A Fool for Jesus

I've been doing a lot of thinking this morning with silent tears falling down my cheeks. I would rather be a fool for Jesus. I would rather be a dreamer. One who hopes and has visions. One who claims on Earth as it is in heaven. One who thanks God in advance for what He has done even though I can't see it yet. One who approaches the throne of God with boldness and confidence. One who seeks, knocks, and asks with perseverance. One with crazy big faith. One who runs toward Abba Daddy with muddy knees, a snot nose, and pigtails flying in the middle of the war torn cuz all she sees is HIM. One who blows past the naysayers, skeptics, and pharisaical rule keepers. One who calls forth in the name of Jesus. One who actually believes scripture and God's promises. One who knows that 2,000 years ago is still today and seas are still being parted. I would rather trip, fall, fail and believe than be a dead bag of bones in the Sunday pew like a frozen bit of chosen. 

A couple days ago as I was reading 2 Samuel 6 a few verses caught my attention and stuck with me. As David was entering Jerusalem with those carrying the ark of the covenant, this mighty warrior man king "danced before the Lord with all his might." (verse 14). After David sacrificed burnt offerings and blessed the people in the name of the Lord, he went home to bless his household. But, his wife Michal was upset with him and accused his worship and dancing before the Lord as vulgar. It is hard to know the root of this accusation. Maybe she could not wrap her head around David's unabashed humility and praise of God. Maybe she was embarrassed that her husband, a king, could show such emotion publicly. We don't really know what the issue was, but I love David's response: David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord's people Israel - I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor." (verses 21 and 22). David's heart and soul were so bent toward the Lord in love, that nothing else mattered. He was not concerned with himself - not his reputation, weapons, authority, appearance, or manhood. For that time he danced with abandon and not a care for inconsequential matters such as what others thought. I imagine David was more of a king in those moments than in anything previous. Bravo. What a lesson and an encouragement for us, today. For me.

Do not be embarrassed of your faith when the crops are all but failing. Do not think of yourself as weak when you still work at and care about the relationships in your life that have caused you hurt. Do not second-guess yourself when you give people the benefit of the doubt. It is good to not hold a grudge. There is no shame in perseverance. You don't have to feel less-than for being vulnerable and expressive. It is brave to go to the next door when the first one gets slammed in your face. Faith keeps knocking. It does not walk away dejected with shoulders slumped. It always hopes. Sometimes, you will give more to people than you will get back and the world will tell you to read a self-help book about boundaries, but not Jesus. He says it is better to give than receive. You are BETTER. Your heart on your sleeve is of tremendous value. The world is desperate to see this kind of nothing-held-back worship and commitment because it will always point to HIM.

David got it right. In those moments of full on adoration and love for the Lord, he was 100% his full-male-God-ordained-king-self. How contrary to the world and sadly even to some Jesus followers. There is treasure in humility, and Jesus Christ - King of kings and Lord of lords, is worthy of every single praise, honor, and posture of that humility.

Do not conform to make others feel more comfortable. Run with abandon TO, and don't shrink FROM. Be vulnerable. Be expressive. Reach out. Take a risk. Live out and share your faith.

"YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD. A CITY SET ON A HILL CANNOT BE HIDDEN." Matthew 5:14

Dee M. Kostelyk

Give A Moment

 I didn't know her name, only that she was dysregulated and beginning to make a scene in the overcrowded milieu. I asked if she wanted to go outside for a few minutes and through her tears she nodded, yes. I will call her Bethany.

Bethany was 15 years old and had been admitted for substance abuse, anxiety, depression, and PTSD. She had multiple sexual relationships with men quite a bit older than her and putting it mildly, some of those men were not nice. As we sat outside, I let her cry and talk. As my maternal instincts kicked in, I really wanted to hug her but I refrained and simply listened. She sobbed and at times could hardly talk. It took great effort to get her to a point where she could breathe and become more regulated. I heard all about the hatred for her mom, how controlling she was, what one man did to her and how she was currently in a relationship with another older man whom she missed. It is difficult to know that you have maybe a 10-minute window with someone and in that 10 minutes you feel desperate to make some kind of difference. All I can say is how grateful I am for the Holy Spirit who has given me words I couldn't have come up with myself and extra time that humanly wasn't there. Time and again. That afternoon was no different.

