Jesus Perspective

It's easy to misunderstand what people need because we come at it from our own experience or from some order of what we think is better. We can be hypocritical in our approach with others as well as naive, self-serving, and judgmental - none of which is helpful. To be fair, I think we can approach helping others in these manners without even realizing it. People generally mean well. Understanding, or at least seeking to understand where a person is coming from, is key.

We know the story of the homeless man who is helped with food, clothing, money, and shelter who actually seems to digress in this environment rather than thrive. He's not using the bed to sleep on or the hot shower to get clean from. He doesn't even seem all that grateful. In fact, he actually appears more depressed and ashamed. Maybe it is because his whole entire universe has been turned upside down. Everything he has known well has clashed with what he thought he wanted in his imagination all these years but now it is all muddled and confusing. He doesn't know how to proceed in this overwhelmingly frightening new way and under the false belief that he should feel better he is instead overcome with feelings of shame and failure. He is scratching is head. The people helping are scratching their heads. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

We see the woman who was helped by the judge who forgave all of her fines because she had fallen on hard times financially and health-wise. But, instead of our hearts being warmed by the judge's grace, we are hyper-focused on the fact that it seems this woman recently had a manicure. How DARE this poor woman do something that made her feel pretty and "normal" when she was too broke to pay her fines. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

Brand new mattresses were dropped off to an apartment for a mom and her kids so they had something to sleep on. A few weeks later the person who bought the mattresses stopped by only to see the mattresses still wrapped in plastic and leaning against the wall untouched. She was too afraid, too addicted, too exhausted, and too ashamed to set them up. He was angry and disgusted. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

We have the young couple with kids struggling to make ends meet and figure out ways they could be saving money one of which is for them to cancel their cable. That way, not only will they walk around under stress and pressure feeling like failures, but they should not have something that might provide a little relief and joy. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

We see the woman who appears to have everything that we ourselves would love - money, nice house, nice cars, nice kids, and a nice husband. So, we really do not want to hear about her traumatic history or how she suffers with depression. She doesn't really need our help. After all, she could probably pay for whatever it is that she would need. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

We see the man who owns a successful business and a beautiful home who loves the Lord end up getting arrested for something pretty insane. We can't imagine reaching out to him because he's rich and was probably asking for trouble, anyway. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and don't get it.

We hear the lament of a woman crying in grief, again. And, again. We know that when our loved one died we were able to move on and we kept much of our grief to ourselves. Jesus got us through and so we send this woman a devotional about focusing on blessings believing this will help her have stronger faith and feel better. We look at this from our own unhelpful perspective and we don't get it.

We see the person with the little money they have buying another pack of cigarettes.

There is the neighbor once again engaging us in an angry discussion about politics.

It can't be that our phone is ringing with THAT person.

We don't really want those two women at our Bible study.

Our church is not a resale shop, social service agency, or hospital.

How can anyone be angry at God? She is sinning.

When we hand out the free stuff, they come out like flies.

"Those people" will lie to you in a heartbeat.

If she wasn't dressed like a slut, it wouldn't have happened to her.

That one posted video was hilarious. You know, the one where the woman is recording her husband gagging as he recalled the way a homeless woman smelled? It got thousands of views and likes. 

Or, the video plastered across social media of the guy making fun of the girl sitting in front of him who had a cockroach crawling in her hair? That was hilarious also.

The assumptions we make about pretty women.

The assumptions we make about addicts.

The assumptions we make about the poor and the rich.

The assumptions we make about anyone who doesn't think or behave like we do.

The areas we won't touch. The neighborhoods we won't go into. The people we won't associate with.

The hard earned cash we won't let go of....especially for him, or her, or that.

The pain we cannot relate to.

The invitations we don't extend.

The scripture we abuse and misuse.

The advice we freely hand out.

The door we shut.

The eyes we close.

The heart we harden.

The self we refuse to examine.

Ouch. 

Bear with me. It's not all bad and neither are we. We just often don't get it. We don't want to. We think we know already. We think we're right. And oftentimes, we don't think, period. All of us. I've come at things from a picket fence and my head in the sand more times than I can count. I've reacted harshly and with judgment. I've thought that I knew better and was wiser. I've given opinions on things I couldn't comprehend. I've been a real pompous sensible and efficient jerk of a person. Trust me. 

I have also been on the receiving end of that seeming sensibility and it hurts. We probably all have or we will, eventually.

Those scenarios above are real life examples I've experienced and been a part of, personally and as an observer. When you offend Jesus's kids, you offend Jesus. 

"Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." James 1:19 

Coming alongside others and listening, is ministry. One of the greatest things we can offer a hurting person is a safe space to be seen and heard without judgment. If that has ever been offered to you, then you know what I'm talking about. We don't always have to have an answer or a solution. Sometimes it's that silent attunement with another that does the most healing. It is sitting WITH. Crying WITH. But, we have to desire to be that kind of person and I think for most people that does not come naturally. We have to practice listening and seeking to understand with the help of the Holy Spirit. A simple prayer is, "Lord, help me be someone who sees and hears people."

When we are focused on the woman's manicure and not how she was helped, are we understanding that is a "me" problem and nothing about her? When we have helped someone and they did not respond how we thought they should have, it's a good time to pause and pray. "Lord, help me to see through your eyes." AND "Lord, give me wisdom."

When we are angry about the (seeming) messes being brought into our church whether bags of clothing, messy kitchens and jammed freezers, people smelling like booze or who are high, fighting couples, wayward teenagers, jobless, homeless, sick, or the just plain unlikable, we need to examine that anger and hold it under a microscope. Where is it coming from and why? What is the discomfort? "Lord, help me understand this emotion." As far as I have ever read in scripture, the earliest church was a social service agency. Jesus was a walking church. He healed, fed, and clothed. He hung on the cross for all of us beggars and we can choose life because of HIM. Talk about a beggar getting a choice. There you go. 

For the record, God doesn't make messes. A life can have messy things in it, but a person should never be called a mess. It offends that person's Creator.

Sometimes our words or actions of help come from a self-serving place and we don't even realize it. What I mean is that we will do for another what makes us feel more comfortable in a situation we have no control over. We don't really think about what would actually be most helpful for a person, but rather what makes us feel better. Like filling out a budget sheet with a couple and sending them on their way. Or writing a check to the single mom when what she really needs is for someone to take her car, fill it up with gas, get the oil changed, and run it through the car wash so that when she sits behind the wheel she feels like one part of her life is up to par. Believe it or not, people who are struggling also like to have fun. I know. Who would've thought? Sometimes, the practical is not what is needed. Sometimes that woman needs a gift card to TJ Maxx so at least she can feel pretty for a day and not like something the cat dragged in. Sometimes, that guy who has been caring for his sick wife, needs a steak dinner or day on the golf course. Your treat. Your wealthy friend? Don't think for a second she wouldn't love to receive a $5 gift card to Dunkin' Donuts. Her friends don't do stuff like that for her because they think she doesn't need it. She can get her own coffee. Ah, but her HEART needs it. That's the point, here. When she gets that coffee she will think about you and feel loved.

We don't always have to understand in order to help. Sometimes, we have to look beyond the surface and see God's child. That's it. We may not get it. We may not agree. That's okay. Help, because it's the right thing to do. Remember, that our experiences shape how we see others and what we see may not be accurate. There is often more to the story. People are multi-dimensional. We need to look through more than just the lens of our own perspective if we want to make a difference.

I'm utterly thankful for the way I know Jesus looks at me. I admit that sometimes it gets no further than a head knowledge. It's a struggle to believe in His lavish love with no conditions. It is. Yet, He has been the safest place I've EVER been. There is no one like Him. There will never be a person who understands me better or loves me more fully AS IS like Jesus. He knows all the good and bad. He's the past, present and future. He sees so much more than Dee with the brown eyes and hair. SO. MUCH. MORE. And, He listens. Boy, does He listen. He's gotten an ear full on many occasion. Thank you, patient Jesus!

