I come at the topic of grief from a deep and sure chunk of my insides. I have experienced gut-wrenching loss that has had me on my bedroom floor crying before work and not knowing how I was going to get up and move. I have also sat with too many to count experiencing grief over the death of a loved one and loss of loved ones addicted to alcohol and drugs, health issues, mental illness, and dementia - loss over people still living.
Other losses can be just as excruciating such as loss of a dream, finances, relationship, marital status, or simply the loss of what you always thought would be. We can feel grief over things we're ashamed to talk about - people and lifestyles that we left for our good but are still processing.
Grief never covers one solitary thing or person. Grief covers the shrapnel, residue, sidelines, splinters and everything in it's wake. It cannot be wrapped up in neat stages with a beginning and an end. Sometimes, it just plain dictates to us how it's going to be and not the other way around.
Grief is messy and uneven. It isn't planned. It can be background noise or a subtle nagging sadness. It can hit like a fast punch in the gut leaving us doubled over in silent sobs. But, those sobs can also be loud and runny with no breath to catch. It can be moments, even seconds. And, it can be days, months and seasons.
No one can grieve in our place. It is a solitary experience that can certainly be numbed out, avoided, and beaten up, but it will always return if not experienced and shared even in some small way with a safe other - if not gathered in our palms and offered to Jesus.
NOTE TO OTHERS: We don't always want to talk about it but we certainly are not helped by pretending our loss does not exist. Your comfort with our grief is not our responsibility. We have enough to carry without having to make sure you don't feel uncomfortable. We sense that you want us to be fine so you can feel better with our situation. We sense that you don't want us to bring up the source of our loss too often because we know you think we should be over it already. But, we aren't over it. Already. You see, it's always with us. The source is either a huge part of our heart or it is sitting in the corner of the room despised but alive and not to be ignored.
Sometimes, we are not okay. Not at all. Sure, we may even be thriving, but we are grieving. Much of it is done alone and behind closed doors where no one can see but our precious Jesus. Those times are needed like fresh water and oxygen as are the moments when you sit with us, let us process, and grieve with us. Quoting scriptures, false optimism, and blanket thoughtless pretty words don't help. In fact, sometimes they make us feel more wrong, like there is something not right about us, as if we are subhuman and low on the faith in Jesus scale. We are not. Many of us have touched hands with Christ more times than you have. HE has dried our tears, don't you know?
Anything can bring on the force of grief into our body. Grocery shopping and seeing a loved one's favorite snack. An approaching holiday. Change of seasons and weather. The smell of perfume, cologne, or dinner in the oven. A song sang in church that makes us feel like weeping. A love song on the radio. A milestone experienced alone. A great day but with no one to tell about it. A hard day but no one to give us a hug. Pregnant women gathered at the park while our womb sits empty. A couple walking while holding hands. The dreams we had of the future that felt so real we could touch them, not to be realized. Memories in full color. A photograph. Handwriting. The sound of laughter. A room, Our bed. Shopping. TV shows and movies. Parties. Celebrations. Mundane. The usual. The routine. Drinking coffee. Making a purchase. Who we used to be. Who we are now. The uncertainty of who we will be next year. And, crippling loneliness that bites at our core with searing pain. No, that is not being dramatic. It's actually telling you the way that it is.
Oh, how we fight this. How we understand your discomfort even as we are not responsible for it. Oh, how we wish we could be done but yet we don't want to be done because then it means maybe we have forgotten and moved on. Yet, we want to move on. But maybe, we don't? We read all about balance and what is healthy and we search for it, as if looking through a window with broken glass only seeing bits and pieces of what it's supposed to be. We want solitude but please, OH PLEASE, call us. Include us. Invite us. SEE US. Accept and love us because we need you. We may not always express it, but we are grateful for you. So much.
For those heartbroken ones, trust me, you do not walk alone.
Sometimes, when I sit at a red light waiting to make a left hand turn, I study the faces of the people driving the cars going past me. My heart bursts with something inside. I don't know how to quite put it into words but it is as if Jesus is giving me a glimpse of how He sees us. There are different stories, destinations, faces, cultures, histories, joys and sorrows - hopes and dreams. People. All people who Jesus thought about personally as He hung on the cross. ALL PEOPLE JESUS LOVES.
Jesus loves you, broken heart and all. Twisted knots and wrestling with emotions, AND ALL. He is FOR you. He is One well acquainted with your sorrow. He is in it with you.
Neither hide or drown out your grief. However, don't sit in it, either. Ride through. God has actually equipped you to experience very deep heartache. You can make it. You can do it. It doesn't have to be how anyone else does it or in a way that someone else thinks it should be done. You just do it. You and HIM. Moment by moment. Season by season. Jesus is the best Soother and Comforter.
Talk it out. Write it out. Sing it out. Play it out. PROCESS. Keep your circle small and keep wise friends who are genuinely interested in your well-being and GOD'S AGENDA. Sleep well. Eat well. Keep moving. And, pay attention to beauty.
Lastly and most importantly, I say this with all of my heart because it works: use your season of loss to cultivate a loving and blissfully intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. Enjoy stuff with Him. Go ahead and put that on your fridge - "Enjoy stuff with Him." You'll know what it means!
We are not so far gone that we are swallowed into the abyss with no hope of getting out. There is always a hand reaching for us - the hand of Jesus Christ. Hope is a real thing. You are loved.
2 "When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Isaiah 43: 2-3
Dee M. Kostelyk
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