Child, You Are His

It is in those still moments when it hits you; when you are flooded with the felt experience of Jesus knowing you. Knowing those secrets, that season, those thoughts. Knowing your flaws and where you are weak. My sin. Every last piece of it. I look up and I know that I am but a vapor - here today and gone tomorrow. Even as He sees into the recesses of my heart and turns me inside out, there is an unexplainable and overwhelming love. He is mindful of me. I do not have to cringe, cower, or hide.

I never liked nor fully understood sayings like "May the blood of Jesus wash over me." I didn't care for the image. I don't particularly like blood. I hate violence. Until not that long ago when I was thinking about it more deeply, did I realize how important the blood was and should not be overlooked. It poured out for me. FOR ME. I could look at it. I could pick up a cloth and tenderly dab at it. My Jesus. My king. I could look Him in the eyes and see the tenderness despite His agony. 

The world will brow beat me. People will hurt me. My own thoughts could strangle me, truth be told. Sometimes, I think that I am running through a maze as a girl looking for the way out, crying to be saved. Breathless. And, when no one comes I retreat inward. I curl up and believe I have no one to depend on but myself. As I get swallowed up into the tiniest of spaces and my breathing returns to normal, His face is there. It is quiet. Piece by piece He dismantles the lie as He lifts my chin and untangles my arms. I am perfectly good. I am perfectly welcomed. I am perfectly acceptable. I am safe. 

Jesus Christ is dependable. No matter what is impossible. No matter who has let you down. No matter what you have done. Child, you are HIS.

Dee M. Kostelyk

Father

I received a little handheld electric frother from Jesse for Christmas a few days ago. I used it with my coffee for the first time this morning and it was delicious. Sometimes, it is those little things that give me the joy of a kid. 

It's my birthday today and it just happened that I am not working. Yay! I made my coffee, propped up my pillows and got back into bed. I sat there and looked out the window watching a few squirrels. I am not sure what came over me but my eyes welled with tears as I had a yearning for Jesus to come sit at the end of my bed and have coffee with me. I wanted to be in His physical presence, in the flesh. I imagined for a few seconds what that would look like. Then, I opened my Bible and intentionally went to Psalm 18 which is probably my favorite passage in scripture. It starts out with, "I love you, O Lord, my strength." There it was. What else could I have said but that?

It is true that God's word is alive. As I read this Psalm written by David in gratitude for deliverance, I noticed something I had not before. After David described his anguish and distress, he cried to God for help. He then went on to paint a detailed picture of God coming to save him. He described the Earth trembling, smoke rising from God's nostrils, heaven being parted, cherubim flying, hail and bolts of lightning, arrows being shot, enemies being scattered, and the Lord rebuking David's enemies with a blast of breath from His nostrils. He described a very powerful God fiercely intent on not only rescuing and protecting him, but destroying his enemies as well. David took great care in describing the details of this. As I read, I could see it all in my head, this raging God bent on rescuing David, the man after His heart. 

So, this is what struck me that I had not noticed before. David went from this edge of your seat powerful scene to sharing how God reached down and took hold of him, drawing him out of the deep waters and rescuing him. Verse 19 says, "He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because he *delighted* in me." Wow. I felt like I got new insight into the very character of God Almighty - from a full-on rush of mental, physical, and emotional literal superpower to the tenderness God beheld for David in His delight of him. Abba Dad in action. The perfect dad, actually. The One who turns our darkness into light like no other in all the universe. He is multifaceted and cannot be contained.

While I did not get to see Jesus in the flesh, He did prompt me to see Him in this Psalm; His personal word to me this morning on my 52nd birthday. The message was that I meant everything to Him. The Earth will tremble and there will be hail and lightning as He swiftly makes His way to me, over and over until my last breath. Why? Because He is unfailingly kind and delights in me. I am His daughter.

You belong to Him as well. He pays attention and does not miss a thing in regard to you and your life. He is your Rock, Fortress, and Deliverer. He is your refuge. You are loved! Trust Him, today. 

Dee M. Kostelyk

Invitation to Ponder the Scene

The other night I happened to wake up close to 3:00 a.m. and could not fall back to sleep. I laid on my side where I could feel the cool air on my face from a window cracked open. Because of the moonlight, I could make out the branches of the trees. I was deep in thought thinking about Christmas.

God began bringing people to mind who had recently suffered loss on various levels and those walking through grievous situations. I wrapped my arms around myself as I thought about my own grief in relation to Christmas. 

Isn't it something how Christmas can make our pain more profound? As I laid there I thought about Jesus and what He might think about this season of His birth. How must He feel about the sadness, stress, loneliness and misery? What does He offer those of us who are hurting?

My first impression was not one of condemnation or anger. I felt a sadness from Jesus and a heartfelt concern for His sheep. The thing about Him is that He never kicks us when we're down. He turns toward and not away. He wants to heal and comfort in a way that moves the stuff of our world gently to the side so we can experience His love afresh. As I laid in my bed still looking out the window, that is what I saw in my mind; a Jesus willing to forgive our misplaced values because He was more preoccupied with the look on our faces and the condition of our broken hearts than anything else. 

The second impression I got, was an invitation to watch the scene of Jesus' birth. In my mind I imagined it. In those brief moments nothing else mattered as I saw teenaged Mary give birth to the baby King of the world. It was holy ground. Sacred. And, oh so healing. There He was, coming uncomfortably into the world to grow and be my Savior. He cried like any baby would. I slowly walked forward in wonder hearing my own steps and feeling the slight pounding of my heart. I got on my knees and looked down at Jesus' face as  young Mary held Him in her arms. I reached forward and reverently touched His cheek with my finger. I bowed my head. This was it. This was Christmas. "Welcome, my King. Welcome."

As I again looked at the outline of trees from my window I silently prayed, "God, how can I make any difference for myself and others?" I won't pretend that it is the be all/end all, or even the answer for you. What I can say from my experience a few nights ago, is that Jesus is far more about you, just you, than any Christmas religiosity, "have to" or "should be." He is yearning for you to seek Him and find Him in His birth, because in that moment you will see the kind of Christmas that will speak directly to your broken heart. There is no stress or sorrow in that Christmas. Just hope. 

However it works for you, I encourage you to take time this season to intentionally ponder the birth of our Jesus. Read about it (Mathew 1 and Luke 2), imagine the scene, and participate in the story.  Be conscious of what you see and how you feel. What does Jesus want you to know? I guarantee it will be unique to you.

I think when I find those waves of stress or sorrow hitting me, I am going to revisit the scene in my mind's eye whether I'm home, at work, in the car, or standing in a long line at the store to pay for another Christmas gift. I know that Jesus longs to bring us something fresh. He carries us when we cannot walk and sets us down when our feet are ready. He is the King, who was a baby, who grew into a man, who became our Savior. All things aside, Glory Hallelujah. I can agree to this: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS. 

