Being somewhat introverted while also an external processor has at times driven me up the wall. I like peace and quiet. I like solitude. I don't mind being by myself. Many times, I have no desire to talk and have nothing to say, either. Yet, sometimes I have this incessant need to process and tell someone my story. It doesn't matter if it's the story about what happened in the drive-thru or some profound moment I experienced in my day. I have to speak about it and if that's not an option, then I have a strong urge to at least write about it. Lucky you. Hence, today's blog.
I feel like this is generally more specific to women, (although I do feel men may have their own way) of needing to focus on details, explain ourselves, repeat sentences, fixate on how we feel and ruminate. Often, it's accompanied by one phone call after another to any live human with a set of ears who can occasionally say, "uh-huh" during pauses in our rant. This is not necessarily a criticism. Some of it can be a rather healthy release so that the dog doesn't get kicked (or anyone else) when we get home. Sometimes, we just need to listen to someone's rant or go on one, ourselves. I get that.
I know I use examples from work all the time but my job is a big part of my life and quite the classroom for learning. The question I was thinking about this morning was, "Is it productive?" Countless times I have sat down with residents needing to get something off their chest and sort of "lose it" for a few minutes. Many times after talking through an issue, the resident is more regulated and able to think with better clarity. Sometimes, we even come up with a plan together on how to proceed. All becomes well, they are healed, and I am the mighty healer until ten minutes later when I hear this same resident telling the exact same story to someone else while dropping f-bombs and wildly gesturing with their hands. Repeat that scenario two more times with an added door slam and it's not even lunch time yet.
But, you know what? That used to be me. Maybe not exactly, but a lot the same. I had this (what I thought) deep need to be heard and validated all the time. It was almost a feeling of panic on the inside. A desperation that came from somewhere deep. Actually, it reminds me of a very early memory that I have. I am guessing I was maybe around 3 years old. It was before microwaves, when parents used to heat baby bottles of milk on the stove in boiling water. I had dragged a chair over to the counter so I could reach a box of cereal. I ended up knocking the cereal box over which started on fire after falling on the hot burner. I remember standing at the back door knocking feebly on the glass in an effort to get my dad's attention outside. I still remember feeling completely panic-stricken only made worse because I knew my dad couldn't hear me. I don't remember anything else about that story except what I just shared. (My house did not burn down and I clearly did not die).
It is getting a little bit below the surface to acknowledge my need to be heard and validated. No doubt, that was true. But, I now know if I go even further, the real feeling was one of non-being. The belief was that I didn't deserve to even exist. If I could just talk about the scenario and who did what, and how painful it was, and I could run it into the ground and repeat it over and over, somehow that would've given me a right to exist. Sadly though, it's a bit like chasing after the wind because while being heard and validated goes a long way in healing, there really is more. We know this is true because of the times when we have genuinely been heard and validated but continue to ruminate and repeat the story whether to someone else or in our own head. It does not mean something is wrong with us and nor does it discount our experience. It just means that maybe we have not considered what we are believing in our core.
If you are finding yourself running to people (or this or that) all the time when you are emotionally charged, it is okay to breathe, pause, and think. Delay the urge. Stop and consider what you are actually feeling. When you get to those feelings (and it's helpful to name a few) start thinking about what you are believing about yourself, your life, or even others. Put it in your palms and hold it up to yourself. Look at it. Offer it to God and ask Him what He thinks.
I believe there is a reason why God instructs us to "be still" (Psalm 46:10) and says, "The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still." (Exodus 14:14) I think it is because sometimes being quiet and letting go is the most helpful and healing. The urge to run to people all the time for validation, in some ways, is not much different than the urge to grab a drink or wolf down 5 brownies in the break room when no one is looking.
If you struggle with this, it is hard not to pick up that phone, shoot five texts, talk to your neighbor, or run 50 scenarios in your head on repeat for a few hours. Trust me. I KNOW. But, I also know what has made a difference for me and those are the questions I mentioned above in regard to feelings and beliefs. I would also add again, "Is this going to be productive?"
The truth is that while you may feel lonely, frustrated, and even like you want to crawl out of your skin, you can do this. You can pause. You can distract yourself. You can pray. You can go for a walk. You can write (no kidding). There are a slew of things you can do including offering your lament to God. Take the things you would say to a friend and say them to God, instead. You are going to have to practice this many times for a good while before it starts feeling pretty normal and natural. But, I guarantee that you will have far more peace than you had chasing after the wind and feeling panic-stricken that no one was hearing you. The other benefits to this are that you will cultivate a deep friendship with your Abba Father, find relief and peace, genuine solutions, wisdom, less fatigue and headaches, and more fun and joy. It is a huge win all around. These are the kinds of things that we can hold and keep unlike the wind which blows through our fingers and away.
People are gifts. God did not intend for us to walk through this life alone. However, people are not magic pills and quiet can be good for us. There needs to be balance and if you feel out of balance in this area, that's okay. No big deal. I have most certainly not arrived anywhere but am doing better than before. Changing in this area is possible and you are worth it. A little bit at a time. God is in it with you and He loves you.
Dee M. Kostelyk
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