Yesterday, I accompanied a resident to court in regard to a restraining order. The courthouse is not my favorite place. In fact, I can't stand it there. The place always seems to be filled with fear and intimidation and if I'm not careful, I find it creeps into my pores. Cell phones weren't allowed so the two and a half hours I sat there felt long. Thankfully, I had thought to take a notebook and I had several devotionals in my purse. I ended up reading through a week's worth while I sat there and the contrast of the words with the atmosphere was sharp. My heart went out to the resident who went through waves of anxiety with legs shaking and eyes averted to the ground.
I had time to look around and hear several cases. For the hundredth time or more, I thought about how pain does not discriminate. There were men and women, young and old, different races, and different presentations; and lots of absentees. I imagine many a restraining order or stalking charge has been filed in the heat of the moment only to be reconsidered later, right or wrongly, once the heat died.
As I read through the devotionals, I stopped a few times and silently prayed, especially for the resident I was with. Her parents had met us and I could feel their unease at being there as well. I also felt the profound protection they had for their daughter. At one point, I could not look up because my eyes had welled with tears. I was overcome with emotion as I felt a deep humility and respect for all the places God had put me in service to Him. Front row seats to some of people's most private and sacred pain. Mess ups. Trauma. Failures. Grief and shame. Shattered dreams. Self harm wounds. Cries for relief by death. Health issues. Broken relationships. Secrets - so many secrets. Even literal suitcases of personal belongings. Addiction. Poverty of the soul and the bank account. No shoes. No home. Death. All bared open. It's absolutely humbling. And painful. Exhausting. But, all an honor because I KNOW God has me in the trenches with a power that is no way, shape or form my own. And because, He has comforted me more times than I can ever count. He has washed away my shame, been trustworthy with my secrets, and ministered to my broken heart. He's not afraid of any of it. He is in fact, very close to the broken-hearted and won't hesitate to walk inside darkness or filth for us. There is no stench too great. He'll climb all the stairs to find us. With tenderness He will pick us up from the floor and cradle us. He is our Jesus. Our living Savior.
So, I tried hard to keep my tears in check. And, God read my mind that I would do it all again and that I would continue going where and doing what He wanted me to. Blindly. Stumbling. Unsure. And willing. Not because of me, ALL because of HIM. Because to follow Him is treasure. Deep and unsearchable. Uncertain and winding, yes. Costly, yes. Painful, yes. But, joyous. Crazy joyous. Crazy, CRAZY joyous! And, I'm a brave coward in training. Make no mistake. That part is true. But, I'm getting trained by the BEST. The ONLY! And, when my feet slip on the track, He's there. And when the coward gets bigger than the brave, He's still there. May I run with perseverance the race God has set before me.
No matter your past or present, go and be used in the places God has put you. You're not alone. His power is made perfect in our weakness. His grace is sufficient.
Thanks so much!
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