Dee M. Kostelyk

Celebrate Life

When good things happen, it's natural to want to share about them with others. I find social media a fun place to do that and very much a creative outlet for me. The criticism is how much of it is fake and pretend, a yearning to belong and be validated, and a desire to at least look at something that tells us our life isn't all in the crapper.

I want to take a look at the "pretend and fake" criticism which I've heard a lot (and thought, myself). Why is the sharing of meaningful, silly, fun, victorious, edifying and informative (all good things) on social media, pretend and fake? Yet, while we may roll our eyes and cringe a bit when someone shares (and over shares) misery, we generally tend to give more acceptance and compassion to that than anything else. We feel okay about it and feel okay about that person. (We feel okay about ourselves).

People have a right to their privacy. They are entitled to share or not share whatever they feel comfortable with. No one is required to talk publicly about their pain and shame. We are not going to post photographs of our tears, getting fired from a job, kicking the dog, and the break up of a relationship. So, what do most of us choose to share? The happy! The celebratory. The achievements. JOY. So understandable. Good for us!

Just because someone posts about their weight loss, doesn't mean they don't have 50 other stories about all the struggle that went into that. Just because someone posts a wonderful photo of their family with all the little kids in matching outfits, doesn't mean that their 3-year-old wasn't having a tantrum 20 minutes before the photograph was taken. Just because a couple is celebrating 30 years of marriage, doesn't mean they didn't go through some pretty grueling times. We could pick out numerous scenarios and know there is a backstory to every single one of them. No kidding. That is a no-brainer. 

Pretty much everything I write about is based on my personal experience and I am most always talking to myself. The truth is that misery does love company. When we feel like we are caving in on the inside, we don't want to hear about so-and-so's great news. When we feel like an ugly fat slob we don't want to see so-and-so in her cute little dress. When we can hardly afford to pay the electric bill, we don't want to hear about somebody's great vacation. When we have a relationship that is crumbling, it's painful to see another relationship thriving. When our car is less than par, it makes us miserable to see photographs of someone's brand new one. When we don't get the award or the accolades, we feel like a loser in light of those who did. Welcome to life and being human. Hence, the cross. Hence, Jesus.

Do not let ANYONE belittle your good news. Do not let anyone make you feel small and less than for the good things in your life. Do not give credence to those who ignore you and attempt to shame you. In a world where things can change in an instant and where most of us are walking around with broken pieces, go ahead and celebrate! Post the promotion! Post about your lost pounds! Share about the love and truth of Jesus! Show your wedding photos, birthdays, and Christmas decorations! BE SILLY! Promote what you are selling! Share what God is doing! Tell us about your move, the sunset, the restaurant, and your dog!

When you find yourself in a place where this stuff is making you miserable, it's a chance to be kind to someone who deserves it, INCLUDING YOURSELF. It is an opportunity to look inward and figure out what is going on that is causing the pain. It is always something. Welcome to the neighborhood, friend or, one of my favorite sayings, "Welcome to real life." We really don't like this word and I know that I for sure don't, but JEALOUSY sucks. It hurts. It hurts ourselves and it hurts the object of it. Every single time. But, it is universal and we all have felt it. That's why I say, "welcome to the neighborhood!" Work on what needs to be worked out and learn to be gracious and happy for people.  It won't kill you. I promise. Considerate it a walk toward freedom.

Funny, jealousy isn't talked about very much. It kind of goes along with the word "sin." Ouch. Two topics that would feel good sticking through the shredder. But, as one of my friends always says, "nothing changes if nothing changes" and most of us have found ourselves on both sides of this particular coin.

To sum it up like a second grade teacher: Please be who you are. Do not lessen yourself to make others feel good enough. There is no need to spend excess time with or give power to those who are sneaky, jealous, and want to passive-aggressively repress you. Shine how God intended you to. Post about and celebrate your victories! And, when you find yourself experiencing pain (and jealousy IS painful) in light of others' good news, take a pause and work through it. You will BE better for it and you will actually FEEL better for it. 

May we celebrate life on the good days and the bad days. There is nothing pretend and fake about it.

Dee M. Kostelyk

Cooperate with the Truth

When I saw the saying attached, I readily identified with it. In July of 2019 I was unexpectedly diagnosed with early stage two breast cancer. I remember walking around and having the oddest feeling. I had cancer in my body. I knew that and yet I felt disconnected from it as if it was someone else's state. 

Without much hesitation, I began praying that all the cells in my body would stand up and give the Lord praise. I imagined these miniscule beings quite literally arching upward toward the Lord of the universe. Even the cancer cells were under His authority and had no choice but to give praise. I did not refer to this ever as "my" cancer. I did not want to claim it and I did not want to belong to it in any way, shape or form. It had come into my body unwelcome and unwelcome it would remain. It was NOT me. To say that I was never afraid or exhausted or that I didn't think about my own funeral would be a lie. Absolutely, I had my dark moments. However, by the sheer grace and power of God, that was not my general experience. I tried not to think about "Oh my goodness, how am I going to get up at 4:15 a.m. everyday, go to work, and move through 33 radiation treatments for the next few months?" I just did it, a day at a time, under the shelter and gentle protection of Jesus.  That is the truth of it. I have no other explanation for how I was able to do it. I did not cooperate with the cancer. I did not revere it or let it define me.

The same really goes for all illnesses and struggles. I often hear residents at work list off their multiple diagnoses and medications as if it is somehow who they are and a warped badge of honor. I can't even count how many times I have heard "my" bi-polar, "my" anxiety, "my" arthritis, and, "I will always have this." Whoa. WHOA. Slow down. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I often encourage to slightly change the perspective from "my" to "the." We are not cancer. We are not arthritis. We are not depression. Those are all things we may have to reckon with, but it is not who we are and it isn't always a life sentence, either. 

This isn't about denial or pretending. This is about acknowledging the truth. How about instead of "I *am* depressed" we simply say, "I *feel* depressed." It is downright amazing what can happen to our outlook and even our health when we start changing this perspective. You may struggle with any amount of things, just fill in the blank, but it doesn't mean you ARE those things.

 I would bet that most of you care about other people and enjoy making them feel good. Others love to write, cook, paint, fish and take photographs. Some, are good with children. Some can fix the brakes on a car while others have the solution to your computer problems. Many of you can teach and also love to learn. I bet someone got an A on their math test last week. I bet someone else put a card in the mail to someone who needed encouragement. In this audience are an array of gifts and talents and precious characteristics unique to you! Your suffering is not all that you are. It is just a piece of the pie. Not the whole pie. 