If we could just see others even a little bit like He sees, I honestly believe we would be more at peace in our relationships and in our efforts to make a difference in this world. We would make more of an impact and isn't that what we want, anyway? We need a Jesus-perspective and a lot of help maturing in that sense. It's hard but if we are willing students, God sure makes for a great teacher. 

You are loved.

"God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life though him. This is real love - not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other." 1 John 9: 4-11

Dee M. Kostelyk

Not So Divided

The ongoing rhetoric in the media, most especially today, is how divided we are as a country. In my lifetime, I can't remember such large division on all kinds of levels. There is almost something puffed up about it - weirdly proud. Our personal divisiveness somehow makes us smarter and better than the naive peacemaker. We gloat in it even as much as we find seemingly moral disdain for it.

But, what if we aren't as divided as what we are being told we are? What if we have fallen prey to the loud speakers? What if one of satan's oldest tricks is working better now than ever before? Lie. Divide. Lie. Conquer. There is some truth to behaving how people view us. Tell us how divided we are 365 days a year, highlight those divisions, pay homage to them, cry evil while greedily stirring the pot, and wha-lah. We have mistrust, confusion, woundedness, MISCOMMUNICATION, anger, and even hatred. All, for what? 

Robert Shaw wrote a book called, Created for Significance: Discovering Who Defines Us and How We Obtain our Significance. In it, he talks about how each of us, regardless of culture, ethnicity, age, or gender, have six core longings. They are: love, safety, understanding, belonging, purpose, and significance. I wonder what would happen if we were to randomly pick out 50 people from throughout the United States today and put them in a room together? What if we simply went around the room and shared who we were, where we came from, something that gave us joy, and something we felt concerned about? From there, let's say the groups broke up into ten groups of five and at those tables they had to discuss 7 significant ways they differed from one another. After all of those significant differences were mentioned to the whole group and written down, the next exercise would be to discuss 7 significant things the tables had in common. Again, those would be shared to the whole group and written down. The last exercise would be to talk about 7 significant ways they understood, related to, and/or connected to one another. This would be different than having something in common. We can hold something in common with someone and still not connect. Yes, I'm such a nerd. These are things I think about. But, imagine with me what this might look like. I actually picture a fair amount of harmony. Yet, imagine these same people communicating while hiding behind a screen and keyboard and not in person. I have a feeling there wouldn't be much harmony because we'd be too stuck on the differences and subsequent insults to get to the similarities. That would be despite the fact that at our core, we were quite the same. But, who has time for that.

My job has been good for me in the sense that it has opened my eyes and heart from the all white, suburban, mostly Dutch and Christian background I grew up in to (real) life. I now sit with women of all different religions and practices. I hear stories of profound trauma and abuse. I learn about different races and cultures. I learn about different family systems. I learn about transgender lifestyles. I hear funny stories and tragic stories. I see all kinds of unique talent and intelligence. I see different levels of functioning. I'm inspired by vulnerability, authenticity and bravery like I've never seen before. Forget Republican and Democrat. It is a colorful group VASTLY different than not just me, but from each other. And, in those walls there is an acceptance and grace not readily seen on the outside. 

For reasons I'm not going to explain at the moment, I have been without a TV for 6 months and I surprisingly haven't missed it. Once in a while I'll be somewhere where a TV is on and the incessant fear inducing chatter feels like nails on a chalkboard to me; like an assault on my spirit. For real. I have been BLISSFULLY ignorant of a lot and I have no regrets about it. But, that is me and I certainly wouldn't suggest that it should be for you. I have a lot of quiet and solitude and that seems to suit who I am. It also enables me to work in a job where I have to be "on" and where crisis management is frequent. So, when I watched about 5 minutes of live election coverage from my phone this morning and REPEATEDLY heard the United States described as divided, it got me thinking about some of the things I've written. I even did a search in scripture about it.

I do not always like The Message translation of scripture but I did for this particular passage written by Paul and found in 1 Corinthians 9: 19-23 "Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized - whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearing in Christ - but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in it."

It is GOOD to come alongside people where they are at. Really, haven't you found that when you come alongside someone, especially someone who is vastly different than you, that you actually find more in common than you ever imagined?  I see people under immense pressure, tripping because of pain, and pointing angry fingers without even remotely understanding WHY. We make it about abortion, race, religion, immigration, political party and so forth, but is it, really? Don't get me wrong. Those are hot buttons and important, but the rage? Throwing stones? Ending friendships? Sanctimonious high horses? We would do well to consider our own words and actions. We don't go home and kick the dog because the dog is bad. We go home and kick the dog because WE feel badly. And, that's the key. What is making us feel badly? And, what is keeping us, especially followers of Jesus, from being the kind of person Paul is talking about? That's not on "them." That is on us. Shoot, but it is. 

Whose world do we need to enter? Who is it that we need to seek to understand? Or, WHAT is it? I really don't believe for a second that we are all that divided. On the surface, maybe. But, underneath? Not so much. So, choose not to be divisive. I love the word "servant" used in the above scripture. What a great image that word brings to mind. How can we be a servant? How can we reach a wide range of people?  It most certainly will not be with our self-righteous opinions. It will be by coming alongside people in a real and human way, with humility and love.

John 13:35 says, "Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." The world is watching. We can do this.

Do We Know?

When our head is a mess, we've been rejected and betrayed, the dishes are in the sink, the bills are due, the inspiration is waning, our bodies are giving way, craving what we can't have, and can't find what we're looking for, do we know we are loved by God? I don't. I mean, I do. But. Not. Totally. Do we know He is on our side? 

The other day I was talking with a resident who shared with me through tears how depressed she felt. The (false) guilt of this was written all over as she anxiously kept trying to tuck stray strands of hair behind her ears that didn't want to stay put. She told me that her husband had been wonderful and caring but that she didn't want to talk with him because she felt she had nothing good to share. She didn't want him to worry about her. She also shared how the night before she didn't want to talk about it with God, either. She was afraid. She did not know how to approach God in this depressed state and she felt that by acknowledging her depression, it would not just make it more real, but it would define her. She placed her hand over her heart and said, "I would become depression." She told me she felt lonely. She didn't articulate this, but I could feel that she was afraid of being sucked into a hole she would never be found in again.

We teeter on that edge, don't we? It is an exhausting space because we are navigating all the time. We are trying to keep one foot in front of the other while holding more than we can carry. We are trying to be good. We are trying to be okay. We want desperately to be enough and for someone to acknowledge that "enoughness." 

I make it a practice that when I go to bed for the night, I stay there. I try to stay away from checking my phone and if I can't sleep I don't get up. I pray, I think, I try to relax, and I hope to get back to sleep. But, I don't get up. A lot of that is just a thing for me but it also has to do with having to get up very early for my shifts. I don't have the luxury (or misery) of messing around in the middle of the night doing who knows what. But, at around 3:30 a.m. I found myself taking the freedom to get up. I wrapped a blanket around myself and sat on the deck in the dark. I slumped down in the chair so I could lay my head back and I looked at the sky and the trees. It was beautiful, quiet, and breezy. My favorite. I also felt entirely sad and alone. You know where that hits? Right below my heart. That's the spot for me. Like the resident placing her hand over her heart, I can place my hand over 'sad and lonely,' These things take residence inside of us whether we realize it or not.

I started thinking back to the resident I had talked with and how I addressed each of her concerns. I suggested she talk with her husband about needing a break from communication for a few days while she got acclimated to treatment and focused on herself. We talked about the difference between saying, "I am depressed" and "I am feeling depressed." I shared about how depressed David was in the Psalms and we talked about how healthy and important it is to lament and what that looks like. I shared about how God is only interested in our authentic and real self. He is not only interested, but that is who He welcomes. Lastly, we talked about feeling alone and how when we don't feel well we tend to be inward focused and that is a lonely place. No one can walk our pain in our place but that doesn't mean we can't walk, and it doesn't mean that the Lord isn't in it with us. 

