Throw the Anchor Overboard!

I share this today with my husband's permission. On Friday, June 29th, my husband was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. For those not familiar with this, it is a temporary paralysis on one side of the face. It comes on suddenly and often resembles signs of a stroke. It was quite scary initially until we got the diagnosis. Full recovery almost always happens within weeks to several months. He is now going on almost 9 weeks. I would guess that his face is about 75% healed. Needless to say, it has been a rough summer. 

I am very proud of him for the attitude he has kept up through the last several weeks. It is very difficult to go out in public and work when one side of your face is drooping and your eye doesn't even shut on its own. He spent numerous nights going to bed with one eye taped shut in order to sleep and often had to paint with an eye patch on. Despite this, he went on as best as he was able to. He went to work, Church, ministry events, hosted a graduation party at our house, and even gave a personal testimony in front of a group of people at our Monday night Emotional Resilience class. He has been a trooper to say the least. Along with this illness has come incredible fatigue. He has had days where he could hardly put one foot in front of the other and often went to bed early. One day recently, he even slept for 16 hours. 

Discouragement and depression have also been a big part of this. Those of you who have suffered with this probably know what I'm talking about. And yet, by the grace of God, he has kept moving through. 

The last 9 months or so have been really difficult for him and for both of us. It somewhat began with the sudden loss of his mom right before Christmas. From there, we have had other challenges as well. I know we are not alone in this.

The reason I decided to write about this today is because lately I have been surrounded by many  stories of pain. I think sometimes it can feel as if the walls are closing in and it becomes easy to lose perspective. We can lose sight of who our amazing King of Kings is. And, we lose sight of who we are in Him.

I decided to come to one of my favorite spots this morning and that is Waterfall Glen Forest Preserve! As I type this, I am sitting on a large boulder right next to the waterfall. It is beautiful! There is a little chipmunk that I have been watching who keeps scurrying across the rocks and into the large crevices. Even that little creature knows his Master! I've got sunlight and clouds, different kinds of bees, butterflies, tiny minnows, the friendly chipmunk, lush greenery, and the sound of water falling. Is this not the perfect office for a tired writer?! Thank you, Jesus!

While I can say with certainty that this has not always been my attitude, and I do not know what next week will bring, the following is my AUTHENTIC (and imperfect) response to my circumstances:

Oh. My big, BIG God. When will it end? Will there be break through? Please don't turn from me. Will my breath be deep again? Will lightness return? Will progress always be impeded in the most sour way? Will I awake in the clear again? My God. I don't want to hurt you with my unbelief. You are the God of my life. You are the Light of my life.  You are truly the Love of my life. I trust you with all that I am and yet I doubt. I become so small and weak. I'm so afraid. And yet, I will stand on the mountain top and claim my love for you. I will claim your truth. I will walk like a brave Soldier and go wherever you call me. And I will cower in the corner with my head buried in my hands because I don't know where to go and I don't know what will happen. My God. My big, BIG God. You are Majestic. You are over all of creation - to all the ends of the universe. Your Glory has no boundaries. You created that vanilla colored moon that was in the sky last night. You spoke to me through that glorious circle of light. Most surely, you are beyond my comprehension, yet as real as the reflection of the trees I see in the water below me. My Lord, open my eyes. Let me see your hand appointed warriors that surround me. Let my circumstances pale in comparison to your brilliant power. Give me direction. And, let all that is real in my life shine forth, and all that is cleverly prettied up in lies be exposed for the shrivled pieces of weak garbage they actually are. 

Lord, I give praise to you, today. You have been so good to me all the days of my life. You have never, ever left me. You will never abandon me. I can do all things through You who give me strength. Your plans for me are good. You are giving me hope and a future. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and someday I will dwell in your house with you! And, there will be waterfalls, I just know it! And, no tears. Yes, no sadness, either. You can do more than I could ever dream or imagine. What is impossible for me is totally possible for you! Let me be a light shiner in this world. Use me, Lord. Equip me. Grow me. HEAL ME!!! Give me wisdom and courage.