One of the worst things I hear these days and is unfortunately quite common is "f*** my life." I apologize for the language but I don't apologize for being real and saying it like it is. (Otherwise, writing for me is pointless). Even joking around and being sarcastic about these things aren't really that helpful in the long run. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, we often get a payoff by milking our illnesses. We feel afraid to let go and there can be multiple reasons for that. Largely, I believe it's because we will no longer feel valuable, seen, or important. We may believe that part of our identity will be lost. It also gives us an excuse to stay stuck and not change any behavior. Ouch. But, it's true. There is some fear there and it makes sense. There is no condemnation for it. I guess I want to encourage you to ask yourself, "what would happen if I started claiming and believing healing in my life?" It seems like a straightforward question with an easy answer but more than likely your feelings are jumbled up and your answer sort of complicated. That's okay. You have to start somewhere.

It can be effortless to cooperate with people, things, and mindsets that are not good for us. I encourage you to pay attention to that. Instead, cooperate with the Lord's truth about who you are from head to toe in the name of Jesus. Partner with HIM. Claim life over your life. Love yourself well because God loves you more. He created you mighty special with an amazing ability to heal and grow.

Dee M. Kostelyk

Dignity is Available

I would dare say that most of us have experienced the loss of dignity in one arena or another. For some, it's moments, while for others it's a season(s) too long. Webster's defines dignity in part, as "the quality of being worthy of honor and respect." Without thinking too deeply, each of us could probably come up with people whom we would immediately deem as worthy of honor and respect. I wonder though, if Jesus sees differently.

In Psalm 3 David was running for his life. He wasn't sitting on a throne in power and control: "Many are saying of me, 'God will not deliver him.' But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." It is a beautiful image, isn't it? Imagine the Lord tucking his finger underneath David's chin and gently lifting his face to meet His gaze - dignity for the broken king in crisis. 

In John 8 Jesus becomes the Defender of the woman caught in adultery. The hypocritical Pharisees were ready to stone her to death when Jesus stepped in, returned them to sanity, and allowed them to walk away with dignity.  He then turned to the woman who must have wanted to weep in relief and die in shame. But she too, was not condemned and told to leave her broken life of sin. Dignity for the broken perpetrator and victim.

In Luke 23 we see the thief on the cross. Absolutely nothing speaks to this man as being worthy of respect and honor. He was a good for nothing criminal. Yet, in the midst of Jesus's unimaginable agony, He hears this man: Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." Within seconds, the man who was a thief hanging naked and bloodied on the cross, was given dignity.

Man, do we in milliseconds, promote our good selves as we lower others believing them hardly worthy of our prayers. In fact, it comes quite naturally. We focus effortlessly on the crap of others while planting flowers and putting a white picket fence in front of our own storehouses of crap in an effort to block the smell. 

We decide that today we are going to be gracious, kind, and compassionate and before our feet have even hit the floor we have already put a slew of people in their place below us. We sneer on the inside (because we are too clever to actually show it) at those who sin differently than we do. What we can't understand about another must have some explanation that only fits into our mindset and perception.  

We get a little puffed up as we hang out in our homes or office discussing people like they are cases and projects. We talk about boundaries and enabling and it makes us feel smart and healthy. We are psychology king and queens and theologians of the greatest kind. False humilities gather in baskets like centerpieces. It feels good to be good! Shoot, how we love the sound of our gratuitous compassion!

It is humbling when we see how much Jesus gave dignity to victims AND perpetrators. You and I. It is hard for me to fathom such love and grace. I can hardly wrap my head around "Forgive them for they know not what they do." It is so very contrary to who we are. We want to get back at people. We want to put others in their place. We have to let people know they are wrong. We will scramble, trip, and fall in an effort to cover our own stuff. We condemn others and without even realizing it we are condemning ourselves, living in shame, and pointing fingers in hope that maybe it will erase our own sad secrets. 

Yet, the whole lot of us are loved. The red carpet is rolled out for us. We can dare take a step and lift our chins up to meet the gaze of Christ because of who He made us to be in Him. He brings us out and up. He lays His hand upon the crown of our head and bestows us with honor and dignity. No discrimination. It is the place of greatest authentic intimacy with Jesus.

I believe the Lord has empowered the body of believers to do this for each other. I believe He has called us to live in such a community where safety is the norm and dignity can thrive; where deficits are filled with love. 

In 1st Corinthians 12: 25 -26 Paul has wise words for the church about what this could look like: "The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don’t, the parts we see and the parts we don’t. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance."

Those are beautiful words and describe the kind of culture where dignity is bestowed and can thrive. It is a place where leveling discontinues. It is a place where everyone has a voice and every heart matters. It is a place where sadness and rejoicing are shared. No one is left or discarded. No one is given up on. And, the greatest (to me) is that everyone is involved in the healing. Glory hallelujah! Can you picture that? ALL THE PARTS ARE INVOLVED IN THE HEALING! This is how dignity gets restored in individuals, marriages, families, churches, and communities. We are imperfect people dependent on each other to be led down the red carpet. It's a model for living. It's a picture of Christ with His kids. Dignity is available for all. May it be so in the name of Jesus.

Dee M. Kostelyk

Familiar with my Ways

I love how God is in the details of our lives. This morning I opened up a piece of mail that reminded me of something important I had to take care of next month. The other day I was ready to pull out and bang my car into the shopping cart I left in the way and God stopped me. The dress I really liked but put back because I couldn't justify it, turned out to be on clearance a couple months later for $12. Last week I couldn't find my debit card even though I could have swore that I had just had it in my hand. I prayed and after looking for a few minutes God prompted me to get out of the car and there it was, on the ground next to the side of my seat. Or, a few weeks ago when God spoke to me to look up, and across the way at eye level the sun was shining on the coolest spider web which I was able to photograph. At the Dutch festival yesterday, two women whom I barely knew, separately, wanted me to know what an encouragement my writing was to them. I have received nudges to speak up, be quiet, reach out, and walk away.  Even going to bed the other night and pulling back the comforter to remember that I had put clean sheets on that morning, was so nice. Even that was Him. I smiled on the inside.

One of my prayers is that I may never blow past this stuff or lose the girlish, unabashed love and faith I have in my Abba Dad. 

And, so it goes. This happens all the time. Little warnings or reminders. Encouragements out of the blue at just the right time. Tiny, thoughtful gifts for no reason other than that I'm His. All of it, actually, because I'm His and He is looking out for me. God has been the greatest Confidant and Friend to me, ever. He has been a Father, a Teacher, and a Counselor. He has made me spontaneously laugh on numerous occasions. He has disciplined and corrected me. He has shown me incredible grace and offered forgiveness I didn't deserve. He has taken my hand on adventures and has gently pushed me forward to do things I never thought I could do. He has protected, defended, and healed me. He even gave His own life for me. 

Jesus Christ has been, and is, the truest love of my life. 

Dee M.Kostelyk

Psalm 18:1

         "I love you, LORD; you are my strength." 

Psalm 139: 1-3

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways."