Do we know we are loved by God? There is no doubt of my love FOR Him. In the last four and a half years it has grown immensely. But, recently, someone asked me if I felt the same depth of love from God for myself. That kind of stopped me. I hadn't given it much thought. Do I feel loved by God? Not always. He is loving but I don't always feel deserving of that love. I realized that I had to work at experiencing the feeling. It's hard when human experiences have made you question your value and worth to then be able to experience love coming from a majestic and holy God. It's not that I don't. It's just that I don't fully walk in it the way God intends. He is pouring it out upon me but my heart, mind, and eyes are too broken to receive. Too preoccupied with stuff. Too busy. Too ashamed. Too uncomfortable. It has become a prayer of mine that the Lord would allow me to experience His love in my days. It's new and I'm working at it. One of the many great attributes of Jesus Christ is that He is a wonderful teacher. So, I'm learning.

In regard to sharing with the resident about how God is only interested in our true and authentic self, that has been part of this journey of receiving God's love. I've read plenty of devotionals and heard messages about how God loves us in our brokenness. But, I feel like most of us come away thinking that means "a little surface messy brokenness." He will forgive my anger, how I gossiped at work, how I doubted His faithfulness, or swore under my breath at the person who cut me off. But, if we were to get real, do we believe that God loves us when we revel in evil? When we've sought it out and played with it? When we ran far away from Him when no one was looking? When we have been in the pit and fallout of our own stinking mess? Keep in mind that these aren't simply conditions, although they certainly can be. We can experience these things in the midst of much good and normalcy. We are human. Does God still love us at our very, very worst? YES. THE CROSS. When He came to you in the middle of the night. When you got the phone call with good news. When you got the kind text. When you received mercy from someone you hurt. When you sat on the floor of your room and He took your hands and pulled you up. When you told Him your sin, said you were sorry, and felt Him dry your tears. In all sorts of ways in all kinds of days, God loves us unconditionally. 

I'm big on lament. I think it is one of the healthiest communications we can have with the Lord and it is a great developer of intimacy in our relationship with Him. Pour your heart out. Tell him your thoughts. Dreams. Hurts. Sins. Agonies. He is your Abba Dad. It is cleansing to process our lives with the One who knit us in our mother's womb. As a result of this lamenting process, praise pours from us into the heart of Jesus. Gratitude. Relief. It helps us become better and feel better. And, it will definitely take the edge off of loneliness.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to KNOW THIS LOVE THAT SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." WOW. Ephesians 3:16-19

When It's Unavoidable

Peace. I have had a lot of it in the last few days. Thank you, Jesus! This morning I woke up and had a thought that I wanted to guard that peace with all that I had. 

As I was thinking more about peace and even joy, I thought about the kinds of quotes floating out there that make me cringe such as:

"You'll never find inner peace of mind until you listen to your heart." (What does that even mean?)

"You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy. Somebody who won't complicate your life. Somebody who won't hurt you. (Is that "somebody" even human?)

"Being happy is the greatest form of success." (Really? The greatest form of success? So, if I'm depressed or struggling I must be a loser. Ok. Got it.)

"Psychologists say, once you learn how to be happy you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less." (I'd like to know which Psychologist(s) have said this.)

"We don't realize that somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme self who is eternally at peace." (My supreme self is having a good laugh at this poetic piece of crap.)

Hopefully, I made my point as to why I cringe. These are the kind of collective messages we are bombarded with from all sorts of media and books. They are bought and believed hook, line and sinker. But, we live in the real world and in the real world we will always have people and situations that can threaten our peace and joy. We could always move by ourselves to a cabin in Tristan Da Cunha (Yeah, I looked this up and it's the most remote livable place on Earth) but we would still be hanging out with ourselves. God knows that it doesn't take much to think ourselves straight out of peace and joy without help from anyone else. 

The message that we have to get rid of anyone or anything negative in order to feel good is false. It's impossible. Instead, it's more helpful to learn how to live with negativity that we can't avoid, change or didn't plan on. 

I started by talking about how peaceful I have felt in the last few days and how I wanted to guard that. The Bible is clear about guarding our heart and mind, and peace is a part of that. Philippians 4:7 says, "Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." But, that is a partnership between myself and God. It is actually not dependent on others or my situation. Thank God! Literally. 

Recently, I had a conversation with someone who encouraged me to prepare ahead of time when I knew I would be walking into a difficult situation or interacting with a difficult person. He pointed out that I was (emotionally) running a daily marathon that was depleting me. 

The fact is, we have roles in life that are going to take us through hard stuff we cannot avoid. We have families. Spouses. Kids. Parents. Co-workers. Bosses. Neighbors. Friends. Not all of them are easy. We aren't always easy, either. If it's not people, then it's circumstances like mental and physical health, finances, our work environment, and home life etc. 

It is true that there are certain people and situations we can walk away from or at least avoid. When that is an option and one God has encouraged, we should do that and feel okay about it. When we are especially vulnerable, there may be times when we need to stay away or say, "no." That is also true. 

I'm talking more about the reality of life. Instead of the false message that we should shed anyone and everything who is negative to achieve peace, we need to learn how to hold and guard peace in spite of and in the midst of. We need to be equipped.

Prayer is huge, especially for the one you feel you are coming up against. It is hard, but you can do it. 

Pray for what you are walking into. For example, a friend of mine shared about a family birthday party she had to go where there would be a lot of friction. Sometimes, we have to be there and there isn't a choice. But, we do have a choice in how we prepare and in what spirit we walk through the door. Pray for your family by name. Pray for the home and property. Pray for yourself. And, put on the armor of God. I'm going to quote all of Ephesians 6: 10-17 because I think it's important. "A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will STILL BE STANDING FIRM. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God." There is great preparation right there. In fact, it's a good way to start your day no matter what because we never know what we will come up against.

When you leave the person or situation, pray again. Ask the Lord to remove anything that isn't of Him. We can feel safe. We can have peace and joy. God has equipped us wonderfully and in that we also have His protection. 

I would rather learn how to do tough things with the help of God than avoid what is actually unavoidable. 

He will always make a way for us. 

Written by,

Dee M. Kostelyk

I Don't Care what Anyone Thinks

 "I don't care what anyone thinks" is a phrase that feels good rolling off the tongue, lie though it is. We would like to think we are too old to care and far too mature for anyone's opinion of us to matter. Shoot, but we see it from the young toddler vying for his mom's attention to see his wooden block tower, all the way to the 62 year old top executive who takes a second in the bathroom to breathe wondering what his peers thought of his proposal. In an instant, anything from a stain on our shirt to putting our heart and soul into a project for everyone to see, can reduce us to being as valuable as what another person thinks of us. 

The other day I was sitting with a resident who was in her mid-50s. She was sharing with me about how her ex-husband had blackballed her and spread lies about her. She explained how he always seemed to come out without a blemish or wrinkle, and a smile to boot. I could feel her heartache and the defeat she felt at others believing things about her that weren't true. Loved ones, even.  She cared about what they thought.

I had an experience recently where I was filled with shame and doubt about myself. I had expressed an opinion quite passionately with a group of people who I sensed did not wholeheartedly agree. It wasn't that I believed what I said was somehow wrong. I know I made a valid point that I stick by. But, when I walked away I had the distinct feeling of being talked about, and not favorably. I wondered what they were thinking and was afraid I had offended someone. I found myself later trying to make up for it in subtle ways - trying to win back their approval (which I probably never lost) in order to make myself feel better.  I cared what they thought.

Isn't it something how a certain someone's face will come to mind when we have completed something or are about to make a decision and we can hear their voice disapproving? We can even see their facial expression and verbal tone. And, pretty soon it becomes a scenario where we are now mentally telling that person off and defending our decision! Most of the time, it's even someone we don't like that much and hardly respect! We end the dramatization by saying under our breath, "I couldn't give a rat's @$$ what they think." Even now, I'm wondering if I'll be judged for writing the word, "@$$." A donkey. Hasn't anyone ever heard of a donkey?