Father, breathe life into Jason today. Bring swift healing and empower Him with your Spirit to be ALL you created him to be. Give him the deepest desires of his heart. Give us a testimony!

There is nothing more real than what Jesus has to say. What feels true, often isn't. We are not meant to sit in a small boat offshore that rocks wildly in the storm with no anchor. If that feels like your life today, then throw that anchor overboard and let it take hold in the muck. The sea might be calm or it may be rough. The sun may be out or there may be dark clouds above you. It might even be raining. But you can still sit in that boat, with your hands on your lap, and know that Jesus has got you. He may be sitting across from you on the little dented metal seat. Or, He may be just a little ways away standing on the water looking at you with a precious smile. I am positive that He is inviting you into His shelter, today. Go to Him!

His way is easy and light. ✝️

All The Pieces Of You

I felt like I needed to steal away just for a few hours this morning. I packed my beach bag and headed to Porter Beach in Indiana, by myself. It was a beautiful morning so I had all the windows open and my playlist blasting away on the drive. For that hour, I was no longer housekeeper, wife, mom, employee, or ministry leader. I wasn't headed toward 49 with an aching knee or gray roots needing to be touched up. I was just Dee, maybe around 22 years old, single, still living in the city and working an internship on the 19th floor of a high rise, in the heart of the Loop. I was COOL. Ahhhh....the good ole days! But, I laugh as I type this. Those were some great memories, but the truth is, I like where I'm at now, too .The car ride however, was fun!

But, earlier this morning, before I even left the house, I had some special moments with the Lord. Head in hands, I silently cried. I was struck by my own sin. How is that for a downer? What does that have to do with the beach, a playlist, and feeling young and free? Well, I'll get to that. 

Some things transpired late in the day yesterday that got me really thinking. What did Jesus do when He walked here on Earth? What was His life about? What mattered to Him? Who did He hang out with? I thought about these things and wondered if my heart has been like His. Has our ministry reflected His walk? What is meaningful to Jesus and is it  playing out? I asked the Lord this and got a deep reassurance from Him. It seriously was nothing more and nothing less than a deeply satisfying reassurance in my heart of hearts. I felt still before the Lord.

The reason I was struck by my sin this morning is because I realized that even in the good and right things that we think and do, there is always sin wrapped around it, or at least ready to be added just around the corner. A good way to describe it would be like bringing your neighbor an apple pie because she has been sick. However, as you walk across the street to bring it to her, you hope that your other neighbors are seeing you do it! That is the kind of thing that I'm getting at. I felt reassured that my thinking was on track and from the Lord and without realizing it, I had slipped into suddenly feeling smug, and self righteously indignant! The details of all of it don't really matter. The point I'm making is that even our best efforts are tainted with sin. That could have the potential to sound pretty defeating. But, actually it isn't. There is nothing surprising about it in the least. We are each human and sinful, hence the need for our amazing, gracious, and forgiving Savior, Jesus Christ!

I can't say that this morning's prayer time was some negative and obsessive type of browbeating myself. Quite the contrary. The best way to describe it, was that I felt in a very safe and warm place with the Lord as He convicted me of some bad attitudes that I had. It all fell into place like that Connect Four game. God is not a brow beater. He is not a condemer. He doesn't point the finger. He actually set my thinking straight and I felt a whole lot better!

I had some tiny guilt creeping in about sneaking off to the beach. I had a lot on my plate and different things that needed attending. That being said, I felt I needed to go. I don't think we should ever apologize or feel guilty for spending time alone with the Lord. We need breaks. We need open windows and loud music. We need to walk down the path to the beach and see big, foaming, crashing waves with a blue sky. We need to breathe in fresh air and just say, thank you. "Thank you, Lord!" As soon as I got there, I knew it was meant to be!  A major spiritual, physical and emotional refreshment!