Receiving: Hard and Valuable

I had a great conversation on the phone with a friend and felt led to write about it. We were talking about the Biblical statement, "It is better to give than to receive" and how being on the receiving end can sometimes plain stink. It can feel shaming, embarrassing and humbling to receive actions or things that we can't provide for ourselves. It's hard when you can't bathe yourself and someone has to do it for you. Or, when you are physically unable to dress yourself or go to the bathroom without assistance. Or how about when you can't pay your bills or afford groceries or your electricity has been shut off? And how about when someone has to drive you places because you lost your ability to drive? Or, when you used to have the strength and know-how to take care of your house and yard and now somebody else has to step in? Or, when the depression has gotten so bad that you're depending on a friend to watch your kids or provide dinner for you? And the man who has to swallow his pride and ask family, church or his boss for help in order to pay medical bills or get current on his mortgage? And maybe you've been through some tough circumstances like the loss of a loved one, an issue with addiction, a marital crisis, a child that is hurting, or scandal that has knocked your feet out from under you.  And in response, people are at your door, sending cards, offering encouragement and you know you've made a few prayer request lists - all beautiful acts of kindness, but SO very humbling. It is HARD to be on the receiving end. But let me say this. There is treasure to be gained when you receive grace, mercy, and love from people. Even though it is hard, when we allow the gifts of others to wash over us, we get to experience Jesus for real. We get to better know the value of the cross and our need for it. We aren't as self-sufficient as we might think and it was never God's plan that we should be!  We can also understand that we are worthy, valuable, significant and able. Something inside of us changes. Courage and bravery often come alongside humility.  Suddenly, our rougher edges can become softer. Judgements and criticisms fall by the wayside. Pride, and let me call it what it is - sin, begins to diminish. Why does God hate pride? Because it only serves to hurt us and others and He doesn't like His people hurt or stuck. He likes His children receiving and thinking, "THIS feels good." 

If you haven't been the best at being a receiver, start today. Think about Jesus. Imagine Him smiling at you. See His pleasure in you and understand it is complete, no matter what you are in need of. He loves to give you good things! And when you are the one giving, just plain GIVE. Trust me when I say that receiving from someone who feels sorry for you, holds judgement, or does it so they can feel better about themselves, HURTS. Nobody ever wants to be in need. NOBODY! But, not a single person goes through this life without having needs. It's part of what makes us human. 

I love the early church model the best. Each gave what they had to give. No leveling. Equal need. Equal provision. Beautiful! Both giving AND receiving are integral to the family of God and of great value in our growth process as followers of Jesus.

Dee M. Kostelyk

When Quiet is Good

Being somewhat introverted while also an external processor has at times driven me up the wall. I like peace and quiet. I like solitude. I don't mind being by myself. Many times, I have no desire to talk and have nothing to say, either. Yet, sometimes I have this incessant need to process and tell someone my story. It doesn't matter if it's the story about what happened in the drive-thru or some profound moment I experienced in my day. I have to speak about it and if that's not an option, then I have a strong urge to at least write about it. Lucky you. Hence, today's blog.

I feel like this is generally more specific to women, (although I do feel men may have their own way) of needing to focus on details, explain ourselves, repeat sentences, fixate on how we feel and ruminate. Often, it's accompanied by one phone call after another to any live human with a set of ears who can occasionally say, "uh-huh" during pauses in our rant. This is not necessarily a criticism. Some of it can be a rather healthy release so that the dog doesn't get kicked (or anyone else) when we get home. Sometimes, we just need to listen to someone's rant or go on one, ourselves. I get that.

I know I use examples from work all the time but my job is a big part of my life and quite the classroom for learning. The question I was thinking about this morning was, "Is it productive?" Countless times I have sat down with residents needing to get something off their chest and sort of "lose it" for a few minutes. Many times after talking through an issue, the resident is more regulated and able to think with better clarity. Sometimes, we even come up with a plan together on how to proceed. All becomes well, they are healed, and I am the mighty healer until ten minutes later when I hear this same resident telling the exact same story to someone else while dropping f-bombs and wildly gesturing with their hands. Repeat that scenario two more times with an added door slam and it's not even lunch time yet.

But, you know what? That used to be me. Maybe not exactly, but a lot the same. I had this (what I thought) deep need to be heard and validated all the time. It was almost a feeling of panic on the inside. A desperation that came from somewhere deep. Actually, it reminds me of a very early memory that I have. I am guessing I was maybe around 3 years old. It was before microwaves, when parents used to heat baby bottles of milk on the stove in boiling water. I had dragged a chair over to the counter so I could reach a box of cereal. I ended up knocking the cereal box over which started on fire after falling on the hot burner. I remember standing at the back door knocking feebly on the glass in an effort to get my dad's attention outside. I still remember feeling completely panic-stricken only made worse because I knew my dad couldn't hear me. I don't remember anything else about that story except what I just shared. (My house did not burn down and I clearly did not die).

It is getting a little bit below the surface to acknowledge my need to be heard and validated. No doubt, that was true. But, I now know if I go even further, the real feeling was one of non-being. The belief was that I didn't deserve to even exist. If I could just talk about the scenario and who did what, and how painful it was, and I could run it into the ground and repeat it over and over, somehow that would've given me a right to exist. Sadly though, it's a bit like chasing after the wind because while being heard and validated goes a long way in healing, there really is more. We know this is true because of the times when we have genuinely been heard and validated but continue to ruminate and repeat the story whether to someone else or in our own head. It does not mean something is wrong with us and nor does it discount our experience. It just means that maybe we have not considered what we are believing in our core.

If you are finding yourself running to people (or this or that) all the time when you are emotionally charged, it is okay to breathe, pause, and think. Delay the urge. Stop and consider what you are actually feeling. When you get to those feelings (and it's helpful to name a few) start thinking about what you are believing about yourself, your life, or even others. Put it in your palms and hold it up to yourself. Look at it. Offer it to God and ask Him what He thinks. 

I believe there is a reason why God instructs us to "be still" (Psalm 46:10) and says, "The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still." (Exodus 14:14) I think it is because sometimes being quiet and letting go is the most helpful and healing. The urge to run to people all the time for validation, in some ways, is not much different than the urge to grab a drink or wolf down 5 brownies in the break room when no one is looking. 

If you struggle with this, it is hard not to pick up that phone, shoot five texts, talk to your neighbor, or run 50 scenarios in your head on repeat for a few hours. Trust me. I KNOW. But, I also know what has made a difference for me and those are the questions I mentioned above in regard to feelings and beliefs. I would also add again, "Is this going to be productive?"

The truth is that while you may feel lonely, frustrated, and even like you want to crawl out of your skin, you can do this. You can pause. You can distract yourself. You can pray. You can go for a walk. You can write (no kidding). There are a slew of things you can do including offering your lament to God. Take the things you would say to a friend and say them to God, instead. You are going to have to practice this many times for a good while before it starts feeling pretty normal and natural. But, I guarantee that you will have far more peace than you had chasing after the wind and feeling panic-stricken that no one was hearing you. The other benefits to this are that you will cultivate a deep friendship with your Abba Father, find relief and peace, genuine solutions, wisdom, less fatigue and headaches, and more fun and joy. It is a huge win all around. These are the kinds of things that we can hold and keep unlike the wind which blows through our fingers and away. 