As we sifted through what appeared on the surface as a crisis, we got a little more to the heart of things. She was craving drugs badly. She felt cut off from her friends, and abandoned and unloved by her mom. She missed the man she was in a relationship with and the temporary facade of comfort he gave her. She was smart with enough insight to recognize the dysfunction of the relationship but it didn't matter. She wanted what it could provide. Every go-to she had gathered for herself in order to cope with pain, was gone and ripped away. She was crawling out of her skin. She was alone in a boat out to sea with no anchor. My heart broke for her as we made eye contact. What a precious girl. 

In order to temporarily distract her and get her to calm down, I asked what her dreams were for after high school. She told me she wanted to be a counselor. I commended her for that and encouraged her to pursue those dreams. I explained in a factual way since emotion was already high, all the things she was going without in order to be in treatment at the age of 15. I validated her cravings AND yearnings of the heart. She kept looking at me with silent tears. I thought to myself that what she was carrying would be a lot for an adult woman, but for a 15-year-old girl? Seriously, my heart hurt. I looked at her and with conviction told her that this was as hard as it would ever get. Of course, I could not know what her future would hold and I knew that circumstances could indeed get worse. But, I wasn't talking about circumstances. I was talking about the condition of her heart and mind and the utter brokenness being felt there. She needed the validation of that. She needed to know that someone else was sitting in that condition WITH her. "Yes, sweet girl, this HURTS." I explained that she would be able to move through this pain with the cravings and the longings for comfort. I told her that their shout level would lessen in her head and that she would not keel over and die. I commended her for her bravery and courage to get help at the age of 15 and told her how much better than at the age of 30, 50, or 75 (though it's NEVER, EVER too late). I told her that she would be a wonderful counselor and that someday she would be sitting on a bench with another 15-year-old sharing her story. Our time was abruptly interrupted as we had to get on to the next group. I never worked with her again but I remembered her name and saw her a few times after that. I always went out of my way to smile and say hello and do a quick check in. She told me she was feeling much better and was in fact discharging soon.

I do not know what will come of Bethany. I pray that some kind of seed of hope was planted and that she will recall her time on the bench with "that lady at TK" in years to come. 

I am often struck about how fragile we are as human beings. All it can take is feeling ignored, being cheated out of something, or having someone give us a wrong look to ruin a whole day and much more. We can trip and fall and sustain a terrible injury. Life can end in a breath. Yet, on the other hand, we are capable of experiencing and overcoming immense pain and hardship against every odd. We may wither but bloom again. We can change for the good. We can heal.

May we be people who give moments to those who need them and may we have the courage to accept the moments others give us when we need them. God is actively present in both. He created us for connection.

"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had." Romans 15:5

Dee M. Kostelyk

Hugs

Do you ever literally hug your Bible against you? I am doing that this morning. It's such a treasure, so alive, and filled with everything I need for my life. The pages have held many of my tears over the years - sad ones, happy ones, angry ones, confused ones and ones with no words to describe. This book has sat unopened for days and weeks. It's been ignored and looked at with guilt. It's been opened quickly in search of a golden nugget. It's been poured over and studied. It has convicted me like an arrow and comforted me like a soft blanket. It has helped me make decisions and kept me from ruin. It has confused me and given me clarity. My young hands have been upon it and so have my weathered hands. I used to be able to read it without bifocals, but not as much anymore. I've taken a pen and highlighter to it and have duct taped the spine. It has been lost and it has been found. And, the more I read, the more I find how much I need it. The value has no end. It can't be hugged tightly enough.

