I Don't Care what Anyone Thinks

 "I don't care what anyone thinks" is a phrase that feels good rolling off the tongue, lie though it is. We would like to think we are too old to care and far too mature for anyone's opinion of us to matter. Shoot, but we see it from the young toddler vying for his mom's attention to see his wooden block tower, all the way to the 62 year old top executive who takes a second in the bathroom to breathe wondering what his peers thought of his proposal. In an instant, anything from a stain on our shirt to putting our heart and soul into a project for everyone to see, can reduce us to being as valuable as what another person thinks of us. 

The other day I was sitting with a resident who was in her mid-50s. She was sharing with me about how her ex-husband had blackballed her and spread lies about her. She explained how he always seemed to come out without a blemish or wrinkle, and a smile to boot. I could feel her heartache and the defeat she felt at others believing things about her that weren't true. Loved ones, even.  She cared about what they thought.

I had an experience recently where I was filled with shame and doubt about myself. I had expressed an opinion quite passionately with a group of people who I sensed did not wholeheartedly agree. It wasn't that I believed what I said was somehow wrong. I know I made a valid point that I stick by. But, when I walked away I had the distinct feeling of being talked about, and not favorably. I wondered what they were thinking and was afraid I had offended someone. I found myself later trying to make up for it in subtle ways - trying to win back their approval (which I probably never lost) in order to make myself feel better.  I cared what they thought.

Isn't it something how a certain someone's face will come to mind when we have completed something or are about to make a decision and we can hear their voice disapproving? We can even see their facial expression and verbal tone. And, pretty soon it becomes a scenario where we are now mentally telling that person off and defending our decision! Most of the time, it's even someone we don't like that much and hardly respect! We end the dramatization by saying under our breath, "I couldn't give a rat's @$$ what they think." Even now, I'm wondering if I'll be judged for writing the word, "@$$." A donkey. Hasn't anyone ever heard of a donkey?

We care what people think.

But, this isn't always a bad thing. Caring about what others think can also help us stay out of trouble and make wise decisions.  How many of us have that one person who we really respect - a parent, grandparent, friend, boss, mentor? How many times do we wonder at their reaction and then act accordingly? How many times can we visualize them smiling and giving us a thumbs up? How many times do we hesitate before moving ahead, thinking of what they might say, and then pull back the reigns? The opinions of those we trust and love are important. They can be a wonderful guide as we walk through life. Their voices matter and should be considered.

Included in this caring about what others think, I want to say that we are often more popular in our own head than we are with other people. We think of ourselves way more than others think of us. I would guess that half the time when we are worried about what someone else is thinking, they're actually thinking about what they want on their pizza or what TV show they're going to watch, not you!

I do want to acknowledge the pain of this particular struggle, though. Some of us are bigger people pleasers than others. Some have been tossed to and fro so many times that others' opinions weigh heavier than necessary. There is no condemnation. We all come at this from a different place. In some situations you may care very much about people's opinions and in another situation, it really won't matter to you. It could be as simple as not getting enough sleep the night before or as complicated as a battered suitcase full of stuff we're dragging around. 

People do hurt us. People can talk. Some of it's true and some of it's not and sometimes that doesn't even matter. It is a solitary road at times walking through this life. When I think of the resident who talked to me about her ex-husband, that is no small thing to walk through with shoulders back and chin up. It takes enormous self-control and maturity to not defend oneself and to hold closely to the heart what one knows as truth.

Psalm 118: 6-9 "The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes."

Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." 

I am so far from even remotely mastering not caring what anybody thinks that it is almost laughable God inspired me to write about it. But, I am not without growth in this area, either. God's word is full of the definition of who you are. THE REAL DEFINITION. The more immersed you are in God's word and the more you cultivate an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, the better equipped you are to value those opinions worth valuing. In addition, you are better equipped to hear the voice of God, whose thoughts about you and your life circumstances far outshine anyone else's.

Another practice I have found valuable, is being my own counselor. The other day when I had the experience of wondering what my peers thought and the subsequent shame, I had to step back and re-evaluate. I mentally ran through the scenario as an observer. I came to the conclusion that I hadn't done anything wrong and that what I spoke about was legitimate and done in a respectable way. I had used my voice well. Of course, after evaluating, the opposite could have been true just as easily. In those instances, we may need to remedy the situation, or maybe even offer an apology. And, that's okay, too!

Lastly, what has been freeing for me is being honest with myself. The fact is, I do care about what other people think. Just saying it out loud somehow lessens the brute authority of it. It's like, oh well and okay, and somehow that feels good! I don't sound more cool, sassy, cute, or tough by saying, "I don't care what anyone thinks." Let's get real!

Some voices matter and they should. Others don't, and they should not. We can grow at better deciphering that as we also grow and abide in the unconditional love of Jesus Christ.