People are gifts. God did not intend for us to walk through this life alone. However, people are not magic pills and quiet can be good for us. There needs to be balance and if you feel out of balance in this area, that's okay. No big deal. I have most certainly not arrived anywhere but am doing better than before. Changing in this area is possible and you are worth it. A little bit at a time. God is in it with you and He loves you. 

Dee M. Kostelyk

Comfortable Isn't Helping

I do a lot of thinking when I drive and for the last month, each Sunday morning early, I have gone to the beach to get away, spend time with God, hear the waves, and look for heart-shaped stones. I listen to sermons, worship music, and sometimes blast '80s music while I think and drive. It's weird, but sometimes the louder the music, the better I hear the quiet whisper of God. 

Yesterday, I worked almost 9 hours again without a break. I spent the latter part of my shift sitting with a woman who had been struggling with severe depression for months. She had been hospitalized and readmitted a few times now. We connected a while back when I realized we shared the same faith. Time and again I have sat with her, talked, and prayed. It's always the same. I have seen little to no progress. The gray that radiates from her can be felt. It is a challenge for me not to absorb it and because of that, I admit there are times when I am glad I don't have her particular check-in that shift. I had run out of things to say to her yesterday as she went from sitting up to laying in a fetal position on her side, completely wanting to give up on this life. I'm pretty sure I cried out to the Holy Spirit silently at least five times during those 30 minutes I spent with her; "Lord, you gotta help me, help her." I finally drew on what I knew to be true and that was, "Where two or three followers are gathered in my name, there I will be amongst them." (Matthew 18:20) I asked if I could pray with her and she was silent for a bit until she nodded, yes. I didn't feel that bold or confident and to be honest, I hardly had any energy left, but I interceded anyway because I knew Who was with us.

Some of her story? Growing up, she had been sexually abused by her father and subsequently as an adult had been taken advantage of by two pastors who manipulated and played mind games with her while robbing her financially as well. That nice piece took place over a spread of YEARS. Needless to say, she was also in the midst of a deep crisis of faith and feeling completely unloved by God. Lord, have mercy.

I suppose I had a bit of residue from yesterday's shift still clinging to me this morning as I tiredly got out of bed, feeling like I hadn't slept well, and remembering the fragments of multiple bad dreams. I couldn't wait to get to the beach.

On my drive, a song by Casting Crowns came on the radio called, "Start Right Here." My eyes welled with tears because it felt like an affirmation from God about what I was contemplating writing about, today. I will share the lyrics with you at the end of the blog.

Sitting in our pews, across our neighborhood, next to us at the grocery store, behind us in the school pick up line, speaking to us on the TV and radio, and sharing meals with us, are people limping and traumatized. Victims AND perpetrators. In the "church." You can say, "Dee, I already know that." But, do you really? Do you know that there are women and men out there who love the Lord and are still prostituting themselves to get a little money for drugs or to get the electric turned back on? Heavens, these people can't be followers of Christ! Oh, but they ARE. 

A few years ago I remember sitting in the milieu on one of the adult lodges listening to a woman in her 30s sing Christmas carols while playing the keyboard. She had a beautiful voice and loved the Lord. And, guess what? Only the month prior she had sex with her father, and in a complicated sort of way, WILLINGLY.  She shared that with me desperately one time behind closed doors. She cried and rung her hands and asked me what was wrong with her; mother of 5 kids, married, pretty and seemingly put together; involved in her church, and traumatized. Marriages are crumbling behind the scenes as pornography and even worse horrific sexual behaviors are invading Christian homes like the plague. Men, rotting with decay on the inside, lean over the bathroom sink staring at their reflection in the mirror silently crying, "someone help me." Arguments over how to load the dishwasher or dirty clothes on the floor next to the hamper seem like a dream come true. If only those were the issues.

The church has needles, pills, and bottles strewn all over the place. Not only is pornography, incest, prostitution, and adultery more rampant in the church than we want to believe but so is depression, anxiety, addiction of every sort (including self-pity), gossip, self-righteousness, and looking the other way. 

Well, it's uncomfortable. I get it. I had a pretty decent life so I don't understand this kind of stuff. I get it. I just don't know what to say. I get it. It's easier to work with what we know about. I get it.

But, come on people. Come on followers of Jesus Christ, the church is where it's at. If we don't start talking about the boy who identifies as a girl and the teacher who found welts across her student's back - the student with the prominent Christian businessman dad from her church, then the world will address it with a sloppy incompetence, and much worse, an agenda straight from the pit of hell. (That's extreme, Dee). You bet it is. The enemy doesn't work half-assed.

People are afraid to come forward because they believe their problems are way worse then the easy problems that the church presents and addresses. Frankly, it's not helping. When I get a sense from a resident that faith is a part of their life, I often ask if their church has been supportive. Sometimes, I hear the best stories about the warmest and most loving people. However, sadly, most often they didn't tell anybody at church because they were too ashamed. 

As Christians we need to become more trauma aware and educated. We need conferences that teach us about post-traumatic stress, what that looks like, and how to help. We need to staff more social workers in our churches and expand Christ-rooted mental health and addiction support. Prayer ministries should be blowing the roof off the place. Celebrate Recoveries should be packed. Elders and Deacons should be visiting homes so they can anoint with oil and pray over EVERY kind of sickness (body, mind, and soul). Consistories need to be trained about this stuff and be transparent about some of their own struggles. We need more stories and testimonies FROM THE PULPIT that don't end with a pot of gold and a couple unicorns. We need testimonies of real people currently walking through the real wilderness sharing how our real Jesus is empowering them to do so. We need to teach resilience. From cover to cover, the Bible gives story after story teaching us about how to bounce back when life hits us. Speaking of the Bible, God sure wasn't afraid to share what was really happening; human sacrifice, orgies, murder, self-harm, despair, war, incest, prostitution, demon possession, pride, misogynism, abuse, perversion, hypocrisy, rape, and self-righteousness to name a few. Well shoot, it's 2021! Complacency is not working.

I've never quite understood, "I'm quiet about my faith." I can't think of any scripture that tells us to be quiet about our faith in God. Sure, we all have different personalities, no doubt. We all have different gifting. Some of us are extroverted while others are introverted. Some are on the front lines and some in the back. We all make up the body and God uses each of us uniquely, so that is not what I'm saying. But, it feels like a disservice to Jesus Christ and our neighbor if we're going to be quiet not just about our faith, but also about the many conditions that can affect it. That is not the answer for our own heartbreak or that of others. It IS uncomfortable. I know it is and my response is, "And?" 