God desires more than a simple one-dimensional relationship with us. It should be all encompassing. It should involve all the pieces of us connecting with all the pieces of Him. It is why at one moment you will obtain victory, and in another moment you will be convicted of your sin, and in another moment you will be standing in awe of His creation and tender love for you. It is all of those things and MUCH more. He is a good Father! 

I was thinking this morning about how He has been the best Teacher and Counselor for me.

My prayer this morning through writing this, is that you will know how beautifully an intricately you are loved by God. ALL of you. Yes, ALL THE PIECES OF YOU.💗

School Registration vs. Catching Flies

School registration. I thought it was just me who dreaded it, but that's not the case. I had a talk with a co-worker about this a few weeks ago and since then, I've been hearing from others. This morning, a mom messaged me her feelings about that and other back-to-school agonies, and I thought, 'time to write a blog!'

As with most anything, it's never about the situation itself, but about how we interpret the situation. I seldom use the word "hate" because it's not only negative, but somewhat dramatic. However, today I'm going to use it. I hate school registration and have since my first child entered kindergarten! In fact, it was probably that first registration that became a trigger for all the subsequent ones!

I felt sadness that our son was going off to school. I didn't know any of the other moms. I wasn't familiar with the school. The fees were astronomical and how about the insane list of school supplies needed? I wasn't on the PTO. I didn't want to join the PTO. I was not a Burr Ridge mom driving an SUV, with a rock on her finger, sipping Starbucks, calling out to friends from across the gym. I was quiet, shy, 100% insecure, and...yeah, insecure. Oh, I'm sure I appeared acceptable from the outside, but on the inside I was slacker mom. I felt 13 again, wanting to shrink in that gym. 

Given a choice between school registration, and sweating bullets in a backwoods, gator infested swamp, in Louisiana, catching flies, I can tell you for sure that the flies would win every time! But, the registrations continued over the years with condescending people working behind the tables, long lines, ridiculous (affluent suburban) fees, and school supply lists that had me wanting to pull my hair out at Walmart. 

However, to be completely fair, there is not a thing wrong with the PTO and in fact, the parents worked HARD. There is not a thing wrong with nice wedding rings, cars or Starbucks (I drank one last week). About 90% of the problem rested inside my heart and mind alone. The other 10% were a few genuine systemic problems with a side of BS (and that's not Bachelor of Science).

This morning a mom shared with me the pressures she was feeling with all the back-to-school hoopla. Physicals, new gym shoes, new backpack, new clothes, hair cuts, school supplies, books and other fees. She expressed, and these were her exact words, feeling like a "loser mom." We'd like to think it's just the kids trying to keep up with their peers. We often say, "it's that age." But, if we're honest, a lot of this is also us wanting to keep up with our own peers, and part of keeping up is staying silent about the pressure and insecurity we are feeling. We've got pressure from our kids. Pressure from the media. And, self-induced pressure big time. 

This also hurts when we have children who are struggling in school for a myriad of reasons. This time of year can bring up great angst in our gut. Will they get the right teachers? Will anyone eat with them at lunch? Will they make friends? Will that certain bully be back again? Will they be able to stay healthy? What if the depression comes back or the social anxiety? Will my child even go to school?  (And, moving forward to college is a whole other blog in and of itself).

So, what to do? Like I said in the beginning, it's not about the situation itself but how we interpret the situation. Or, we can go even deeper. It's ultimately what we end up believing about ourselves in the situation. For me, far too many times than I care to admit, I dreaded registration because it brought up deep seated feelings of failure and worthlessness. I often struggled to come up with the money to pay exorbitant fees for all three kids at one time. I felt like I was alone in that. While I had many friends and acquaintances from church, I had very few from the school and this made me feel like a bad mother. I felt rushed and behind the eight ball all the time. I could be a leader with competence on a church steering team and then whither away on the inside in line at the school. What was happening? To be honest, I haven't totally delved into that yet, but what I do know, is there has been something about the school setting that has triggered feelings of worthlessness in me. And, it probably began when I was a small child. For some, this will make sense to you and you will say, "ah-hah." For others, I may have lost you and that's okay!