We care what people think.

But, this isn't always a bad thing. Caring about what others think can also help us stay out of trouble and make wise decisions.  How many of us have that one person who we really respect - a parent, grandparent, friend, boss, mentor? How many times do we wonder at their reaction and then act accordingly? How many times can we visualize them smiling and giving us a thumbs up? How many times do we hesitate before moving ahead, thinking of what they might say, and then pull back the reigns? The opinions of those we trust and love are important. They can be a wonderful guide as we walk through life. Their voices matter and should be considered.

Included in this caring about what others think, I want to say that we are often more popular in our own head than we are with other people. We think of ourselves way more than others think of us. I would guess that half the time when we are worried about what someone else is thinking, they're actually thinking about what they want on their pizza or what TV show they're going to watch, not you!

I do want to acknowledge the pain of this particular struggle, though. Some of us are bigger people pleasers than others. Some have been tossed to and fro so many times that others' opinions weigh heavier than necessary. There is no condemnation. We all come at this from a different place. In some situations you may care very much about people's opinions and in another situation, it really won't matter to you. It could be as simple as not getting enough sleep the night before or as complicated as a battered suitcase full of stuff we're dragging around. 

People do hurt us. People can talk. Some of it's true and some of it's not and sometimes that doesn't even matter. It is a solitary road at times walking through this life. When I think of the resident who talked to me about her ex-husband, that is no small thing to walk through with shoulders back and chin up. It takes enormous self-control and maturity to not defend oneself and to hold closely to the heart what one knows as truth.

Psalm 118: 6-9 "The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes."

Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." 

I am so far from even remotely mastering not caring what anybody thinks that it is almost laughable God inspired me to write about it. But, I am not without growth in this area, either. God's word is full of the definition of who you are. THE REAL DEFINITION. The more immersed you are in God's word and the more you cultivate an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, the better equipped you are to value those opinions worth valuing. In addition, you are better equipped to hear the voice of God, whose thoughts about you and your life circumstances far outshine anyone else's.

Another practice I have found valuable, is being my own counselor. The other day when I had the experience of wondering what my peers thought and the subsequent shame, I had to step back and re-evaluate. I mentally ran through the scenario as an observer. I came to the conclusion that I hadn't done anything wrong and that what I spoke about was legitimate and done in a respectable way. I had used my voice well. Of course, after evaluating, the opposite could have been true just as easily. In those instances, we may need to remedy the situation, or maybe even offer an apology. And, that's okay, too!

Lastly, what has been freeing for me is being honest with myself. The fact is, I do care about what other people think. Just saying it out loud somehow lessens the brute authority of it. It's like, oh well and okay, and somehow that feels good! I don't sound more cool, sassy, cute, or tough by saying, "I don't care what anyone thinks." Let's get real!

Some voices matter and they should. Others don't, and they should not. We can grow at better deciphering that as we also grow and abide in the unconditional love of Jesus Christ. 

Where is the Connection?

There is no time in history like today to feel the painful effects of disconnection from people. Quarantining, social distancing, fear of others, and even mask wearing have all served to encourage an already disconnected society inflamed by every technology under the sun. It seems like the more ways we have to communicate, the less we are actually communicating. As I laid in bed in the early morning hours I thought about a conversation I recently had with someone. This person had been profoundly let down by friends who didn't show up to something important and it wasn't the first time. It is easy to express compassion, love, and support with the tap of a screen and something altogether different to actually show up. Words can be cheap and even cheaper are the ones typed out when no action is behind them. We have all done it and we have all been the recipient of this.  

I sat with a resident the other day and her posture spoke of shame and wanting to be invisible. We talked about this and I could tell that she desperately wanted to be seen even as she wanted to hide. When I brought this up, she actually made eye contact with me, shrugged, and half smiled in the saddest of ways. People are desperate to be seen, heard, and known. People's mental, physical, and spiritual health are deteriorating for lack of connection. I need to ask myself and ask you as well, how are we contributing to this? You can get 1,000 likes and lots of attention on social media but make no mistake, that is not synonymous with connection and relationship. And, we all know it. We feel it in our heart, mind, and body. We can speak about relationship and love, but if it is not backed up by action, the words fall flat and are empty. Sometimes, I think we are all the biggest bunch of hypocrites. While I say this bluntly, I promise that I also say it gently. With increased ways to communicate with people all over the world and under our own roof, we actually sort of suck at relating and connecting. I know I speak for many of you who have put time and effort into extending invites, organizing events, reaching out to a friend, asking a simple question via a text message, and being completely ignored. I have come to a place, and it has taken a while, to not take this personally (at least for the most part). Communication styles vary like the weather. We all come from a different place when it comes to relating and the expression of relationship looks differently as well. That being said, we have got to get better. We have to be better about being intentional. We have to be better about GIVING and RECEIVING. Face to face and real attunement with others almost feels like a thing of the past. I notice that it is better with the older generation. In my parents' neighborhood everyone seems to know each other and looks out for each other. Conversations are had in the street, on the sidewalk and on each other's front porches. Dinners and coffees are shared over tables together. Eye contact is made, it's safe, lovely, and relational. HEALTHY. 

I grew up with a kitchen that was always full of people. Coffee was on and something homemade in the oven. I laugh out loud as I affectionately think of all the fighting that also took place in our kitchen, loud voices, people talking over each other, laughing, tears, and just simply hanging out. Friends, family, and neighbors were always welcome. I understand that not everyone came from that. I understand that we all bring something different to who we are and what we are comfortable with. That being said, I don't even want to focus on our background, gifts, and even comfort level. We can all make an effort. We can all pick up the phone and call. We can check in and follow up with each other. We can extend invitations. We can actually respond to a text or an email. We can RSVP when we are invited to a party or get together. Ignoring people is rude. It's bad manners. And, it hurts. This goes for everyone regardless of communication style. When did we lose this and why do we think it's okay? How can we do better? I am not writing this so we can think of that one person who we know or how we have been hurt, though I know that is what will come up as it has for me. I'm writing so that we can each be personally accountable. I am writing so we can sit back and ponder this. Can we each think of a way, even today, to actually connect with another human being? Can we let someone know that we see and hear them? That we love them? Can we initiate this and not always wait for someone else? Can we be real, vulnerable and authentic with another person? Can we dig out the birthday party invitation and give that person the respect of an RSVP? Respond to an email? Answer someone? It's time to put away excuses before all we have are a human race flailing miserably for something that is entirely doable and something that is GOOD.

Dee M. Kostelyk

Progress Is Better Than No Progress

Lately, I've had to give thought to something that was getting downright on my nerves. It's always been a bit of a button pusher for me, but a recent experience had me taking a closer look.

I'm talking about people who act like their life is put together and they have no problems. Never mind that maybe their life IS in fact put together or that maybe they are just appropriately reserved. It annoys me.

Granted, there are those people who seem to one-up you in a subtly crappy way. Or, others who often give off false humility. Or, others who can hardly breathe for fear that the plaster might crack. And still others who seem to sniff out your vulnerability and then pounce on it. Those people. Ugh. Thank goodness I don't fit into any of those categories...

And when one of those kinds of people happen to ask how you're doing in this dripping wet sad cat kind of way, you mentally slap them, real quick like, not too hard, just a little sting, and tell them you're doing "fine."

Man Dee, what's up with you?

That's what God asked me recently. I was actually getting ready to go somewhere and found myself worked up creating imaginary scenarios in my head based in part on non-fiction, but honestly, a lot of fiction. What was it to me, anyway? For real? Sure, the facade some put on is annoying. When people actually do have a lot put together it can feel annoying as well. I am human after all. It makes me feel less than. That's a no brainer. But, why the intense and powerful feelings? Where was the heat in my face coming from? Why the spontaneous tears? This was when God got gentle and told me to work it through with Him. Key words "with him."

