Time for a New Recliner?

While personal growth and breakthrough can be dramatic and quick, most of the time it is a process and a long time in the making. It is little by little and day by day making it difficult at times to sense whether progress has even been made. But, sure and steady is good. Sure and steady until our last breath.

This morning, I was feeling good. Really good. Yesterday, I had a fruitful counseling session where it felt good to be told that the progress I was making was obvious. Last night I had a last-minute visit from family I had not seen in way too long and it did my soul good. This morning, I stepped on the scale and was down 9 lbs from where I started a couple months ago. Later, I used my voice to speak on a matter that meant something to me. That felt good as well. Writers aren't supposed to overuse words but you know what? "Good" feels good! In mental health we often challenge "good" and encourage further reflection about what that means. However, this morning, I'm liking "good!" It's plenty good enough! Alright. ALRIGHT.

You know something, though? It felt a little weird. A little unsettling. Maybe I was feeling a little too confident. A little cocky, perhaps? Surely, there must be some sin mixed into this good feeling. Surely, something was going to knock me off my high horse any minute. Maybe the scale was broken, maybe I was in denial about my grief, maybe I'm supposed to be more humble, and maybe I'm not that valuable. Ah. Maybe that was all a little more familiar and cozy. And, miserable. It sounds like this may have taken a few hours but it was actually more like a few seconds. I was walking into the kitchen to heat up my coffee with my shoulders back and my head high and I was like, whoaaa, what's this good that I'm feeling? Is this allowed? 

Isn't it something how we strive to improve the quality of our life and do a ton of internal work, only to put the brakes on and skid to a stop when we start feeling a breakthrough? Yet, it is common. It is a sort of crossroads where we can choose to move within victory which may take a little bravery or walk right back to Misery Lane and our well-worn ugly recliner. What are we going to do? I had to give myself a 30-second pep talk while my coffee heated in the microwave and I felt better. Still weird. But, good. A good weird.

Later, I read some more in 1 Kings which is what I had been studying, lately. I was in chapter 19 where Elijah went to Mount Horeb and stayed in a cave. I never really noticed it before but God asked him twice "What are you doing here, Elijah?" There is something about someone using your name and in this instance it's almost like God was demanding Elijah's attention. God asked him this question before he presented in the powerful wind, the earthquake, the fire, and the gentle whisper, and again afterward. Both times Elijah answered exactly the same, word for word. You may remember but prior to this, Elijah was feeling pretty burned out, defeated and sort of like, "what's-the-use-anyway." He had arrived at a place that I could relate to. It was understandable considering the time, heart, and energy he had put into carrying out God's ministry. Of course, God was still providing for him every step of the way, but just like us, he was filled with doubts, fatigue, and confusion. I had to read this a couple times and imagine myself as Elijah standing near the mouth of the cave seeing these powerful representations of God before me. I felt like maybe I would have been hoping for comfort, a little lifeline, a little "I'm proud of you and the work you've done." First, was the all-powerful Lion in nature as a reminder of Who was on the throne followed by not just a whisper, but the Bible called it a "gentle whisper." Man, what a moment as Elijah pulled the cloak over his face and went out to the voice of his God. Something both tender and powerful must have transpired in those moments; something that healed the pain Elijah was experiencing which brought him back into himself with shoulders squared and chin up. God gave him new instructions and in it allowed him to know that there were many left in Israel who loved the Lord as he did. He really was not alone in that sense. His God in Heaven had never left him, either. God said, "go" so Elijah went, knowing who he was and Who he belonged to.

I loved the reading. I loved the truth of what the Spirit conveyed to me. Go, girl, go. This is the right condition for the woman who follows Jesus. I want to get more used to THIS kind of quality. Bring on the new because it'll help me with the old. There is often one foot in both places and that's okay.  I do have to say though, that the old and ugly recliner is starting to look less and less appealing. Praise God for that. It might be time for a better resting place!

Dee M. Kostelyk