Do We Know?

When our head is a mess, we've been rejected and betrayed, the dishes are in the sink, the bills are due, the inspiration is waning, our bodies are giving way, craving what we can't have, and can't find what we're looking for, do we know we are loved by God? I don't. I mean, I do. But. Not. Totally. Do we know He is on our side? 

The other day I was talking with a resident who shared with me through tears how depressed she felt. The (false) guilt of this was written all over as she anxiously kept trying to tuck stray strands of hair behind her ears that didn't want to stay put. She told me that her husband had been wonderful and caring but that she didn't want to talk with him because she felt she had nothing good to share. She didn't want him to worry about her. She also shared how the night before she didn't want to talk about it with God, either. She was afraid. She did not know how to approach God in this depressed state and she felt that by acknowledging her depression, it would not just make it more real, but it would define her. She placed her hand over her heart and said, "I would become depression." She told me she felt lonely. She didn't articulate this, but I could feel that she was afraid of being sucked into a hole she would never be found in again.

We teeter on that edge, don't we? It is an exhausting space because we are navigating all the time. We are trying to keep one foot in front of the other while holding more than we can carry. We are trying to be good. We are trying to be okay. We want desperately to be enough and for someone to acknowledge that "enoughness." 

I make it a practice that when I go to bed for the night, I stay there. I try to stay away from checking my phone and if I can't sleep I don't get up. I pray, I think, I try to relax, and I hope to get back to sleep. But, I don't get up. A lot of that is just a thing for me but it also has to do with having to get up very early for my shifts. I don't have the luxury (or misery) of messing around in the middle of the night doing who knows what. But, at around 3:30 a.m. I found myself taking the freedom to get up. I wrapped a blanket around myself and sat on the deck in the dark. I slumped down in the chair so I could lay my head back and I looked at the sky and the trees. It was beautiful, quiet, and breezy. My favorite. I also felt entirely sad and alone. You know where that hits? Right below my heart. That's the spot for me. Like the resident placing her hand over her heart, I can place my hand over 'sad and lonely,' These things take residence inside of us whether we realize it or not.

I started thinking back to the resident I had talked with and how I addressed each of her concerns. I suggested she talk with her husband about needing a break from communication for a few days while she got acclimated to treatment and focused on herself. We talked about the difference between saying, "I am depressed" and "I am feeling depressed." I shared about how depressed David was in the Psalms and we talked about how healthy and important it is to lament and what that looks like. I shared about how God is only interested in our authentic and real self. He is not only interested, but that is who He welcomes. Lastly, we talked about feeling alone and how when we don't feel well we tend to be inward focused and that is a lonely place. No one can walk our pain in our place but that doesn't mean we can't walk, and it doesn't mean that the Lord isn't in it with us. 

Do we know we are loved by God? There is no doubt of my love FOR Him. In the last four and a half years it has grown immensely. But, recently, someone asked me if I felt the same depth of love from God for myself. That kind of stopped me. I hadn't given it much thought. Do I feel loved by God? Not always. He is loving but I don't always feel deserving of that love. I realized that I had to work at experiencing the feeling. It's hard when human experiences have made you question your value and worth to then be able to experience love coming from a majestic and holy God. It's not that I don't. It's just that I don't fully walk in it the way God intends. He is pouring it out upon me but my heart, mind, and eyes are too broken to receive. Too preoccupied with stuff. Too busy. Too ashamed. Too uncomfortable. It has become a prayer of mine that the Lord would allow me to experience His love in my days. It's new and I'm working at it. One of the many great attributes of Jesus Christ is that He is a wonderful teacher. So, I'm learning.

In regard to sharing with the resident about how God is only interested in our true and authentic self, that has been part of this journey of receiving God's love. I've read plenty of devotionals and heard messages about how God loves us in our brokenness. But, I feel like most of us come away thinking that means "a little surface messy brokenness." He will forgive my anger, how I gossiped at work, how I doubted His faithfulness, or swore under my breath at the person who cut me off. But, if we were to get real, do we believe that God loves us when we revel in evil? When we've sought it out and played with it? When we ran far away from Him when no one was looking? When we have been in the pit and fallout of our own stinking mess? Keep in mind that these aren't simply conditions, although they certainly can be. We can experience these things in the midst of much good and normalcy. We are human. Does God still love us at our very, very worst? YES. THE CROSS. When He came to you in the middle of the night. When you got the phone call with good news. When you got the kind text. When you received mercy from someone you hurt. When you sat on the floor of your room and He took your hands and pulled you up. When you told Him your sin, said you were sorry, and felt Him dry your tears. In all sorts of ways in all kinds of days, God loves us unconditionally. 