I realized without getting into it too much here, that I had been made to feel like "you poor thing" in the subtlest of ways going back a long time. Maybe "victim" would be a better word but the first description is far more felt. As I began to in essence, peel back the onion, I realized how a recent situation had triggered that response in me. I realized how in this area it was like having an open wound and when anything brushed up against it, ouch. God encouraged me to keep going. It wasn't that I just felt less than. I felt ashamed. Stupid. Dumb. My heart hurt. I felt of no worth. I felt deserving of disdain. Dismissed. More... Invisible. Like I shouldn't exist. Like I should be annihilated FROM. THE. PLANET. 

All this from someone giving off the vibe of or displaying a seemingly put together life? YES. Because it wasn't that person and it's not these people. It's me. It is because it elicited a response from me stemmed from years ago. It touched a hurt place in me not yet healed. But, for God. He pointed this out to me in the time it took to shower, get dressed and put my makeup on. We took the time together to figure some of this out. 

Whenever I feel myself getting heated or overreacting to a situation, it has become a practice for me to figure out what is actually going on. It seldom has to do with the situation itself. We people are funny. We are intricate. But, not too complicated when you start realizing why the 2 + 2 is giving you 4. 

The other day I walked into a resident's room at work. She was throwing a wooden box she had painted in art therapy at the wall. She picked up the pieces and threw those against the wall as well until the whole box was destroyed. I sat and let her finish. She was furious. Angry at her therapist. Angry at life. When all her energy was spent she sat on her bed, put her head in her hands, and cried. She felt that nobody loved or cared about her and that she would be better off dead. I had a good rapport with this resident and so we talked about the patterns with her anger and subsequent sadness and tears. Calm, this resident was quite insightful into her situation. She had grown up with a mom who struggled with severe mental illness and had been in and out of the hospital. That was just a part of her history. 

She told me that she felt she wasn't getting better but I disagreed with her. I told her that the box being slammed against the wall was exactly what recovery looked like. It was not linear. It was not smooth. It was a series of explosions and setbacks and tears and insight. Heated moments figured out. Realizations brought to light. I told her that it's first picking up eight pieces of splintered wood and the next time five, and the next time three and the next time the box would just stay in her hand.

To bring a bit of humor to the situation I said to her "You didn't really like that box much, did you?" Thankfully she smiled and didn't throw the pieces at me. We then walked to the dining hall together for lunch. A somewhat happy conclusion to the previous 30 minutes but just another step in a walk toward more freedom wrought with potholes.

We all have little pieces of immaturity inside of us. We all have wounds yet to be healed. We are alike in that way. We get annoyed, irritated, angry, hurt, jealous, scared, and wounded down deep. As a result we buy into lies that we aren't worth anything or that we would be better off not existing. I believe that Jesus wants to work through that with us. I don't think He cares whether it's seemingly petty or no doubt double barrel serious. It is all legitimate to Him. 

I guess I wanted to share about myself and this resident to give hope. Especially now, when so many of us find ourselves more isolated or alone, it can be hard to sit with our thoughts and negative emotions. But, there are ways to move through and I'm always going to say that the best way is WITH GOD. Pause, because you are worth the time it takes to figure out what is going on.

Getting better, feeling better, and doing better take time and work. It just does. I can honestly say that God worked out some issues for me recently. Not everything is solved. Unfortunately, I will still get annoyed. Lol. But, progress is better than no progress, right? Maybe I will write that again: PROGRESS IS BETTER THAN NO PROGRESS. You are loved!

Boys and Heroes

I love to people watch, most especially small kids playing. I don't think I did enough of that when my own kids were small. You know, the kind of sitting back and watching how they play for the sake of observing who they are as little people. 
A few days ago, I had the opportunity to watch a little blonde-headed boy conquer the world in his mind. I was at the beach and someone had built a makeshift teepee out of long pieces of driftwood. It was big enough for a small kid to walk into and transplant himself into another space and time. 
When I first arrived at the beach and was setting up my chair, I glanced up as he walked by with a piece of driftwood in his hand. Our eyes met and for a moment he appeared sheepish as reality clashed with imagination. It was almost as if he wanted to let me know that he was aware he wasn't carrying a sword.  He couldn't have been more than 6 years old, yet old enough to feel slightly embarrassed at having been "caught." In that instant, he was no longer the warrior, but a boy probably going back to his parents to see if there was something to eat. The 'boy mom' in me thought, 'No, NO, that is one dangerous sharp sword and the people need your kind of bravery! Keep fighting!'
To my delight, he came back a while later and that is when I got to watch in full frame this little dude slay imaginary bad guys and all sorts of terrible beasts. He was talking to himself, throwing pieces of driftwood at the teepee, slamming the teepee with pieces of long driftwood, trying to crack long sticks against a nearby log, and the best was when he would suddenly crouch down and yell out a war cry. He was absolutely oblivious to anything else but the world he had created where he was the brave conqueror of all. 
It was fascinating. I don't know what came over me but I got choked up and silent tears fell down my cheeks as I continued to watch. For one, he reminded me of my oldest son who used to play in a similar way. He could be in his own world for hours and I always thought how healthy that was. And, I had an ache in my heart as I missed him as a little boy. Time goes by too quickly for a mom. 
I also had a pang in my heart for this little warrior and all the other little boy warriors. For this drive, need, and innate sense of self would eventually do battle with a lying thief. The earlier flash of embarrassment this boy showed when our eyes met, I knew would eventually become genuine insecurity and fear about his role as a man. He would wrestle with whether or not he could still step into adventure, be the beast slayer, and the conqueror people looked up to. I wanted to go up to this little invincible warrior, look him in the eyes, hand him his sword, place my hand on his heart, and say, "Don't lose this. You are mighty. You are brave. You will fall and fall hard, many times. You will be bloody and busted up. You will be parched in every sense. The fight will ooze out of you. You will question your capability. It will be then, as you look at the ground - the mud and dust, and feel the pressure on your chest and the onslaught of arrows to your mind, that the mighty will come alive again; that the slayer will rise and your feet will feel the ground. You will stand. It will be in those moments between utter defeat and victorious knowing, where your real warrior self will be made and realized. You are a son of God and created in His image. Take your rightful place." That would probably be about the time he would look at me like I lost my mind, go back to his parents, eat his peanut butter and jelly, and wonder about the weird woman who called him a warrior. But, so be it. 
That little guy gave me immense delight as I sat on the beach and watched him. And wouldn't you know, the next night I was sitting on a different beach watching a group of about twelve (maybe) 18 year old guys play football. At first I inwardly cringed as I was in the mood for peace and a good sunset as I sipped my wine and read my book. But, I soon began to watch them in a way I hoped went unnoticed. (Hey, it's the weird woman again).
I quickly could see who the leader was. He had longer hair, was more muscular than the other guys, and was calling the shots. With the exception of one smaller kid sitting on the sidelines, they all had their shirts off. I have to say, what played out before me surprised and kind of warmed my heart. I guess I thought I would see a sort of king of the mountain, underhanded roughness, and a lot of leveling. But, the longer I watched the more I sensed that these were a group of guys who knew each other well. They were a team.
The boy on the sidelines seemed content. He smiled and laughed as the game progressed and from time to time different guys would call out to him and conversation would be exchanged. There were more F bombs dropped during that hour than what I've heard in the last month as loud proclamations were made with pride of how various body parts were hurting. At one point I heard one of the guys say that he needed to call his mom because she probably didn't know he was at the beach. Another guy said how he didn't want to go home because his dad was an alcoholic and I couldn't hear what he said about his mom. Another chimed in about his own home situation. This was between plays as a bunch of them sat in the water out of breath. This is how guys seem to do it. Not much eye contact and while playing - there for each other but not too obvious about it. Bonding, nonetheless.
I spend a lot of time with women and girls. I grew up with two sisters and I work in a field that is probably 85% female. Our residents are female as well as most of my coworkers. I understand women. I love women. I am very pro women.
But, I also have a heart for men and appreciate the strength they offer and the unique struggles they face. My experience with the little boy and the young men on the beach inspired me to write, today. I suppose this could take off into a whole other topic and a new blog, but that's not my purpose this morning. I am certainly no expert but I do believe the heart of a boy is to be a hero and the heart of a man is to be one as well. And, females? They long for that hero whether it be a friend, brother, dad, uncle, grandpa, or especially spouse. Never mind that it is 2020. The heart of things DOESN'T change though the appearance of it might. Don't let any sort of women's movement fool you. Girls want and need a male hero(s).
But, before I lose my focus and get off topic, I want to get back to boys and heroes. Satan, the lying thief, coward, and deceiver of the world has intentionally slapped that word around so it has either become unattainable so why bother or it's cheapened into fast cars, power and money - whoever can shove the hardest. In it's purest form, go back to the blonde headed boy with the driftwood sword. He was born for the moment. He used what he had. He protected and saved. When he couldn't break the stick against the log, he beat it over and over until it cracked. But, and get this, when he couldn't get it to break he threw it to the side and found another one. He knew when to let go and felt no defeat in it. Heroes let go. They don't always win. They just find another stick.
The young guys on the makeshift football field knew teamwork and camaraderie. The skinny boy on the sidelines mattered as much as their muscular leader. One boy's heartache about his home life became all their heartache. One team's touchdown didn't diminish the other team's lack of one. Hard wrestling in the sand only gave excuse to show affection under the guise of ass kicking. An enemy wouldn't have stood a chance walking on to that field. Opposing teams would have become one team in a heartbeat.
Heroes.
I was overwhelmed pondering those different scenes on the beach. Both touched me deeply. The ways of God are usually contrary to the ways of the world. The ways of God don't demean, belittle, and steal life. He doesn't hit below the belt. Our enemy does. 
God defines us. Period. 
Heroes are made in the heart and mind when the face smacks the dirt and a helping hand is extended by another with mud on his face. But, this making works best with the knowing and experiencing first hand the ABBA FATHER'S love; for His love has the power to make every man a hero.

