Something I have contemplated a lot over the last year is the absolute benefit and treasure of solitude. There are many pieces to this and there is no doubt that a fine line exists between loneliness and solitude. They will intersect, blend, and then part ways. Many times over.
There is also a difference between solitude and isolation. While these also may intersect at times, I feel that the line is more clearly drawn, at least for me. One most certainly heals and nourishes, while the other impedes such things.
In Luke 5:15 we read about how the news of Jesus was spreading, bringing crowds of people to come hear Him and be healed of their sicknesses. "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (verse 16). In the gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke we often read about Jesus walking along the lake or going into the mountainside to be alone and pray with His Father. He seemed to find great comfort and restoration in sitting and hiking in nature. The King of the universe SOUGHT solitude. He needed it. He was refreshed by it and His mind was cleared by it. He received direction during those quiet times that He probably wouldn't have gotten had He stayed in the crowd and loudness of the needs around Him.
The intimacy I have experienced with God over the last year has been something not previously matched. While admittedly it wasn't always by choice, God knew better than I what I needed. He did form me in my mother's womb and is aware of the number of hairs on my head. Maybe, He really does know me after all!
Numerous hours of solitude for me were spent propped up in bed with my pillows, coffee, bifocals, and surrounded by books and my laptop. And yes, my Bible. If possible my window was open so I could hear nature, including birds and the wind. Other times were spent on long walks feeling the sun on my face and the wind in my hair while stopping to take photographs of framed images God gave me. I went to the beach by myself many times and enjoyed the long car rides with the windows open and the walks along the water looking for heart-shaped rocks. The fall and winter were really no different apart from the scenery and the crisp cold air. I even walked in the rain. I enjoyed numerous sunrises and sunsets and moments of pure adoration and love for God. I had little agenda and time constraints.
Those times of solitude were not always filled with peace and contentment, however. To say that crushing moments of loneliness did not intertwine those times, would do a disservice to the readers who deserve the truth from me - the kind of truth that I always pray will give hope and edification for you. No, there were times I retreated within the solitary spaces to even tinier spaces that only held room for Jesus and I and the outpouring of my heartbreaking lament. That's the truth.
It was during the intersection of peace and joy and the backbreaking work of being molded under the Potter's hands, where I grew greater resiliency, a more full and assured knowledge of my true identity, the contentment of being alone, a maturity in Jesus Christ, and the Spirit-led knowledge of how to guard both the practice and space of solitude. It. Was. Not. Easy.
I have a social justice, mental health, merciful bent in me and I always have. In first grade I wanted to be a teacher and by middle school I was vice president of my class and decided I was going to work in an orphanage some day. Laugh out loud, I did neither although in some ways I do teach AND work with "orphans." Being on the front lines of mental health crises over the last 6 years as well as working in impoverished areas of the city for 8 years, and the internal work I was doing on my own emotional poverty, made friendships and social interactions more difficult for me. There were times when I felt guilty about that and down on myself, but those moments became less as God's affirmation of the season I was in grew stronger.
This past year I came to believe as a result of my personal experience, that solitude, and solitude with God, are what healed me most and made my mind more clear than at any other time in my life. I now know that the quieter I was, the better I could hear. The better I could hear, the better I could discern, and with discernment I gained wisdom from God.
I was able to discern when someone was not good for me even when by all outside appearances they appeared to be. I was guided by the Spirit to pray for things and people that humanly I could have known nothing about. I sensed danger and knew when someone spoke to me something not of God that on the surface sounded as if it was. I was pulled back from fires and had lies revealed to me before they had the power to ruin my day. I knew when to take a break and when to cut it off. I also knew when to pursue against all odds. I saw who and what it was that picked me up when I was slumped on the floor. I knew 'dead inside' to be revived by a few words on the pages of my Bible. I trudged tired and weak through a day only to be cradled at night in the arms of Jesus as I fell asleep under the shadow of His wings. I experienced, "joy comes in the morning." I knew the delight of laughing with God. I breathed in His majesty as I stood on the shore taking in the artwork of a sunset. I was good naturedly teased by God and felt His pleasure at seeing my pleasure. He shared his view of me as He looked down at the crown of my head. Yes, He did. More than once He showed me what He saw. And, not just an eyesight view. It was the felt experience view of the heart throbbing love my Father had for me, His girl grown woman.
It still is difficult (but, far less difficult with continued practice) to not explain myself to others. They are not living my life. They do not walk in my shoes. They are not living my season. God has unique classrooms for each of us and having spent much time in my particular classroom, I know that I can trust my instincts and judgment much better than had I spent the last year in lots of company and noise. Nothing has done for me like what this last year of solitude has done, pain and all.
I don't sense that this season is quite over but regardless of the season and because of what I have learned, I will be a seeker of solitude with the triune God til my last breath on earth. Take solace in your season, friend. Spend it with God, your mighty Counselor. Don't be afraid. Just do today. You are most dearly loved.
"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." Psalm 46:10
Dee M. Kostelyk
No comments:
Post a Comment