I'm big on lament. I think it is one of the healthiest communications we can have with the Lord and it is a great developer of intimacy in our relationship with Him. Pour your heart out. Tell him your thoughts. Dreams. Hurts. Sins. Agonies. He is your Abba Dad. It is cleansing to process our lives with the One who knit us in our mother's womb. As a result of this lamenting process, praise pours from us into the heart of Jesus. Gratitude. Relief. It helps us become better and feel better. And, it will definitely take the edge off of loneliness.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to KNOW THIS LOVE THAT SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." WOW. Ephesians 3:16-19

When It's Unavoidable

Peace. I have had a lot of it in the last few days. Thank you, Jesus! This morning I woke up and had a thought that I wanted to guard that peace with all that I had. 

As I was thinking more about peace and even joy, I thought about the kinds of quotes floating out there that make me cringe such as:

"You'll never find inner peace of mind until you listen to your heart." (What does that even mean?)

"You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy. Somebody who won't complicate your life. Somebody who won't hurt you. (Is that "somebody" even human?)

"Being happy is the greatest form of success." (Really? The greatest form of success? So, if I'm depressed or struggling I must be a loser. Ok. Got it.)

"Psychologists say, once you learn how to be happy you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less." (I'd like to know which Psychologist(s) have said this.)

"We don't realize that somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme self who is eternally at peace." (My supreme self is having a good laugh at this poetic piece of crap.)

Hopefully, I made my point as to why I cringe. These are the kind of collective messages we are bombarded with from all sorts of media and books. They are bought and believed hook, line and sinker. But, we live in the real world and in the real world we will always have people and situations that can threaten our peace and joy. We could always move by ourselves to a cabin in Tristan Da Cunha (Yeah, I looked this up and it's the most remote livable place on Earth) but we would still be hanging out with ourselves. God knows that it doesn't take much to think ourselves straight out of peace and joy without help from anyone else. 

The message that we have to get rid of anyone or anything negative in order to feel good is false. It's impossible. Instead, it's more helpful to learn how to live with negativity that we can't avoid, change or didn't plan on. 

I started by talking about how peaceful I have felt in the last few days and how I wanted to guard that. The Bible is clear about guarding our heart and mind, and peace is a part of that. Philippians 4:7 says, "Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." But, that is a partnership between myself and God. It is actually not dependent on others or my situation. Thank God! Literally. 

Recently, I had a conversation with someone who encouraged me to prepare ahead of time when I knew I would be walking into a difficult situation or interacting with a difficult person. He pointed out that I was (emotionally) running a daily marathon that was depleting me. 

The fact is, we have roles in life that are going to take us through hard stuff we cannot avoid. We have families. Spouses. Kids. Parents. Co-workers. Bosses. Neighbors. Friends. Not all of them are easy. We aren't always easy, either. If it's not people, then it's circumstances like mental and physical health, finances, our work environment, and home life etc. 

It is true that there are certain people and situations we can walk away from or at least avoid. When that is an option and one God has encouraged, we should do that and feel okay about it. When we are especially vulnerable, there may be times when we need to stay away or say, "no." That is also true. 

I'm talking more about the reality of life. Instead of the false message that we should shed anyone and everything who is negative to achieve peace, we need to learn how to hold and guard peace in spite of and in the midst of. We need to be equipped.

Prayer is huge, especially for the one you feel you are coming up against. It is hard, but you can do it. 

Pray for what you are walking into. For example, a friend of mine shared about a family birthday party she had to go where there would be a lot of friction. Sometimes, we have to be there and there isn't a choice. But, we do have a choice in how we prepare and in what spirit we walk through the door. Pray for your family by name. Pray for the home and property. Pray for yourself. And, put on the armor of God. I'm going to quote all of Ephesians 6: 10-17 because I think it's important. "A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will STILL BE STANDING FIRM. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God." There is great preparation right there. In fact, it's a good way to start your day no matter what because we never know what we will come up against.

When you leave the person or situation, pray again. Ask the Lord to remove anything that isn't of Him. We can feel safe. We can have peace and joy. God has equipped us wonderfully and in that we also have His protection. 

I would rather learn how to do tough things with the help of God than avoid what is actually unavoidable. 

He will always make a way for us. 

Written by,

Dee M. Kostelyk