Written by,

Dee M. Kostelyk

When the Battle is Too Big

God is trustworthy.
2 Chronicles 20 and all that leads up to it is extraordinary. It has all the makings of another Mel Gibson Hollywood Bible story showing battle and the raw power and mercy of God. Hit with an unexpected battle, Jehoshaphat, King of Judah, did what he knew to do and that was seek the Lord. His prayer in verses 6-12 is one to learn from. He praised God and acknowledged who He was. He told the Lord that if calamity struck, he and his people would cry out to Him and they would be HEARD and SAVED. He explained what God did for him in the past, and by speaking this OUT LOUD it reminded he and the families of Judah of God's previous provision. And, lastly, King Jehoshaphat who was incredibly powerful and wealthy, humbled himself before all the men, women, and children of Judah and said, "For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you." Wow. If nothing else, those two sentences make a wonderful prayer for any of us facing a battle far too big for us.
The Lord then provided a battle plan for Jehoshaphat's army. Walking by faith alone, the king "appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of His holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying, 'Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.' (verse 21). Again, wow! Imagine this. Even though Jehoshaphat had a vast army of experienced and battle-ready men, humanly speaking there was no way to win the upcoming battle. But, those men went forward not trusting in themselves, weaponry, equipment, and skill, but IN THE LORD. The praises and singing began BEFORE the battle even started. That was humility. THAT WAS FAITH.
This really spoke to me this morning. If you are facing a battle that looks monumental and impossible to fix, the battle is God's. That's it. It's HIS.
This is not some Old Testament story that doesn't relate to us. It is not a "that was then, this is now." These aren't just names that are hard to pronounce. (They wouldn't have been able to pronounce our names, either). These were families and generations that God had been faithful to. THESE PEOPLE ARE YOU AND ME IN THE YEAR 2020!
I encourage you to read Jehoshaphat's prayer in 2 Chronicles 20 and make it your own. Choose to trust God. Then, go a step further and begin singing His praises BEFORE any outcome. Our help comes from HIM. No One fights battles for us like God. Hallelujah!

Forget About Time

I am humbly baffled that anyone would be interested in reading what I write. I have been a "writer" for as long as I can remember, sometimes on paper and most often in my head! I am grateful, and again humbled, that God would use my voice to make a difference for anyone. So, here go some more words this morning:
When is the last time you forgot about time? When is the last time that you hadn't the slightest idea what the clock said? I am one of these people that almost always knows what time it is, sometimes even down to the minute. You could come up to me in the middle of the day or the middle of the night and I would somehow know the time without looking. It is one of those quirky weird things about me.
This morning I completely lost track of time. I was awake very early even though I did not have to go into work. I made a conscious decision before my feet even hit the floor that I was going to have a good day; this day the Lord made for me. 
Not 30 minutes after getting up, someone put a bit of nastiness in a slingshot and sent it my way. This set me on a course of negative thinking. I realized I had a headache and my neck felt sore. I felt old. I could see that it was clearly time for another root touch-up, too.
Setting out to have a good day does not mean that everything that happens in that day will be good. In fact, make a decision to have a good day and for sure you will get tangled in your sheets as you step out of bed and hit your head on the nightstand. That's the way it goes, right?
None of those things attempting to rain on me were actually that big of a deal. I reminded myself how I was in this day with God and I really did feel that He had good things in store. This brings me to losing track of time.
I slipped out of the house with a hot cup of coffee and made my way over to the grasslands and prairie in Orland. Nature does something for me. It's like a supernatural God-given anesthetizer. I decided to take the grass path and actually venture into the middle of the prairie where nobody else was. I was lost, but in a good way. I saw new colors, flowers, plants, and birds I had not seen before. I was 100% happily distracted. There was so much to see on either side of me that I forgot about the possibility of stepping on a snake. I bring this up because it happened to me a couple months ago. I quite literally almost stepped on top of a snake. (Granted, it was a tiny little gardener snake which I didn't have to admit to you). 
As I walked, I marveled at the contrast of colors between the flowers, tall green grass, caramel colored prairie, and changing sky backdrop. At one point my eyes welled with tears as I imagined myself in heaven. I was sitting on a chair and I was looking at all these rare and beautiful birds and flowers never seen. Colors never discovered. And I was overwhelmed with what God had put before me like handing a giant lollipop to a little girl. I was overcome. God was full of joy over my joy. Aaaaah...heaven. I look forward to heaven!
As I bent down and moved and crouched in awkward positions to get photographs, every problem, every ache, every concern, melted away. Completely.
The oppressive heat as of late was gone. The sky was overcast and there was a breeze. The birds were loud and singing. It was marvelous. I have to laugh out loud, though. It all sounds sort of fairy tale and fake, doesn't it? I can assure you I did not break out into song about the hills being alive! However, as I am authentic and honest about my pain, I am also sincere about my joy. I. Felt. Joy.
And, I lost total track of time. It almost felt weird. At one point I realized I hadn't the slightest idea what time it was. Was it still early morning or was it getting closer to lunch? What happened?
What happened was pure no-agenda-time-with-God. Worship. Creativity. Imagination. Health. Connection. Better than a drug. Food for the brain. Healing. Destressing at it's best. 
In a world that runs on time we can feel there is too much of it or not enough. We can be enslaved by it. Church, Bible study, worship music, and fellowship is imperative for any follower of Jesus. And, so is experiential, no time constraint, abandon with God!
The Bible has many examples of men and women who went off to spend long lengths of time with God. Even Jesus did.
When is the last time you lost yourself enough to find yourself in Christ? Do you invite him into your life? Do you ask him to go for a walk with you? How about fish, paint, cook, write, serve, drive, clean, shop, or take a lunch break? 
Do you have FUN with Him?
Do you lose track of time?
This is an exciting invitation for you. A wonderful opportunity. It's free with only good side effects.
I believe we need to be intentional in regard to forgetting about time, rules, 'shoulds' and 'should-nots' to just be with God. Moving in Him as He moves in us and nothing else matters. I believe this is part of the rest that Jesus gives us when we come to Him feeling burdened and weary. 
Whether it is today, tomorrow, or next week, practice forgetting about time as you enter into the Three In One and breathe what is fresh, alive, and healing.
You are dearly loved.

