Progress Is Better Than No Progress

Lately, I've had to give thought to something that was getting downright on my nerves. It's always been a bit of a button pusher for me, but a recent experience had me taking a closer look.

I'm talking about people who act like their life is put together and they have no problems. Never mind that maybe their life IS in fact put together or that maybe they are just appropriately reserved. It annoys me.

Granted, there are those people who seem to one-up you in a subtly crappy way. Or, others who often give off false humility. Or, others who can hardly breathe for fear that the plaster might crack. And still others who seem to sniff out your vulnerability and then pounce on it. Those people. Ugh. Thank goodness I don't fit into any of those categories...

And when one of those kinds of people happen to ask how you're doing in this dripping wet sad cat kind of way, you mentally slap them, real quick like, not too hard, just a little sting, and tell them you're doing "fine."

Man Dee, what's up with you?

That's what God asked me recently. I was actually getting ready to go somewhere and found myself worked up creating imaginary scenarios in my head based in part on non-fiction, but honestly, a lot of fiction. What was it to me, anyway? For real? Sure, the facade some put on is annoying. When people actually do have a lot put together it can feel annoying as well. I am human after all. It makes me feel less than. That's a no brainer. But, why the intense and powerful feelings? Where was the heat in my face coming from? Why the spontaneous tears? This was when God got gentle and told me to work it through with Him. Key words "with him."

I realized without getting into it too much here, that I had been made to feel like "you poor thing" in the subtlest of ways going back a long time. Maybe "victim" would be a better word but the first description is far more felt. As I began to in essence, peel back the onion, I realized how a recent situation had triggered that response in me. I realized how in this area it was like having an open wound and when anything brushed up against it, ouch. God encouraged me to keep going. It wasn't that I just felt less than. I felt ashamed. Stupid. Dumb. My heart hurt. I felt of no worth. I felt deserving of disdain. Dismissed. More... Invisible. Like I shouldn't exist. Like I should be annihilated FROM. THE. PLANET. 

All this from someone giving off the vibe of or displaying a seemingly put together life? YES. Because it wasn't that person and it's not these people. It's me. It is because it elicited a response from me stemmed from years ago. It touched a hurt place in me not yet healed. But, for God. He pointed this out to me in the time it took to shower, get dressed and put my makeup on. We took the time together to figure some of this out. 

Whenever I feel myself getting heated or overreacting to a situation, it has become a practice for me to figure out what is actually going on. It seldom has to do with the situation itself. We people are funny. We are intricate. But, not too complicated when you start realizing why the 2 + 2 is giving you 4. 

The other day I walked into a resident's room at work. She was throwing a wooden box she had painted in art therapy at the wall. She picked up the pieces and threw those against the wall as well until the whole box was destroyed. I sat and let her finish. She was furious. Angry at her therapist. Angry at life. When all her energy was spent she sat on her bed, put her head in her hands, and cried. She felt that nobody loved or cared about her and that she would be better off dead. I had a good rapport with this resident and so we talked about the patterns with her anger and subsequent sadness and tears. Calm, this resident was quite insightful into her situation. She had grown up with a mom who struggled with severe mental illness and had been in and out of the hospital. That was just a part of her history. 

She told me that she felt she wasn't getting better but I disagreed with her. I told her that the box being slammed against the wall was exactly what recovery looked like. It was not linear. It was not smooth. It was a series of explosions and setbacks and tears and insight. Heated moments figured out. Realizations brought to light. I told her that it's first picking up eight pieces of splintered wood and the next time five, and the next time three and the next time the box would just stay in her hand.

To bring a bit of humor to the situation I said to her "You didn't really like that box much, did you?" Thankfully she smiled and didn't throw the pieces at me. We then walked to the dining hall together for lunch. A somewhat happy conclusion to the previous 30 minutes but just another step in a walk toward more freedom wrought with potholes.

We all have little pieces of immaturity inside of us. We all have wounds yet to be healed. We are alike in that way. We get annoyed, irritated, angry, hurt, jealous, scared, and wounded down deep. As a result we buy into lies that we aren't worth anything or that we would be better off not existing. I believe that Jesus wants to work through that with us. I don't think He cares whether it's seemingly petty or no doubt double barrel serious. It is all legitimate to Him. 

I guess I wanted to share about myself and this resident to give hope. Especially now, when so many of us find ourselves more isolated or alone, it can be hard to sit with our thoughts and negative emotions. But, there are ways to move through and I'm always going to say that the best way is WITH GOD. Pause, because you are worth the time it takes to figure out what is going on.

Getting better, feeling better, and doing better take time and work. It just does. I can honestly say that God worked out some issues for me recently. Not everything is solved. Unfortunately, I will still get annoyed. Lol. But, progress is better than no progress, right? Maybe I will write that again: PROGRESS IS BETTER THAN NO PROGRESS. You are loved!