there with Jesus the whole time, but he couldn't see it. He didn't want to.The path before him appeared much bigger and had wonderful promises for him. But, what he didn't know was that just around the bend was nothing but the promise of decay.
Before we get sanctimonious as we look at Judas with disdain and applaud dumb Peter as finally getting it together, we need to pause. Let's look at these two men. Some of us will look just like Judas in all his miserable splendor. We just can't hide it. It's glaring. Others of us have the ability to put the squeeze on Judas so much so that he fits in there right between the head and heart and occasionally oozes into our shoes. He's right there next to our Bible and praise music, but that agenda...don't mess with the Judas Agenda. That's first. Fear, greed, pride, power, lust, control, self-absorption, rebellion, hatred, and did I say pride? It's in all of us and so is our hot headed, all heart, friend, Peter. For all of his bunched up fisted courage, he still acted like he didn't know Jesus because he didn't want to get his butt kicked or worse. Suddenly, the bravado wavered just like ours most likely would with a gun to our head. But, maybe not. I can't speak for everyone.
Some of us used to be more like these men and are in the process of recovering and healing with Jesus. Others are walking these guys right now and betraying Jesus in lieu of our own pursuit. It could be little and small things. It could be that it's just today that got kind of off track. But, these things can be insidious and we need to be on guard.
Judas and Peter show us how much we need Christ. They probably started out somewhat similar in that they were excited to be with Jesus and see where it would all lead. Neither one quite got it but they did understand that there was something about this man named Jesus that was extra special. I'm trying to picture these guys in my mind and I can just feel how much Jesus loved both of them.
But, you know how the story played out and in it is a lesson for us. We are not without sin, not a one of us. We are not beyond getting entangled in a dark mess. We need to stay vigilant and the Bible tells us how to do that. The enemy is real and intent on destroying us. He WILL make us believe things that are downright lies. He will attack us when we are not watching and he will go for the HEART and then attack the MIND. Jesus never leaves us to our own devices. Jesus never leaves us, period. When we mess up we need to get on our knees. It's there where I have found Jesus to be most real. He will NOT slap us around for what we have done wrong. He will not condemn or harbor a grudge. He will LOVE. He will ooze with love. He will pour it over you and into you. He will free you like He did Peter. He will forgive. I would daresay there are Christians who have never once been on their knees (number one), who have never FELT remorse and confessed sin (number two), and have never, EVER, truly EXPERIENCED the cleansing, soul lifting, balm-to-wound, freeing, healing, love and forgiveness of Jesus (number three). What a tragedy! For real! Please don't be afraid. Get on your knees and confess and surrender it all. Jesus died for this. Jesus died for YOU.
I love how Jesus redeemed Peter's life and all that Peter came to do and be. May you be encouraged and know that freedom from the sin that entangles us is what Jesus is all about. Go to Him.
You can do it.
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