You Are Not Your Circumstance

I talk with people all the time who feel the weight of their diagnosis. In and out of hospitals and rehabs. Relapsing for the 6th time. Trying yet another new medication for their anxiety. Nightmares riddling their nights. Post traumatic stress throwing punches at the least expected times. Suicidal thoughts and desperate self-harm urges. Families in turmoil. Self-esteem down the toilet. After a while, you begin to feel like it is all you are. That you are not worth being seen for anything else. This goes for anyone who is walking through a painful time. Sometimes, our painful circumstances can begin to define us. And, when others (subconsciously) view us through that lense it reinforces the belief that we are valueless.

There is the guy who lost his job.
Did you know she's a heroin addict?
She's having ANOTHER surgery?
He's in rehab again.
They had to call the police on their son.
She's been covering up her eating disorder.
I feel sorry for her.
They're broke and there is garbage everywhere.
Why can't they get it together?
Those people are crazy.
I haven't seen them in church in months.
Did you smell the alcohol on his breath?
I heard she's bipolar.
These people are disgusting.
I heard his business is failing.
I don't think her husband is the biological father.
The whole family is a train wreck.
I think that kid is gay.
I always knew there was something whacked out about her.
All she does is cry.
Who does that guy think he's fooling?
Did you know they can't have kids?
Fine, I'll write them a check but that loser better get a job.
Get over the anxiety, already.
I heard they sleep in separate beds.
Geesh, how long is she going to grieve?
That guy isn't that smart.
She takes antidepressants.
He couldn't get a job if his life depended on it.
I heard her in the bathroom stall crying.
Man, did you see how much she ate?
I don't have time for those people.
He cheated on her for a whole year.
He got caught with porn.
I don't believe her rape story.
I heard they lost their house.
Every time I see her, it's another story.
He may drive a nice car but those people are in over their head.
His clothes were filthy.
All she does is sleep all day.

I have sat in the gutter with countless people, hearing story after story about pain, trauma and abuse. And, people desperately want to be seen as normal. They want to feel normal. Sometimes, I set my clipboard aside and I tell them to forget about all of it. Forget the diagnosis. Forget the mental health. Tell me who you are. Some have never known who they are. Some used to know but don't anymore. Some are afraid to find out. But, I always point out that they are far more than a diagnosis placed on them by a mere human. It's just a piece of their pie, not the whole pie.
Seeing people through the eyes of Christ takes practice. It has to be done over and over. I know what it feels like to be labeled and judged. I have had people feel sorry for me. I have had people talk about me behind my back. I have been a "case." I know many of you have experienced similar.
Just because someone is in pain, does not mean they have lost their brain. It does not mean they are not insightful. Have you ever had a simple conversation with someone and just by the things they say to you, you know that someone disclosed information to them about you? It feels crappy. Frankly, there are a lot of people out there who point fingers who haven't done anything to improve the quality of their OWN life. They are too busy being the know-it-all about everybody else. Those kind of people believe counseling and any kind of help is for others. Shoot, lying to ourselves is pretty easy.
I feel like someone needs to hear this today. You are no one's project. You are no one's charity. You are not a man-made diagnosis. You are not your situation. You are not your emotion. You are not what has been done to you. You are not the negative things people have spoken to you. You are not a label. You are not someone's "case."
We (I) need to be mindful of the way we think about others, the way we talk TO people, and the way we talk ABOUT them. This is especially true for those of us who work in helping professions and ministry. When you treat people like they are your pet project, they can feel that and it hurts someone who is already hurting. It reinforces their belief that they are nothing and no one. It makes them feel worthless.
How quickly we can forget where we come from. How quickly we can forget our own sin. Our own need. HOW QUICKLY I CAN.
Those of you being inundated with pain whether it's grief because of loss, physical ailments, mental health issues, addiction, finances, or trauma, take a deep breath. You are God's masterpiece and created in His image. God has plans for you. You are needed. You are capable. You can move through. YOU ARE MUCH MORE THAN YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE. Use your voice. Put your chin up. Make eye contact. You are worth privacy, dignity, and respect. You are seen and known by a beautiful and precious Father.

You're Worth It

This morning I was reading through Proverbs. I had forgotten the wealth of wisdom contained in those pages. I also could not help but laugh out loud at several of the verses. Oh yeah, that's so and so and oh shoot, that's ME!  Solomon had such an insightful grasp on our humanity.  He spoke from experience and certainly had his share of decadent history and wind chasing, but God really did grace him with wisdom, so much so, that I was thinking he would be an intimidating dinner guest. Can you imagine?
I sat quietly and reflected on some of Solomon's running themes. He talked a lot about being quiet and listening, giving to those in need, working hard, accepting discipline, seeking wise counsel, pride, righteousness and finances. So much common sense. Here are just a few of the verses that spoke to me but there were many more.

1:7 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline."

3:21-26 "My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared."

11:25 "A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed."

12:15 "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice."

15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

16:24 "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

16:32 "Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city."

25:19 "Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble."

26:17 "Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passerby who meddles in a quarrel not his own."

27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

29:1 "A man who remains stiff necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed - without remedy."

31:8-9 "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."

As I read through the pages I was beginning to feel increasingly sinful and inadequate. There was no measuring up to these high standards of following Christ. I was the fool Solomon was talking about! However, thankfully I was not in a place of major self condemnation. I did not feel the Lord throwing any rocks at me. I felt convicted, instructed, taught, and counseled.
The question is, am I teachable? Am I humble? Can I be quiet and listen? Can I be these things and still have confidence and feel valuable? Be bold? Feel like myself? Sometimes, it all gets confusing. But that is not on God. That is not God's way. I can be the quietest person you meet until someone pushes a button, there is some kind of injustice, or passion is rising in me. I am learning and I actually do want to learn. I don't want to be the same person a year from now that I am today. I want to mature and grow and do better. And, I don't believe that it is one or the other. God's instruction is not meant to strip us of who He created us to be. I'm talking about the uniqueness of YOU. You are unlike anyone else on the whole planet and that is the way it is supposed to be. Sitting quietly and being still is not synonymous with being suppressed and oppressed. God's word teaching and counseling us is not synonymous with a ruler being slammed on the desk. These God breathed Proverbs are given out of a deep love because they bring freedom! His instruction always gives life! And in it, I am learning. I am figuring out who I am and where I'm going in Christ. I'm a work in progress. We are all works in progress but we have to be willing and open to change and accept God's teaching in our life. Included in that, and one thing I have been convicted of lately and was confirmed in this morning's scripture reading, is the importance of wise counsel. This does not only mean advice. It includes someone who has prayed for you and asked the Holy Spirit for guidance. It involves people who point you upward to Jesus and can help you see clearly. It is edification. Hope. It is people who want the best for you and what is helpful in building you up. I would rather have a circle of four wise Spirit-led counselors around me than 25 well-meaning self-led advice givers.
It's good to be teachable. It's wise. If you haven't read through Proverbs in a while I would encourage you to get a pen or highlighter and start meditating on it. This is about moving toward progress, not perfection. Ultimately, it is about God's tender and fierce love because He yearns to set us free. You are worth the hard work it takes to change and grow. SO worth it.

