Where is the Connection?

There is no time in history like today to feel the painful effects of disconnection from people. Quarantining, social distancing, fear of others, and even mask wearing have all served to encourage an already disconnected society inflamed by every technology under the sun. It seems like the more ways we have to communicate, the less we are actually communicating. As I laid in bed in the early morning hours I thought about a conversation I recently had with someone. This person had been profoundly let down by friends who didn't show up to something important and it wasn't the first time. It is easy to express compassion, love, and support with the tap of a screen and something altogether different to actually show up. Words can be cheap and even cheaper are the ones typed out when no action is behind them. We have all done it and we have all been the recipient of this.  

I sat with a resident the other day and her posture spoke of shame and wanting to be invisible. We talked about this and I could tell that she desperately wanted to be seen even as she wanted to hide. When I brought this up, she actually made eye contact with me, shrugged, and half smiled in the saddest of ways. People are desperate to be seen, heard, and known. People's mental, physical, and spiritual health are deteriorating for lack of connection. I need to ask myself and ask you as well, how are we contributing to this? You can get 1,000 likes and lots of attention on social media but make no mistake, that is not synonymous with connection and relationship. And, we all know it. We feel it in our heart, mind, and body. We can speak about relationship and love, but if it is not backed up by action, the words fall flat and are empty. Sometimes, I think we are all the biggest bunch of hypocrites. While I say this bluntly, I promise that I also say it gently. With increased ways to communicate with people all over the world and under our own roof, we actually sort of suck at relating and connecting. I know I speak for many of you who have put time and effort into extending invites, organizing events, reaching out to a friend, asking a simple question via a text message, and being completely ignored. I have come to a place, and it has taken a while, to not take this personally (at least for the most part). Communication styles vary like the weather. We all come from a different place when it comes to relating and the expression of relationship looks differently as well. That being said, we have got to get better. We have to be better about being intentional. We have to be better about GIVING and RECEIVING. Face to face and real attunement with others almost feels like a thing of the past. I notice that it is better with the older generation. In my parents' neighborhood everyone seems to know each other and looks out for each other. Conversations are had in the street, on the sidewalk and on each other's front porches. Dinners and coffees are shared over tables together. Eye contact is made, it's safe, lovely, and relational. HEALTHY. 

I grew up with a kitchen that was always full of people. Coffee was on and something homemade in the oven. I laugh out loud as I affectionately think of all the fighting that also took place in our kitchen, loud voices, people talking over each other, laughing, tears, and just simply hanging out. Friends, family, and neighbors were always welcome. I understand that not everyone came from that. I understand that we all bring something different to who we are and what we are comfortable with. That being said, I don't even want to focus on our background, gifts, and even comfort level. We can all make an effort. We can all pick up the phone and call. We can check in and follow up with each other. We can extend invitations. We can actually respond to a text or an email. We can RSVP when we are invited to a party or get together. Ignoring people is rude. It's bad manners. And, it hurts. This goes for everyone regardless of communication style. When did we lose this and why do we think it's okay? How can we do better? I am not writing this so we can think of that one person who we know or how we have been hurt, though I know that is what will come up as it has for me. I'm writing so that we can each be personally accountable. I am writing so we can sit back and ponder this. Can we each think of a way, even today, to actually connect with another human being? Can we let someone know that we see and hear them? That we love them? Can we initiate this and not always wait for someone else? Can we be real, vulnerable and authentic with another person? Can we dig out the birthday party invitation and give that person the respect of an RSVP? Respond to an email? Answer someone? It's time to put away excuses before all we have are a human race flailing miserably for something that is entirely doable and something that is GOOD.

Dee M. Kostelyk