How do we have a marriage seminar at the church and talk realistically and honestly about some of the sexual perversions, abuse, and/or addictions going on inside marriages? Suddenly, we get a little anxious. We start fidgeting. It's a little too much. Can't we just talk about communication skills? Uh.... noooo. Cuz, you know why? Some of those couples are going to go home worse because they were made to feel like they were too far gone and not like anyone else. How sad is that? It doesn't have to be that way! Jesus was there! 

God, we need thee. Every hour we need thee.

We can do this together. We can put our heads together and figure it out with the help and power of the Holy Spirit. We do have to get real with ourselves, though. I think it's harder to really see people and hear them, when we don't really see ourselves. One thing I do appreciate about this younger generation is their ability to be honest and reach out for help. However, and I have experienced this truth a hundred times, there are many adults and older adults who are hurting because they never felt safe enough to hold out their hurt and expose it to the family of God and the overwhelming healing and love of Christ. They didn't feel the situation warranted it. They didn't feel it was important enough or bad enough. Trauma. What's trauma? That was normal. Again, Lord have mercy. This is the generation that can be leading and teaching. This is the generation that the younger one can sit at the feet of.

If it is happening to me, then it is important to God and should be important to my family of God. If it is happening to our families, neighbors, friends, schools, churches, and coworkers, then it is important to God and should be important to us. If it is important to God, it needs to be addressed within the church. Period. It is not "us" and "them." It's "we." Quite honestly, it's foolish to believe anything else or walk any other way.

What kind of Jesus do we think we have? Someone who squirms and is uncomfortable with our sin? Someone who would prefer not to know about it? Someone who smiled and waved like the queen of England from afar? His feet were filthy and calloused. His shoulders heavy. His wrists pierced. His blood shed out for the most vile of evil imaginable. In today's language we might say, "That Jesus, yeah, He went around the block." (Maybe a few blocks or just the whole universe). He ate with people. He knew stuff. If anyone didn't have their head in the sand, it was Him. Hallelujah! El Roi, the God who sees! Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals!

The church is where it's at. Not the government and not the slew of incompetent social service agencies who often make us feel about as valuable as a gnat. IT IS THE CHURCH. Praise God, we can do so much with His help! What a humbling privilege. And if you don't believe me, then believe God:

MATTHEW 5: 13-16

“Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.

Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. BY OPENING UP TO OTHERS, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."

Dee M. Kostelyk

Start Right Here

Song by Casting Crowns

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We want our coffee in the lobby
We watch our worship on a screen
We got a Rockstar preacher
Who won't wake us from our dreams
We want out blessings in our pocket
We keep our missions overseas
But for the hurting in our cities
Would we even cross the street?

Huh but we wanna see the heart set free and the tyrants kneel
The walls fall down and our land be healed
But church if we want to see a change in the world out there

It's got to start right here
It's got to start right now
Lord, I'm starting right here
Lord, I'm starting right now

I'm like the brother of the prodigal
Who turned his nose and puffed his chest
He didn't run off like his brother
But his soul was just as dead
What if the church on Sunday
Was still the church on Monday too?
What if we came down from our towers
And walked a mile in someone's shoes?

Hmm 'cause we wanna see the heart set free and the tyrants kneel
The walls fall down and our land be healed
But church if we want to see a change in the world out there

It's got to start right here
It's got to start right now
Lord, I'm starting right here
Lord, I'm starting right now

We're the people who are called by His name
If we'll surrender all our pride and turn from our ways
He will hear from Heaven and forgive our sin
He will heal our land but it starts right here
We're the people who are called by His name
If we'll surrender all our pride and turn from our ways
He will hear from Heaven and forgive our sin
He will heal our land

It's got to start right here
It's got to start right now
Lord, I'm starting right here
Lord, I'm starting right now
It's got to start right here
It's got to start right now
Lord, I'm starting right here
Lord, I'm starting right now

Time for a New Recliner?

While personal growth and breakthrough can be dramatic and quick, most of the time it is a process and a long time in the making. It is little by little and day by day making it difficult at times to sense whether progress has even been made. But, sure and steady is good. Sure and steady until our last breath.

This morning, I was feeling good. Really good. Yesterday, I had a fruitful counseling session where it felt good to be told that the progress I was making was obvious. Last night I had a last-minute visit from family I had not seen in way too long and it did my soul good. This morning, I stepped on the scale and was down 9 lbs from where I started a couple months ago. Later, I used my voice to speak on a matter that meant something to me. That felt good as well. Writers aren't supposed to overuse words but you know what? "Good" feels good! In mental health we often challenge "good" and encourage further reflection about what that means. However, this morning, I'm liking "good!" It's plenty good enough! Alright. ALRIGHT.

You know something, though? It felt a little weird. A little unsettling. Maybe I was feeling a little too confident. A little cocky, perhaps? Surely, there must be some sin mixed into this good feeling. Surely, something was going to knock me off my high horse any minute. Maybe the scale was broken, maybe I was in denial about my grief, maybe I'm supposed to be more humble, and maybe I'm not that valuable. Ah. Maybe that was all a little more familiar and cozy. And, miserable. It sounds like this may have taken a few hours but it was actually more like a few seconds. I was walking into the kitchen to heat up my coffee with my shoulders back and my head high and I was like, whoaaa, what's this good that I'm feeling? Is this allowed? 

Isn't it something how we strive to improve the quality of our life and do a ton of internal work, only to put the brakes on and skid to a stop when we start feeling a breakthrough? Yet, it is common. It is a sort of crossroads where we can choose to move within victory which may take a little bravery or walk right back to Misery Lane and our well-worn ugly recliner. What are we going to do? I had to give myself a 30-second pep talk while my coffee heated in the microwave and I felt better. Still weird. But, good. A good weird.

Later, I read some more in 1 Kings which is what I had been studying, lately. I was in chapter 19 where Elijah went to Mount Horeb and stayed in a cave. I never really noticed it before but God asked him twice "What are you doing here, Elijah?" There is something about someone using your name and in this instance it's almost like God was demanding Elijah's attention. God asked him this question before he presented in the powerful wind, the earthquake, the fire, and the gentle whisper, and again afterward. Both times Elijah answered exactly the same, word for word. You may remember but prior to this, Elijah was feeling pretty burned out, defeated and sort of like, "what's-the-use-anyway." He had arrived at a place that I could relate to. It was understandable considering the time, heart, and energy he had put into carrying out God's ministry. Of course, God was still providing for him every step of the way, but just like us, he was filled with doubts, fatigue, and confusion. I had to read this a couple times and imagine myself as Elijah standing near the mouth of the cave seeing these powerful representations of God before me. I felt like maybe I would have been hoping for comfort, a little lifeline, a little "I'm proud of you and the work you've done." First, was the all-powerful Lion in nature as a reminder of Who was on the throne followed by not just a whisper, but the Bible called it a "gentle whisper." Man, what a moment as Elijah pulled the cloak over his face and went out to the voice of his God. Something both tender and powerful must have transpired in those moments; something that healed the pain Elijah was experiencing which brought him back into himself with shoulders squared and chin up. God gave him new instructions and in it allowed him to know that there were many left in Israel who loved the Lord as he did. He really was not alone in that sense. His God in Heaven had never left him, either. God said, "go" so Elijah went, knowing who he was and Who he belonged to.