Betrayal Turned Right

"Then Judas Iscariot, one of the Twelve, went to the chief priests to betray Jesus to them. They were delighted to hear this and promised to give him money. So he watched for an opportunity to hand him over." (Mark 14: 10 & 11)
This is the scripture the Holy Spirit led me to early this morning. I didn't really feel like focusing or getting into anything deep. I didn't feel like feeling, either. My mind was being pulled to day dream, coast, and zone out. But, I had read something wise last night about paying attention to our thoughts and looking at whether or not they are leading us to who we want to be. So, I reigned it in and asked the Spirit to help me understand His message to me from Mark.
I ended up having razor focus. I also ended up bawling so yeah, I FELT as well.
I have often wondered about Judas. Part of me has felt sorry for him, especially after he realized what he had done. He had to have been profoundly tormented. Another part of me has puzzled at how he could've completely missed Jesus - His friendship, His heart, His message, His love, the Messiah. Luke 22:3 talks about Satan entering Judas right before he went to the chief priests and the officers of the temple guard. Maybe Judas started out "right" like we usually do. But, maybe over time he saw an opportunity to push his own agenda and each day the door widened a crack for the enemy to slither in. Again, just like us. Maybe he was torn at times. Maybe he looked upon Jesus with affection after their long days together as they sat lounging and eating. Maybe he shared in Jesus's laughter and even received pieces of His love here and there. Maybe he liked that sense of belonging, brotherhood, and mission when he lay his head down at night. Who knows what aching voids Judas had in his heart and mind? Somehow though, the bigger driving force was a rebellious spirit and choice to follow his own desires. And, yet. AND YET, Jesus still chose him, believed in him, and LOVED him.
THAT is the piece that got to me this morning and made me cry. As I thought on this man, Judas, I couldn't decide which pulled at my heart more, Judas's betrayal of Jesus or Jesus's love for Judas? I had to sit in it for a while.
William Barclay writes,"The essence of sin is pride; the core of sin is independence; the heart of sin is the desire to do what we like and not what God likes. That is what the devil, satan, the evil one stands for. He stands for everything which is against God and will not bow to him. That is the spirit which was incarnate in Judas. We shudder at Judas. But let us think again - covetousness, jealousy, ambition, the dominant desire to have our own way of things. Are we so very different? These are the things which made Judas betray Jesus, and these are the things which still make men betray him."
Granted, Judas's betrayal was predicted by Jesus a few times and it was predicted in the Old Testament as well. Let me insert here that I am NOT a theologian, but we do know that Jesus being betrayed, arrested, so-called tried, murdered, and powerful enough to conquer death, were predicted and would happen (thank you, Jesus). I don't know that it had to be Judas, though. The betrayal could've come from anyone and one of the most heartbreaking pieces of this, is that Judas fell headlong into the snare of the enemy. He became disillusioned and puffed up in his own mind. This man who walked, talked, ate, cried, laughed, slept and ministered with Jesus, quite literally lost his mind and gave up LIFE for death. And, all for what? An empty ILLUSION that he could be his own king and master. How Jesus must've grieved for His friend on the inside. Jesus was there, IN THE FLESH even, offering everything and more that Judas needed and longed for. But, he gave it up because the vision he had of his future was a lie; a cleverly placed lie by the father of all lies. For reasons we can't know, Judas bought it, breathed it, bathed in it, defended it, and ultimately died in the stench of it. What a heartbreaking waste.
As you may recall, Peter, another one of Jesus's disciples, betrayed Him as well. Judas betrayed Jesus over money and aspiration (at least on the surface) and Peter betrayed Jesus because he feared for his life. We can probably sympathize more with Peter, can't we? I can, anyway. Who wants to be killed? The point has to remain however, that both betrayed Jesus. The bigger point is that Jesus loved both men equally. He chose both of them and had plans for each. He was going to hang on a cross for both of them. Really, how Jesus must've loved these two is probably more than we can wrap our heads around. From the way they laughed, how they ate and slept, the kind of banter they engaged in, the deep fears and insecurities they harbored, the bravery they showed, the wondering of their future, to the very callouses on their hands - Jesus loved their very being. But, only one came to a place of remorse and cried over what he had done. After Peter's denial he heard the rooster crow and remembered Jesus's word to him predicting his denial. The Bible says that Jesus looked "straight at Peter." Oh man, I can only imagine how that must've felt for Peter AND Jesus. It was a moment between two hurting men who were intimate friends, and also a moment between a supernatural, holy, and loving God and His child. Luke 22:62 says that Peter then went outside and "wept bitterly." I believe that it was in this act of remorseful weeping that Peter began to be set free and become even more of the dear man that Jesus loved - impulsive, charismatic, creative, head strong, courageous, funny and energetic among other things. He didn't become stifled or oppressed. He became even MORE! Jesus forgave him and we know that he was specifically commissioned by Him to "feed His lambs and take care of His sheep" (John 21:15 & 16) He matured and became part of Jesus's inner circle. Others looked up to him and he grew in his ability to lead empowered by the Lord. 
It's amazing what God can do with us when we get to the end of ourselves - when we weep bitterly with nothing left but a couple of empty hands, weighted shoulders, and sickness in the pit of our stomach. As we pour out to Him all we have left, He begins to breathe life into all those empty corners. There is no life without His life and there is no life LIKE His life.
How sad for Judas. He became despairing of life. He was entangled in poisonous weeds of evil that satan gleefully choked him with. He was controlled by a darkness that had crept in while he pursued his own disillusioned agenda. He had everything he needed right there with Jesus the whole time, but he couldn't see it. He didn't want to.The path before him appeared much bigger and had wonderful promises for him. But, what he didn't know was that just around the bend was nothing but the promise of decay.
Before we get sanctimonious as we look at Judas with disdain and applaud dumb Peter as finally getting it together, we need to pause. Let's look at these two men. Some of us will look just like Judas in all his miserable splendor. We just can't hide it. It's glaring. Others of us have the ability to put the squeeze on Judas so much so that he fits in there right between the head and heart and occasionally oozes into our shoes. He's right there next to our Bible and praise music, but that agenda...don't mess with the Judas Agenda. That's first. Fear, greed, pride, power, lust, control, self-absorption, rebellion, hatred, and did I say pride? It's in all of us and so is our hot headed, all heart, friend, Peter. For all of his bunched up fisted courage, he still acted like he didn't know Jesus because he didn't want to get his butt kicked or worse. Suddenly, the bravado wavered just like ours most likely would with a gun to our head. But, maybe not. I can't speak for everyone. 
Some of us used to be more like these men and are in the process of recovering and healing with Jesus. Others are walking these guys right now and betraying Jesus in lieu of our own pursuit. It could be little and small things. It could be that it's just today that got kind of off track. But, these things can be insidious and we need to be on guard. 
Judas and Peter show us how much we need Christ. They probably started out somewhat similar in that they were excited to be with Jesus and see where it would all lead. Neither one quite got it but they did understand that there was something about this man named Jesus that was extra special. I'm trying to picture these guys in my mind and I can just feel how much Jesus loved both of them. 
But, you know how the story played out and in it is a lesson for us. We are not without sin, not a one of us. We are not beyond getting entangled in a dark mess. We need to stay vigilant and the Bible tells us how to do that. The enemy is real and intent on destroying us. He WILL make us believe things that are downright lies. He will attack us when we are not watching and he will go for the HEART and then attack the MIND. Jesus never leaves us to our own devices. Jesus never leaves us, period. When we mess up we need to get on our knees. It's there where I have found Jesus to be most real. He will NOT slap us around for what we have done wrong. He will not condemn or harbor a grudge. He will LOVE. He will ooze with love. He will pour it over you and into you. He will free you like He did Peter. He will forgive. I would daresay there are Christians who have never once been on their knees (number one), who have never FELT remorse and confessed sin (number two), and have never, EVER, truly EXPERIENCED the cleansing, soul lifting, balm-to-wound, freeing, healing, love and forgiveness of Jesus (number three). What a tragedy! For real! Please don't be afraid. Get on your knees and confess and surrender it all. Jesus died for this. Jesus died for YOU. 
I love how Jesus redeemed Peter's life and all that Peter came to do and be. May you be encouraged and know that freedom from the sin that entangles us is what Jesus is all about. Go to Him.
You can do it.