Sometimes, we cannot help ourselves. It can be hard to objectively, yet compassionately, hear what someone is experiencing without readily casting a judgment and giving advice. We *think* we know what we would feel and do and therefore assume the same for them. However, that is a problem. We actually do not know, what we do not know. It's that simple. A person seldom arrives at feelings and experiences with a one day history, but rather years of history we didn't walk through.
For example, two 30 year old men can arrive at a job interview late because of inclement weather. The first guy starts to sweat in the car. His stomach is knotting up and his breaths are shallow. He is gripping the steering wheel. He shuts the radio off so he can think. The people in front of him driving slowly begin to irritate him. He begins to shout inside of his head, "Don't these idiots realize the speed limit? I have somewhere to be!" A pit in his stomach begins to spread. His shoulders are tight and his anger is increasing. He thinks back to an argument he had with his wife last week when she told him he needed to find work soon or they wouldn't be able to keep up with the mortgage. He starts thinking about all the things he can't stand about her. He begins to hate her and all the slow drivers in front of him. His 4 year old son's face comes to mind. He wants to play baseball this spring and they don't have the money to pay the park district. Then, the internal name calling begins. You name it, he feels it. Total failure. Idiot. Loser. Can't-do-anything-right-pansy. He recalls the day he came home with the first car he bought with his own money. He was 17. He remembers the miserable look on his dad's face when he came outside with a sneer saying, "Good luck with this piece of shit." His stomach in knots and feeling defeated already, he walks into the interview.
The second guy starts to sweat in the car. He grips the steering wheel and turns the radio off. He lets out several long sighs and feels irritated with all the slow drivers on the road. His shoulders tense up and his stomach clenches. He thinks about the argument he had last week with his wife when she told him he needed to find a job soon or they wouldn't keep up with the mortgage. He feels irritated with her followed by a sinking feeling that he is going to let her down and blow this interview by being late. His 4 year old son's face comes to mind. He wants to play baseball this spring and they don't have the money to pay the park district. He then smiles to himself, momentarily distracted by the memory of laughing together at something the night before. But, the stress comes back as he looks at the time and that's when the internal dialog begins - I'm going to blow this, I need this job, Saturday I'm going to be at the family party and my wealthy brother-in-law is going to ask about the job search, I can't stand him, at least I have my truck (he thinks with a moment of pride). He then remembers a friend of his saying they had openings at his job place. If this doesn't work, he can call him. As he starts to think about how he's going to walk into the waiting room and then into the interview, a memory flashes through his mind. He had turned 17 and came home with the first car he bought with his own money. He remembers his dad coming outside to check it out. He was smiling and gave him a thumbs up before he even got to the car. He realizes then how more than anything, he wanted his dad's approval and how pumped up he felt when he got it. He takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders, and heads into the interview.
Granted, this example has it's confinements and it's simple, but you get the picture. One guy's experience of arriving at an interview late can be very different than someone else's, for good reason. It is important to keep that in mind. And, the same goes for us when God puts someone in our path who is struggling. We come to them from our own history and perspective and we perceive from that place. Unless we are intentional about being open and simply listening without judgment, we can do everyone a bit of disservice. I feel I am continually learning this personally and professionally. Stress is stress and pain is pain. It may come from different places and as a result of different experiences, but to the person walking through it, it's completely real.
In a day and age where we readily feel entitled to criticisms and opinions, especially when we are feeling low ourselves, or anxious to help someone we don't know how to help, slow is good. May we not be judges or stone throwers, but a compassionate people who are quick to listen, show grace, and offer safe spaces for people. That is the kind of sweet stuff that actually helps.
Dee M. Kostelyk
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