Dee M. Kostelyk

Sitting Alongside

As I sat with a resident yesterday who was clearly getting lost in the fight to stay present, I admit to feeling helpless. The color in her had been pooled away and I sat instead with the void and vacant. I called on the Holy Spirit repeatedly for help. Words came to me by His power and by His power life slowly returned, though dimly. Our eyes could see each other and it was enough for the moment. As I walked to the dining hall by myself I silently prayed to God. It is very difficult to sit with another's pain and feel helpless to relieve it. She sat next to me for lunch and her light became just a tiny bit brighter. As we went around the table in closing, we shared how our food was, what we were feeling and what we were grateful for. She, in a barely audible voice, with head down and eyes averted, said she was grateful for support. In that moment, I could think of no better place to be - in the private and deep space of a victory that had the light of Jesus through and through it. As I was praying for this young woman this morning, I thought about the value of just simply sitting alongside someone. Just being. I've underestimated that. Sometimes, all we really need is to be heard and seen, to be connected with, in order to have the courage to crawl from a dark space.

Dee M. Kostelyk

The Truth About Grief

 I come at the topic of grief from a deep and sure chunk of my insides. I have experienced gut-wrenching loss that has had me on my bedroom floor crying before work and not knowing how I was going to get up and move. I have also sat with too many to count experiencing grief over the death of a loved one and loss of loved ones addicted to alcohol and drugs, health issues, mental illness, and dementia -  loss over people still living. 

Other losses can be just as excruciating such as loss of a dream, finances, relationship, marital status, or simply the loss of what you always thought would be. We can feel grief over things we're ashamed to talk about - people and lifestyles that we left for our good but are still processing.  

Grief never covers one solitary thing or person. Grief covers the shrapnel, residue, sidelines, splinters and everything in it's wake. It cannot be wrapped up in neat stages with a beginning and an end. Sometimes, it just plain dictates to us how it's going to be and not the other way around. 

Grief is messy and uneven. It isn't planned. It can be background noise or a subtle nagging sadness. It can hit like a fast punch in the gut leaving us doubled over in silent sobs. But, those sobs can also be loud and runny with no breath to catch. It can be moments, even seconds. And, it can be days, months and seasons. 

No one can grieve in our place. It is a solitary experience that can certainly be numbed out, avoided, and beaten up, but it will always return if not experienced and shared even in some small way with a safe other -  if not gathered in our palms and offered to Jesus. 

NOTE TO OTHERS: We don't always want to talk about it but we certainly are not helped by pretending our loss does not exist. Your comfort with our grief is not our responsibility. We have enough to carry without having to make sure you don't feel uncomfortable. We sense that you want us to be fine so you can feel better with our situation. We sense that you don't want us to bring up the source of our loss too often because we know you think we should be over it already. But, we aren't over it. Already. You see, it's always with us. The source is either a huge part of our heart or it is sitting in the corner of the room despised but alive and not to be ignored. 

Sometimes, we are not okay. Not at all. Sure, we may even be thriving, but we are grieving. Much of it is done alone and behind closed doors where no one can see but our precious Jesus. Those times are needed like fresh water and oxygen as are the moments when you sit with us, let us process, and grieve with us. Quoting scriptures, false optimism, and blanket thoughtless pretty words don't help. In fact, sometimes they make us feel more wrong, like there is something not right about us, as if we are subhuman and low on the faith in Jesus scale. We are not. Many of us have touched hands with Christ more times than you have. HE has dried our tears, don't you know?

Anything can bring on the force of grief into our body. Grocery shopping and seeing a loved one's favorite snack. An approaching holiday. Change of seasons and weather. The smell of perfume, cologne, or dinner in the oven. A song sang in church that makes us feel like weeping. A love song on the radio. A milestone experienced alone. A great day but with no one to tell about it. A hard day but no one to give us a hug. Pregnant women gathered at the park while our womb sits empty. A couple walking while holding hands. The dreams we had of the future that felt so real we could touch them, not to be realized. Memories in full color. A photograph. Handwriting. The sound of laughter. A room, Our bed. Shopping. TV shows and movies. Parties. Celebrations. Mundane. The usual. The routine. Drinking coffee. Making a purchase. Who we used to be. Who we are now. The uncertainty of who we will be next year. And, crippling loneliness that bites at our core with searing pain. No, that is not being dramatic. It's actually telling you the way that it is.

