Do We Know?

When our head is a mess, we've been rejected and betrayed, the dishes are in the sink, the bills are due, the inspiration is waning, our bodies are giving way, craving what we can't have, and can't find what we're looking for, do we know we are loved by God? I don't. I mean, I do. But. Not. Totally. Do we know He is on our side? 

The other day I was talking with a resident who shared with me through tears how depressed she felt. The (false) guilt of this was written all over as she anxiously kept trying to tuck stray strands of hair behind her ears that didn't want to stay put. She told me that her husband had been wonderful and caring but that she didn't want to talk with him because she felt she had nothing good to share. She didn't want him to worry about her. She also shared how the night before she didn't want to talk about it with God, either. She was afraid. She did not know how to approach God in this depressed state and she felt that by acknowledging her depression, it would not just make it more real, but it would define her. She placed her hand over her heart and said, "I would become depression." She told me she felt lonely. She didn't articulate this, but I could feel that she was afraid of being sucked into a hole she would never be found in again.

We teeter on that edge, don't we? It is an exhausting space because we are navigating all the time. We are trying to keep one foot in front of the other while holding more than we can carry. We are trying to be good. We are trying to be okay. We want desperately to be enough and for someone to acknowledge that "enoughness." 

I make it a practice that when I go to bed for the night, I stay there. I try to stay away from checking my phone and if I can't sleep I don't get up. I pray, I think, I try to relax, and I hope to get back to sleep. But, I don't get up. A lot of that is just a thing for me but it also has to do with having to get up very early for my shifts. I don't have the luxury (or misery) of messing around in the middle of the night doing who knows what. But, at around 3:30 a.m. I found myself taking the freedom to get up. I wrapped a blanket around myself and sat on the deck in the dark. I slumped down in the chair so I could lay my head back and I looked at the sky and the trees. It was beautiful, quiet, and breezy. My favorite. I also felt entirely sad and alone. You know where that hits? Right below my heart. That's the spot for me. Like the resident placing her hand over her heart, I can place my hand over 'sad and lonely,' These things take residence inside of us whether we realize it or not.

I started thinking back to the resident I had talked with and how I addressed each of her concerns. I suggested she talk with her husband about needing a break from communication for a few days while she got acclimated to treatment and focused on herself. We talked about the difference between saying, "I am depressed" and "I am feeling depressed." I shared about how depressed David was in the Psalms and we talked about how healthy and important it is to lament and what that looks like. I shared about how God is only interested in our authentic and real self. He is not only interested, but that is who He welcomes. Lastly, we talked about feeling alone and how when we don't feel well we tend to be inward focused and that is a lonely place. No one can walk our pain in our place but that doesn't mean we can't walk, and it doesn't mean that the Lord isn't in it with us. 

Do we know we are loved by God? There is no doubt of my love FOR Him. In the last four and a half years it has grown immensely. But, recently, someone asked me if I felt the same depth of love from God for myself. That kind of stopped me. I hadn't given it much thought. Do I feel loved by God? Not always. He is loving but I don't always feel deserving of that love. I realized that I had to work at experiencing the feeling. It's hard when human experiences have made you question your value and worth to then be able to experience love coming from a majestic and holy God. It's not that I don't. It's just that I don't fully walk in it the way God intends. He is pouring it out upon me but my heart, mind, and eyes are too broken to receive. Too preoccupied with stuff. Too busy. Too ashamed. Too uncomfortable. It has become a prayer of mine that the Lord would allow me to experience His love in my days. It's new and I'm working at it. One of the many great attributes of Jesus Christ is that He is a wonderful teacher. So, I'm learning.

In regard to sharing with the resident about how God is only interested in our true and authentic self, that has been part of this journey of receiving God's love. I've read plenty of devotionals and heard messages about how God loves us in our brokenness. But, I feel like most of us come away thinking that means "a little surface messy brokenness." He will forgive my anger, how I gossiped at work, how I doubted His faithfulness, or swore under my breath at the person who cut me off. But, if we were to get real, do we believe that God loves us when we revel in evil? When we've sought it out and played with it? When we ran far away from Him when no one was looking? When we have been in the pit and fallout of our own stinking mess? Keep in mind that these aren't simply conditions, although they certainly can be. We can experience these things in the midst of much good and normalcy. We are human. Does God still love us at our very, very worst? YES. THE CROSS. When He came to you in the middle of the night. When you got the phone call with good news. When you got the kind text. When you received mercy from someone you hurt. When you sat on the floor of your room and He took your hands and pulled you up. When you told Him your sin, said you were sorry, and felt Him dry your tears. In all sorts of ways in all kinds of days, God loves us unconditionally. 

I'm big on lament. I think it is one of the healthiest communications we can have with the Lord and it is a great developer of intimacy in our relationship with Him. Pour your heart out. Tell him your thoughts. Dreams. Hurts. Sins. Agonies. He is your Abba Dad. It is cleansing to process our lives with the One who knit us in our mother's womb. As a result of this lamenting process, praise pours from us into the heart of Jesus. Gratitude. Relief. It helps us become better and feel better. And, it will definitely take the edge off of loneliness.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to KNOW THIS LOVE THAT SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." WOW. Ephesians 3:16-19