I loved the reading. I loved the truth of what the Spirit conveyed to me. Go, girl, go. This is the right condition for the woman who follows Jesus. I want to get more used to THIS kind of quality. Bring on the new because it'll help me with the old. There is often one foot in both places and that's okay.  I do have to say though, that the old and ugly recliner is starting to look less and less appealing. Praise God for that. It might be time for a better resting place!

Dee M. Kostelyk

Restoration at the Sink

She was young enough to be my daughter, arms full of self-harm scars hidden under a blanket wrapped around her fragile shoulders. I was busy though, as usual. But, God placed her in the back of my mind as someone I needed to pay attention to. I didn't like the influences around her and the blanket was bothering me. This is how it goes at work many shifts. You see and notice a lot. You absorb stuff. You make mental notes and you pray for an opportunity to get back to who you just can't shake.  

I will call her Maddie. As soon as the opportunity arose, I asked if I could talk to her privately in a group room. After we sat down on the couch I asked if she would remove the blanket for me and show me her arms. On top of the at least 50 scars up and down each arm, Maddie had taken a black marker and written words like: "I deserve to die. Ugly. Vermin. Fat. Death. Disgusting (and so forth)." I can no longer remember the details of our conversation but it became obvious to me from things she shared, that faith in God had been at least a small part of her life.  We talked about what she was feeling and thinking, including suicidal ideation and self-harm urges. At one point I asked if I could pray for her and through tears she said that I could. She cried through the whole prayer. When we were done I asked if she wanted to wash the words off of her arms and she nodded, yes. 

Standing next to her while she removed the proclamating lies from her arms with dish soap in the kitchen sink, was probably one of the more profound experiences I had in 6 years. It only lasted a couple minutes but I soaked it in as the cleansing of the vile words revealed the true character of Jesus Christ and His love for her, for me, for all of us. Talk about symbolism. Wow. She didn't even have to scrub. She ran the water and soap gently over her slim arms and the words disappeared with ease. I asked her how it felt, and she quietly said, "good." 

Jesus never browbeats. He's not rough or belittling. I have come to experience and know that He holds us dear. He says, "Here, let me take that burden from you. Let me put salve on your broken heart. Let me clasp my hands around the core of you and infuse you with the light of me." The wars, the arrows, and the legs knocked out from underneath, happen. Welcome to "in this world you will have troubles."  But, it doesn't make our Savior any less. Our pain does not send Jesus to a distant planet and nor does it make our small box His home. Whether we see or not - whether we understand or not - whether we are in an easy season or a hard one - our Redeemer is at the kitchen sink with us.

Hear this. Even if you haven't made it to the sink because you can't get off the floor, He is with you. You are not too much for God. You are just enough. YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO HIM.

JEREMIAH 31: 1-6

In that day,” says the Lord, “I will be the God of all the families of Israel, and they will be my people. This is what the Lord says:

"Those who survive the coming destruction will find blessings even in the barren land, for I will give rest to the people of Israel.”

Long ago the Lord said to Israel:

"I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.

I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel.

You will again be happy and dance merrily with your tambourines. Again you will plant your vineyards on the mountains of Samaria and eat from your own gardens there.

The day will come when watchmen will shout from the hill country of Ephraim, 'Come, let us go up to Jerusalem to worship the Lord our God.’”

HALLELUJAH!

God Doesn't Make Trash

God's vocabulary doesn't include words like trailer trash, misfit, freak, drunk, slut, loser, bum, no-good, lesser, and many other derogatory words I can't write publicly. Not only do these words not exist in His vocabulary but they aren't even a thought. Yet, we will toss them around from our virtuous high perches without batting an eye. Ouch. God doesn't make trash.

There isn't a soul that God doesn't yearn to save. Every person has a face and a name. Every life, a purpose. Every tongue, a language. Every heart, a beat to joy and sorrow. There isn't one person on the whole planet that God doesn't understand or love, including you. 

See the ones forgotten -  they aren't always the obvious (at all). The leveling game stinks. We're all pretty equal, it's just that some dress up better than others. Through the eyes of Jesus, is the best vision and operating within the sphere of the Holy Spirit is the only way to do it. Why?  Because we are all conditional lovers with limited eyesight and there is no such thing as "by my own power." Today, just LOVE. Simply. When you don't understand. When you don't agree. When you're frustrated. Courageously. With your whole heart. In action. With a thought. With a word. When you don't feel like it. When they don't deserve it. With faith or fear. In the name of Jesus. Just begin. LOVE. ✝

Bring Complexity to the Cross

 I was thinking on my way home from work today about how people's lives are complex. In the middle of real success and great strides, are steps backward, fumbling, fears, and seeming failure. We can hold hatred and love at the same time for the same person. We can have empathy and compassion with pieces of bitterness and resentment running through. We can forgive and let go of one offense and harbor another for a lifetime. We can mess up, only to turn the corner and do something pretty special. What works for one person or family, wouldn't for another. What one can accept, another couldn't or wouldn't. I bring this up because sometimes it feels like, myself included, we impose our way of walking through a situation, onto someone else. Or, our belief must be someone else's. Even more, our experience should match another's. Or, how about my reasoning should make perfect sense to you? These are mistakes and lead to disappointment, hurt, miscommunication, and friction - rip your hair out burnout, even. Trying to frame another person's complex life with our cut and dry solution is a time waster. Very few things in life are cut and dry, especially people. And, people are not things. They are soft and warm, hard and unyielding, complex, worthy, valuable, and each come with their own set of baggage only our Savior can hold (and often see). This might be the perfect time to refrain from telling people how we think they should or should not struggle and take a few deep breaths. It might be a good time for self-reflection and to consider our own complexity. We can do this at the cross. There is something powerful there. It's the place of greatest truth and most profound love. It is where we offer all the complexities of who we are in safety because God's love is secure. And in doing this, we feel Jesus' acceptance. We dare lift our chin to meet the warm love in His eyes. And, when we walk away there is renewal. We feel less critical. More compassionate and gracious. More eager to be edifying and to root for people. Less desperate to control, doubt, or judge. Fear diminishes. It feels good. 

Peace. We all need it.

Thank you, Jesus.