What I can say with confidence is that these feelings do NOT come from the Lord. The pressure is NOT from the Lord. The stress is NOT from the Lord. The false beliefs (lies) do NOT come from the Lord. 

Practically speaking, work ahead. Buy the school supplies in packets from the school or start early and do a little at a time. Kids do NOT need a bunch of brand new clothing to start school in the summer. They can wear what they've been wearing the last two months. It can wait until next month when it gets cooler. Talk to the school in ADVANCE about the fees if that is a concern of yours. They do NOT need a new backpack every year, especially as they grow older and nobody cares anyway. And if they really want one, have them pay for it or at least half. Just start on these things a bit at a time and start early (like I never did)! And, start early on your children who struggle when it comes to school. Don't sweep it under the rug. Talk and communicate. And, communicate with the school as well. If you have thoughts to share on this, please feel free to comment. We need all the help and support we can get.

But, from a spiritual perspective, oh, dear and precious child of our KING, spend time with Jesus about this. You are NOT a loser in any way, shape or form. You are God's workmanship. His peace is within you. There is no hurried pace with Him. There is zero pressure. It only feels like there is much to fear, but His perfect love casts out that fear. Satan is a master distorter. What feels bigger than life, is actually quite small. Satan loves to terrorize. But, Jesus' light and power are far bigger. I'm telling you for certain, that the breadth of God's love has the power to destroy lies in an instant. So, get yourself quiet before Him and share your heart. Keep it real. He knows anyway and ask Him to share His truth with you about WHO YOU REALLY ARE. Ask Him to go before you and ask Him to provide whatever it is that you need. And then give Him praise and thanks. 

Lastly, in my experience, registration and the back-to-school hoopla is a stress-inducing time for everyone. Some walk through it fairly easily and others don't, but I think everyone sort of feels "it." It'll probably never be my thing and I'll still choose catching flies instead, but I can at least prepare for it better. And, think better. 

Try being kind to the person next to you in line. Make the most of your time and let your light shine on someone else who is probably feeling like you and maybe even worse. And, be oh so kind to yourself as well. You deserve a big hug. It's not easy being a parent. It's not easy taking care of a home and the needs of others. But, all of your efforts to care and provide truly bless the heart of Jesus Christ. He sees it and He honors you for it. And, not to be taken lightly, "You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you." Philippians 4:13.

For All Of My Breaths

Oh, God. How can it be that you are in everything? 

As I walked down the covered trail to get to this spot, I could feel you above me, eyes crinkled at the corners with a smile. It is so important for me to feel your love everyday. There is no force that is greater. 

The breeze within the trees is your voice. You are in all of my moments whether I feel you or not. 

I know I think of you from my own human limitations, trying to squeeze you, oh holy God, into my frame of understanding. I know I have made you smaller than you are. Yet, I know you are the largest roaring lion who moves mountains with the wave of your hand. You are the loving Father who embraces me in in the night - who knit me together back when - who has walked with me throughout. 

I cannot believe that I get to know You!  The doors of my heart have been opened by your hands and thrown off the hinges wide open and bare. As you have moved in and throughout me, I want to know you more. Who are you, oh great God?  You are a mystery that can be trusted and knowledge that is treasure. You are my absolute go-to, the Anchor of my soul, and the truest Love of my life. 

Thank you for putting right the jagged and twisted edges. You do this within seconds and everything falls into place. You are my Sense Maker! When I cannot see, my outstretched hand is firmly sought out and grasped by you. Turmoil is smoothed like you calmed the sea when you were with your friends on the boat. You are bent on doing this for me, over and over again! Who does this? Only you, Lord.

Oh, beautiful God, how I love you for all of my breaths, and for all of eternity.

Written by,

Dee M. Kostelyk