Oh, how we fight this. How we understand your discomfort even as we are not responsible for it. Oh, how we wish we could be done but yet we don't want to be done because then it means maybe we have forgotten and moved on. Yet, we want to move on. But maybe, we don't? We read all about balance and what is healthy and we search for it, as if looking through a window with broken glass only seeing bits and pieces of what it's supposed to be. We want solitude but please, OH PLEASE, call us. Include us. Invite us. SEE US. Accept and love us because we need you. We may not always express it, but we are grateful for you. So much.

For those heartbroken ones, trust me, you do not walk alone. 

Sometimes, when I sit at a red light waiting to make a left hand turn, I study the faces of the people driving the cars going past me. My heart bursts with something inside. I don't know how to quite put it into words but it is as if Jesus is giving me a glimpse of how He sees us. There are different stories, destinations, faces, cultures, histories, joys and sorrows - hopes and dreams. People. All people who Jesus thought about personally as He hung on the cross. ALL PEOPLE JESUS LOVES. 

Jesus loves you, broken heart and all. Twisted knots and wrestling with emotions, AND ALL. He is FOR you. He is One well acquainted with your sorrow. He is in it with you. 

Neither hide or drown out your grief. However, don't sit in it, either. Ride through. God has actually equipped you to experience very deep heartache. You can make it. You can do it. It doesn't have to be how anyone else does it or in a way that someone else thinks it should be done. You just do it. You and HIM. Moment by moment. Season by season. Jesus is the best Soother and Comforter. 

Talk it out. Write it out. Sing it out. Play it out. PROCESS. Keep your circle small and keep wise friends who are genuinely interested in your well-being and GOD'S AGENDA. Sleep well. Eat well. Keep moving. And, pay attention to beauty. 

Lastly and most importantly, I say this with all of my heart because it works: use your season of loss to cultivate a loving and blissfully intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. Enjoy stuff with Him. Go ahead and put that on your fridge - "Enjoy stuff with Him." You'll know what it means! 

We are not so far gone that we are swallowed into the abyss with no hope of getting out. There is always a hand reaching for us - the hand of Jesus Christ. Hope is a real thing. You are loved.

2 "When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Isaiah 43: 2-3

Dee M. Kostelyk

Soar

I had a moment (a long one) at work today where I thought, "I'm destined for more than this." A teen yelled at me in the dining hall, slammed her tray and proceeded to give me the evil eye during our 45 minute delightfully awkward lunch. I did my best to pretend like I was unfazed and said cheerfully, "So, who would like to play a game!?" I was met with dead pan stares.

I found that the rest of the afternoon I felt inept, useless, and like I wanted to soar but my wings were broken. Even teenagers hated me. I was a loss. I started feeling tired. I wanted to state loudly, "Ya know. I'm actually way more than who you girls see me as - the old mom easily bullied at the lunch table." But, it wasn't them. They're there for a reason and it isn't because they're feeling well. It was me. My inner dialogue sucked (sometimes that word just fits). It eventually passed as I got distracted and my perspective changed. I'm okay now, but it made me think of how often we must play different roles in different situations: parent, employee, employer, facilitator, student, teacher, leader, follower, peacemaker, and so forth. We all have areas where we must operate within the confines of expectation and/or necessity. But, what about the value of being able to soar, of growing into our God created selves, and flying high using our spiritual gifts and passions? What about the freedom to be ourselves - our best selves UNHINDERED? John 10:10 talks about God giving us life to the fullest. The "fullest" begins the moment we accept Him as Lord and Savior and continues into eternity with Him! It is by communing with Jesus daily and reading His word, that we begin to better understand our value, purpose and significance. Too many of us are plodding along, run down, tired, and having no concept of our worth. When we don't have areas in our life where we can be free to soar as ourselves and bear spiritual fruit, it can lead to depression, low self-esteem and a subpar spiritual life. Maybe it won't be in your job or career, but make work of finding your free place. Ask the Lord for help and open doors to use your spiritual gifts. It makes me sad to see Christians walking around worried about others' feedback and wearing clipped wings. Don't let anyone do that to you! Be YOU, the one KNOWN and SEEN by God, who knit you together wonderfully. I don't care if you've been shot down and rejected in the past. Today is a new day whether you're 12 or 95. Go big and soar!

- Dee M. Kostelyk