Dee M. Kostelyk

Love Wins

Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord, and Satan standing at his right side to accuse him. The Lord said to Satan, "The Lord rebuke you, Satan! The Lord, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire? Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, "Take off his filthy clothes." Then he said to Joshua, "See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put rich garments on you." (Zechariah 3: 1-4)

There are many lessons in these four verses. I hardly know which way to go this morning! But, what strikes me is how we have the humble and deeply amazing privilege to stand before God. The "angel of the Lord" was either God Himself, or one the Lord was speaking through. Secondly, Satan often stands up close to accuse us. Sometimes, the accusations in and of themselves are true. Sometimes, they are wrought with lies. The trouble comes in what we believe about those accusations in regard to ourselves, situations, others, and God. What is the swift response to Satan's accusation toward Joshua? God rebukes him, not once, but emphatically, twice. Satan despises God's grace and mercy. And, he especially hates it when we receive it, live it, and breathe it. The Lord pointed out to Satan that Joshua was hand-picked and pulled from the fire by His mighty hand. (We are all this burning stick snatched from a fire). Thirdly, Joshua was standing in filthy clothes. This was necessary because someone being plucked from a fire is someone who needs saving. The filthy clothes represented Joshua's sin. How remarkable is it that we get to stand before God in filthy clothes? This is the place where love wins! Lastly, and my favorite, is when the angel of the Lord requests that Joshua's filthy clothes be removed and replaced with rich and clean garments. Isn't this so characteristic of who we know God to be? He rolls out the red carpet for us. How can it be? How can His love be so total? He annihilates the accuser, here. The truth of who we are and who HE is, is made known. 

We can learn so much from these four short verses. Do you feel accused and oppressed? Do you feel covered in soot? Do you wonder if you even have the right to look up at God? Oh, but you do and you can. That short scene was not written by me. It was breathed by the God of the universe. Those are HIS words to show us we are deeply loved and forgiven. Not just forgiven, but gently cleaned off, tears dried, and brought to a place of restoration and DIGNITY. Love wins. Thank you, Lord!

Standing in Solitude

Something I have contemplated a lot over the last year is the absolute benefit and treasure of solitude. There are many pieces to this and there is no doubt that a fine line exists between loneliness and solitude. They will intersect, blend, and then part ways. Many times over. 

There is also a difference between solitude and isolation. While these also may intersect at times, I feel that the line is more clearly drawn, at least for me. One most certainly heals and nourishes, while the other impedes such things.

In Luke 5:15 we read about how the news of Jesus was spreading, bringing crowds of people to come hear Him and be healed of their sicknesses. "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (verse 16). In the gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke we often read about Jesus walking along the lake or going into the mountainside to be alone and pray with His Father. He seemed to find great comfort and restoration in sitting and hiking in nature. The King of the universe SOUGHT solitude. He needed it. He was refreshed by it and His mind was cleared by it. He received direction during those quiet times that He probably wouldn't have gotten had He stayed in the crowd and loudness of the needs around Him. 

The intimacy I have experienced with God over the last year has been something not previously matched. While admittedly it wasn't always by choice, God knew better than I what I needed. He did form me in my mother's womb and is aware of the number of hairs on my head. Maybe, He really does know me after all!

Numerous hours of solitude for me were spent propped up in bed with my pillows, coffee, bifocals, and surrounded by books and my laptop. And yes, my Bible. If possible my window was open so I could hear nature, including birds and the wind. Other times were spent on long walks feeling the sun on my face and the wind in my hair while stopping to take photographs of framed images God gave me. I went to the beach by myself many times and enjoyed the long car rides with the windows open and the walks along the water looking for heart-shaped rocks. The fall and winter were really no different apart from the scenery and the crisp cold air. I even walked in the rain. I enjoyed numerous sunrises and sunsets and moments of pure adoration and love for God. I had little agenda and time constraints. 

Those times of solitude were not always filled with peace and contentment, however. To say that crushing moments of loneliness did not intertwine those times, would do a disservice to the readers who deserve the truth from me - the kind of truth that I always pray will give hope and edification for you. No, there were times I retreated within the solitary spaces to even tinier spaces that only held room for Jesus and I and the outpouring of my heartbreaking lament. That's the truth.

It was during the intersection of peace and joy and the backbreaking work of being molded under the Potter's hands, where I grew greater resiliency, a more full and assured knowledge of my true identity, the contentment of being alone, a maturity in Jesus Christ, and the Spirit-led knowledge of how to guard both the practice and space of solitude. It. Was. Not. Easy.

I have a social justice, mental health, merciful bent in me and I always have. In first grade I wanted to be a teacher and by middle school I was vice president of my class and decided I was going to work in an orphanage some day. Laugh out loud, I did neither although in some ways I do teach AND work with "orphans." Being on the front lines of mental health crises over the last 6 years as well as working in impoverished areas of the city for 8 years, and the internal work I was doing on my own emotional poverty, made friendships and social interactions more difficult for me. There were times when I felt  guilty about that and down on myself, but those moments became less as God's affirmation of the season I was in grew stronger.

This past year I came to believe as a result of my personal experience, that solitude, and solitude with God, are what healed me most and made my mind more clear than at any other time in my life. I now know that the quieter I was, the better I could hear. The better I could hear, the better I could discern, and with discernment I gained wisdom from God. 

I was able to discern when someone was not good for me even when by all outside appearances they appeared to be. I was guided by the Spirit to pray for things and people that humanly I could have known nothing about. I sensed danger and knew when someone spoke to me something not of God that on the surface sounded as if it was. I was pulled back from fires and had lies revealed to me before they had the power to ruin my day. I knew when to take a break and when to cut it off. I also knew when to pursue against all odds. I saw who and what it was that picked me up when I was slumped on the floor. I knew 'dead inside' to be revived by a few words on the pages of my Bible. I trudged tired and weak through a day only to be cradled at night in the arms of Jesus as I fell asleep under the shadow of His wings. I  experienced, "joy comes in the morning." I knew the delight of laughing with God. I breathed in His majesty as I stood on the shore taking in the artwork of a sunset. I was good naturedly teased by God and felt His pleasure at seeing my pleasure. He shared his view of me as He looked down at the crown of my head. Yes, He did. More than once He showed me what He saw. And, not just an eyesight view. It was the felt experience view of the heart throbbing love my Father had for me, His girl grown woman.

It still is difficult (but, far less difficult with continued practice) to not explain myself to others. They are not living my life. They do not walk in my shoes. They are not living my season. God has unique classrooms for each of us and having spent much time in my particular classroom, I know that I can trust my instincts and judgment much better than had I spent the last year in lots of company and noise. Nothing has done for me like what this last year of solitude has done, pain and all. 

I don't sense that this season is quite over but regardless of the season and because of what I have learned, I will be a seeker of solitude with the triune God til my last breath on earth. Take solace in your season, friend. Spend it with God, your mighty Counselor. Don't be afraid. Just do today. You are most dearly loved. 

"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." Psalm 46:10

Dee M. Kostelyk